


Over and Over (Sam x Reader)

by AfanofManyStuffs, sparklingcas



Series: Over and Over [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - The French Mistake, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Dean Winchester - Freeform, Episode: s06e15 The French Mistake, F/M, Forced Orgasm, God!Cas, Godstiel - Freeform, Language, Minor Character Death, Miscarriage, Multiple Orgasms, Nephilim, Oral Sex, Overstimulation, Partial Series Rewrite, Pregnancy, Reader Death, Rough Sex, Sam Winchester - Freeform, Series Rewrite, Smut, Soulless!Sam, Spanking, Supernatural - Freeform, Supernatural Season 6, Tags to be added as series progresses, The French Mistake, Unplanned Pregnancy, balthazar - Freeform, canonical violence, cas, castiel - Freeform, meta!misha - Freeform, over and over, pregnancy loss, sam x reader - Freeform, unprotected sex
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2018-01-12
Packaged: 2018-12-19 20:59:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 50,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11906115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AfanofManyStuffs/pseuds/AfanofManyStuffs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparklingcas/pseuds/sparklingcas
Summary: You’ve been in love with Sam for as long as you could remember - hell, he’s been in love with you for about the same amount of time. But finally, finally, now that the Apocalypse is over and Sam is inexplicably back (and you’re not about to question that, either), you can be together… Or rather, you could be, if his lack of a soul didn’t get in the way.Join TFW on this partial series rewrite of ups, downs, resurrections, romantic escapades, and hunting. Season 6 - present.





	1. Chapter 1

Sam hadn’t been the same since he’d gotten out of hell. Something- and you didn’t know what; couldn’t even begin to fathom it-  must have happened to him down there. But he downright refused to say what; dodging the question and changing the subject every time you brought it up. Sometimes, you had to wonder if it was just the fact that he let Dean go live with Lisa- maybe he missed him and regretted his decision. You certainly did. But you knew that you couldn’t go see him, even just a glance. If you had gone to Dean, how could you keep it a secret that Sam wasn’t really dead? Dean loved his brother- you knew how much he loved him. And you couldn’t keep the fact that he was alive secret from him. Thus, it was miles and miles away from him you stayed.

On some level (and you didn’t know how dominant that level may be), Sam had always known that you were in love with him. But the last few years had been hard. First demon blood, then the apocalypse - acting on your feelings was just too dangerous. But when you saw that he was back, mere days after he’d sacrificed himself to lock Lucifer back in his cage with Michael, you had fearlessly kissed him.

It had been in your motel room doorway, late at night. You’d been in mourning and hadn’t left the room since everything had gone down. When you heard the knock at your door, you thought it might be Dean. You weren’t so sure he’d actually follow through with giving up hunting, like he’d promised his brother. Maybe it was Cas, maybe even Bobby - you really didn’t know. However, you had never expected to see Sam standing in front of you. Your first reaction had been to splash him with holy water, and then to slice him with a silver blade. How the hell could he have been there? It had to have been a trick of some sort.

But as you began to step back into the room to grab… Something to defend yourself with, Sam had reached out and grabbed your arms, sliding his hands down until his fingers laced with yours with a smirk on his face. You’d never forget the feeling in your chest when you looked up into his hazel eyes. Your heart stopped and you pulled on his hands, standing up on the tips of your toes to crash your lips into his.

It was Sam. You knew.

He hadn’t hesitated to kiss you back. Nor had he thought twice about bringing his hand up to cup your face; sliding it back to tangle his fingers into your hair. You had let him. You had let him back you up into your room and kick the door shut and even encouraged him as you went straight for his belt and undid the buckle.

You had been so caught up in him that when you uttered the words _I love you_  and he only responded with  _I know_ , you hadn’t thought twice.

It was weeks before you had really noticed that something was wrong. You had thought that everything with you and Sam was fine until you came back to your motel room one night to find Sam in bed with the waitress from the diner you two ate at that morning.

You were pissed. How could Sam have done that to you? You’d left him then and there and hit the road - destination anywhere. Days later Sam had found you of course, and you had been back in bed with him within minutes. Neither of you had ever really defined whether this was an actual relationship or not, so you let it slide. You continued to hunt with Sam, and who you now knew as Mary’s cousins. Along with Samuel, Mary’s mother, and Sam’s grandfather, who was also mysteriously back from the dead.

Unfortunately, Sam had continued to toy with you. For months, he would go see other women and come back home to you at night. He had never once told you that he loved you, but neither had he lead you to believe that he didn’t love you. By the time you had been in same town that Dean lived, you had been miserable. But you loved Sam, so you tried telling yourself that you didn’t care.

Reuniting with Dean had been a trip. He as expected was pissed at you, Sam, and Bobby for not telling him that Sam was back. But hadn’t he understood? He was _out_. Even if it had been only for a year, he got out. Dean had been done - and that was something you were sure you’d never see. But he had ended up leaving Lisa and Ben - you’d known he couldn’t stay away after he had found out that Sam was back.

Evidently, you’d been in worse shape than you originally thought. The first thing Dean had done once he was alone with you was ask what was wrong. It was then that you had told him all about how you and Sam had been sort of on and off and whatever since he got back. You had told him about the women, about the nights you’d slept in his car; about the times you’d just straight up left him.

And that had pissed him off even more. After that, Dean had grown suspicious of his brother. But it hadn’t been until they had both taken out some Egyptian goddess of cats that things really escalated.

When Dean showed up with an unconscious Sam, you straight up panicked, jumping to your feet when you saw his limp form hanging from Dean’s arms, beat to hell.

“Dean, what happened?” you screeched when the door swung open, announcing their arrival. Your instincts were telling you to rush to Sam’s side and see if he was okay.  
  
“I did-” He let out a low growl as he sat him down in a chair and held him in place with one arm while shoving you to the side with the other. “This isn’t Sam.”

“What?” you said, being taken completely off guard. “What do you mean it isn’t Sam? Is it a shifter?!” you exclaimed; now worried that Sam was kidnapped or half dead in a ditch somewhere, praying for rescue to a Heaven that wasn’t listening.  
  
“He says he’s him but I don’t know, Y/N… Something’s wrong.” He gestured at the rope that sat on the table and you walked over to grab it for him. “ _Cas_ , get down here  _now._ ”

Your worry was only minutely relieved by Dean’s words as you dropped on your knees next to Sam and placed your hand on his face and really  _looked_  at him. This was Sam. You knew it. Something was just… Wrong. Something must have happened to him in the cage. That was it. That’s all it could’ve been.

“What’s wrong?” You heard Cas’ deep voice ask immediately after you heard the flutter of his wings. You turned and looked at him with tears gathering in your eyes. Dean explained what was happening and a moment later Dean was urging you to back away with his hand on your shoulder.

You wiped your hands that were wet with Sam’s blood on the front of your pants. “Dean” you began as you leaned into him, “I’m scared.”

“I know, sweetheart,” he comforted you, wrapping his arm around your shoulders as you struggled to keep the tears from falling.

“You’re right, he looks terrible.” Cas commented as he leaned over and looked at Sam, who was now beginning to regain consciousness. “You did this?” He asked, glancing back at Dean.

He nodded and Cas looked back at Sam as he came to. “Cas?” he asked blearily; still stunned from the beating that Dean had given him.

Your heart pounded in your chest and you bit the inside of your cheeks as you watched, listening to his voice intently. How couldn’t this be Sam?

Cas began examining Sam, placing his hand on his forehead and looking in his eye. “Has he been feverish?”

Dean, pissed as ever - and scared as well, you could tell by how tense he was - “Have you?”

Sam groaned a bit (his head was probably pounding from just having the crap beat out of him). “No, why?”

Sam looked over at you and you tightened your grip on Dean; a grip you didn’t know you had. Dean leaned back against the wall and squeezed your arm gently, reassuring you. If he wasn’t here for you right now, you didn’t know what would happen.

“Is he speaking in tongues?” Cas looked over at you and Dean before looking back at Sam and rapidly repeating the question. “Are you speaking in tongues?”

“No.” Sam seemed offended now, “What are you… Are you…  _Diagnosing_  me?” He sounded incredulous.

“You better hope he can.” Dean said with a cold, hard voice.

“You really think that this-”

“What, do you think that there’s a clinic out there for people who pop outta hell wrong?” He raised his voice as he let go of you and stepped forward. You watched Dean, stiffening up as you stood there, looking between the two men and the angel in the room. “He asks, you answer, then you shut your hole,got it?”

Things were quiet for a moment and you decided to step forward as Cas spoke up again. “How much do you sleep?”

“I don’t.” Sam admitted.

Your heart dropped and you looked directly at him, your fear quickly morphing into rage- “How the hell did you hide that for a year?”

Sam glared at you, and if you were being honest it made you wanna have a go at him yourself at this point.

“Y/N, wait-” Dean held his arm up in front of you before looking at Sam. “Not at all?”

“Not since I got back.” Sam elaborated.

It seemed to finally click in Dean’s head. “And it never occurred to you that there might be something off about that??” he yelled.

“Of course it did, Dean I…I.. I just never told you… or Y/N.” Sam said, peeking over at you for a moment before looking away quickly.

Castiel paced around, studying you and Dean.

“What?” Dean asked.

“Sam,” Cas began, “What are you feeling, now?”

Sam chuckled, “I feel like my nose is broken.”

You looked between Castiel and Dean, biting your tongue to keep your mouth shut. You were on the verge of screaming right now, but you needed to find out what the hell was going on.

Maybe it wasn’t Sam.

“No, that’s a physical sensation,” Cas corrected. “How do you  _feel_?”

“I thin-”

“ _Feel._ ”

“I… Don’t know.” Sam finally said, tilting his head slightly.

Castiel first looked back at Dean and then shifted his sight to you; communicating silently with his eyes when Dean pulled you back behind him. They had to have been thinking the same thing. And by the way Dean had grabbed you, you were certain you wouldn’t like it.

“What?” you asked, only to be ignored.

You swallowed thickly when you noticed Castiel taking his belt off. Was he going to beat Sam with it? Your heartbeat sped up and you watched as he stepped towards Sam, leather in hand.  
  
“Dean.” you said in uncertain protest.

“It’s fine, Y/N.” He assured you.

“This will be unpleasant,” Castiel warned as he guided Sam to bite down on his belt. “If there’s some place that you find soothing, you should go there-” he rolled one of his sleeves up- “In your mind.”

“Cas what are you-” you began to shout just as Sam began to groan in pain. You watched Cas shove his entire hand and forearm right into Sam’s midsection, and you couldn’t help a few tears spilling over. You didn’t like this.

Dean had a grip on your arms like no other. You thought of how it was a good thing though, or otherwise you’d probably try to tackle Cas. By the way Dean had a hold of you, you weren’t so sure he wouldn’t have tackled him either.

After what felt like half an hour, but was really only a few seconds, Castiel pulled his pulled his hand out of Sam. “You find anything?” Dean asked him.

“No.” Cas said quietly. You resisted the urge to run to Sam.

“So, is that good news?” You questioned, slightly choked up.

“I’m afraid not.” Castiel turned to you and looked at you directly in the shining eyes. “Physically, he is perfectly healthy.”  
  
“But what?” Dean asked; knowing there was more just from the the timber of Castiel’s voice.

“It’s his soul,” Cas began again, “It’s gone.”

Your heart dropped to your stomach as you looked between Dean and Cas and Sam, not knowing where to look. You didn’t know what to think. If Sam had no soul- well, you didn’t know exactly what it meant to be quite honest. But you did know that it meant he wasn’t your Sam. And you were absolutely  _livid_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have a hard time coping with the fact that Sam is without his soul.

You flinched slightly as the sound of a loud knock at your door filled the room. You’d been crashing in a spare room at Bobby’s after leaving Sam and Dean. You’d lasted two hunts with them after finding out Sam’s soul was gone, and you just couldn’t do it. Not after what Sam had said to you. **  
**

You looked up from the book you’d been staring blankly at for the last hour to see Sam letting himself in. “What the hell are  _you_  doing here?” The words came out like something resembling a snarl; vicious in their offensive defense.

“Just came by to see what you were up to,” he said, pulling a chair up near your bed and sitting down, wearing a tight lipped smile. As if he was satisfied that he could now irritate you by being in the same room.  
  
“Whatever, Sam, like you actually care about what I’m up to.” You made eye contact with him before closing your book. “No, wait, actually… You said you didn’t care about  _me_.”

After finding out Sam’s soul was gone, he straight up told you and Dean that he didn’t care about you, Dean, or anything. He didn’t care if either of you were alive or dead, he didn’t care how you felt about him. He just… doesn’t care. At all. About  _anything_.

“Yeah, look Y/N,” he began, only to be interrupted by you.  
  
“No, you look, Sam,” you started, standing with tightly clenched fists; every muscle tense in preparation for the fight you were hoping wouldn’t happen, “I have half a mind to put a bullet in your brain.”

Sam looked up at you, clenching his jaw. His first reaction right now was to fight. He wanted to stand up and push you against the wall to wrap his hands around your neck. You could see it. He didn’t even need much of a trigger to do so. “Y/N.”

“No. Sam… You know, I’ve loved you for  _years_.” You began to pace around the room, making your way over to the door so that you could get out in case Sam tried anything unwelcomely violent. “I’ve loved you for years, and you’ve been dragging me around in the dirt like it’s nothing.”

“I haven’t been ‘dragging you around in the dirt.’” Sam made air quotes at you as he attempted to keep his calm.

“Oh?” you asked, “So you  _haven’t_  been out fucking anything that walks and coming home to me at night and acting like you’re my boyfriend?”  
  
“You know what?” Sam stood up finally, just as you’d expected him to. “Forget it.”

“I’m sure you will,” you mumbled as Sam began making his way out of your room. Butt the sound of your voice, he stopped and turned back to you.

You swallowed thickly as Sam walked towards you, not stopping until he’d backed you up into the wall; a shadow of what he used to do –before you knew about his soul being gone–  far more intimately. “You should watch your mouth.”

You licked your bottom lip unconsciously as you glanced down at Sam’s lips to break eye contact with him. You couldn’t ignore the heat you felt between your thighs as Sam towered over you. You might have been pissed at him right now, but how could you ignore… this?

“Are you gonna hurt me?” you asked, voice low and almost breathless.

He looked down and realized his hand was, in fact, at the base of your neck. It sometimes scared you how quick to anger he was these days. But at the same time you weren’t scared of him, if that made any sense at all.

“Not right now,” he said, the cocky smirk from before back on his face.

“Then,” you began as he leaned in, bringing his lips just centimeters from yours, “Get away from me.”

Sam looked at you with confusion on his face as you shoved him away and pushed your way past him before leaving the room. What were you thinking? This wasn’t Sam. It just looked like him, and you couldn’t be weak. You couldn’t give into him no matter how badly you wanted to.

You stormed down the stairs to find Dean sitting at the table, turning a beer between his hands absentmindedly. “Why are you guys here anyway?”

Dean shrugged as you sat down across from him and reached out for his beer, taking a long sip before you gave it back. “What’s wrong with you?” he asked in return.

You sighed before you bit your bottom lip. You thought about Sam, you thought about Dean. You thought about how much better things would be if Sam just had his soul- “I just… want a nice, easy life. What’s so wrong with that?”

“You know a little too much about what goes bump in the night. That’s what’s wrong with it.” Dean said.

“No, I mean like normal for us.” 

He raised his eyebrows at you before setting down his beer and picking up the bottle of whiskey that sat on the table, and poured some in a glass that had God-knows-what in it beforehand- “Normal for us? You do realize that’s living out of my baby and killing monsters, right?”

“Yeah, exactly.” You shrugged as you leaned back and set your feet up on the table. “And we’re happy that way. That’s our normal.”

Dean half smiled at you as he took a sip of whiskey. “You okay?”

“No,” you said honestly as Sam came down the stairs, glaring at both you and Dean before walking outside.

“There’s something in Indiana, wanna tag along?” he asked, abruptly changing the subject.

“Not really,” you admitted. “I just… think it’s best for now.”

Dean offered another smile, not wanting to say much more. He knew you were in pain and was trying everything he could think of to keep from making it worse. You put your feet down and stood up. Now that your room was empty you could finally go back up and be alone.

“For what it’s worth,” Dean said as you began to walk off, “He says he wants his soul back.”

You stopped just before you reached the staircase, turning your head to the side. You were tired of your heart dropping at every mention of Sam’s soul. “Yeah, I guess we’ll see about that.”

–

“Well, Crowley lying doesn’t surprise me,” you said into the phone tucked against your cheek and shoulder as you unlocked the door to your motel room.

“Yeah,” was all Dean said before his end of the line went quiet.

“Dean?” you asked.

“Look, sweetheart, there’s somethin’ else,” he said in a tone of voice you knew was about to deliver bad news.

You took in a breath as you closed the door behind you and sat down on the bed. You had left Bobby’s to meet Sam and Dean half way to Indiana as they returned from the hunt. You weren’t ready to start hunting again, but you needed out for a bit. “Just… Out with it, please.”  
  
“He says he’s better off without it.”

“I hope you’re talking about demon blood,” you retorted.

“‘Fraid not,” Dean told you, sounding as disappointed as you felt.

You fell back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. Your phone began to get hot as you held it against your ear. “You’ll be here tonight?”

“Yeah.” Dean sounded like he was talking in a hushed tone now, like he was trying to keep Sam from hearing him.

“Kay,” you responded as you moved your arm up to hold your phone up so you could end the call.

“Y/N, wait,” Dean said, a bit louder this time, the words rushed.

“What?”

“We’re gonna figure this out, okay?”

“Yeah.” You couldn’t even convince yourself, and you know you sounded like it. You were anything but hopeful.

You hung up this time, not listening to see if Dean was going to say anything else. You tossed your phone and watched as it bounced off the bed and onto the floor, wishing that you were the one that didn’t care about anything.

Now that you were alone – _really alone_ – for the first time in days, the tears came. And they came hard. Suddenly, everything from the last almost year and a half started to catch up with you. You brought your hands up to your face and rubbed your eyes as sobs racked your body.

You had never gone into great detail about it with anyone. Everyone - including Dean, Cas, Bobby, and whoever all knew you loved Sam. Hell, you were positive that even Sam always knew. You even knew that Sam loved you back. You just thought all of this was over.

But stupidly, you thought wrong.

You took the time alone to just lay there and cry. Though you wanted to believe Dean that everything would get better, you just couldn’t. Feeling slightly disgusted at your own pity party, you sat up and tried to calm down. That, too, failed, until you turned the TV on and attempted to distract yourself for awhile as you waited for the boys. Which worked… After you’d poured yourself a few drinks.

What felt like minutes must’ve been a lot longer than that because before long, there was a knock at your door. You sighed as you stood up and walked over to the door to look through the peep hole.

You were anything but pleased to see Sam on the other side. Letting your anger take control, you reached over to the table and picked up your gun. Maybe he would take the hint if you threatened him.

Holding the gun up with one hand, you opened the door with the other. “I don’t wanna see you, Sam.”

“Is that so?” he said as he stepped in and closed the door behind him.

“Where’s Dean?” you asked, your gun still aimed right at him.

“Food and beer run.” Sam stepped towards you and you backed up. “You gonna shoot me? Or what?”  
  
He had a point. You held your breath and you pointed right for his head but you knew, deep down, that you’d never be able to pull that trigger.

You angrily tossed the gun up onto the table. “Did you even love me before?” you spat out.

Sam sat down on one of the beds, resting his elbows on his knees, and looked up at you. “Yeah.” You never knew a single word could be spoken with such nonchalance.

You avoided eye contact with him.

“I loved you more than anything,” Sam went on,  “And I’m sure if I had my soul, I’d still love you.”

“But you don’t want it back,” you said as you leaned up against the wall. You felt small; hearing Sam say it was… hard.

“I’m better without it.”

“You  _think_  you are.”

“I  _know_  I am.”

You laughed sarcastically, before getting to the point, tired of the current subject matter. “Why are you even here right now, Sam?”

Sam shrugged as he stood back up, and walked towards you. He didn’t stop until his arm was resting against the wall above your head so that he was leaning over you.

You swallowed thickly, unable to ignore the feeling inside of you that told you that you wanted to be with him.

He brought his other hand up to your face and brushed a strand of hair behind your ear. You could feel his breath on your face, but refused to make eye contact with him. He didn’t deserve it.

“Just because I don’t care about you, doesn’t mean I don’t wanna make you feel good,” he said, his voice low and cold.

“W-what am I supposed to say to that?” you stuttered.

“How about you don’t say anything?” His fingertips trailed down your cheek and then your jawline as he looked at you as if you were prey. “Well, you can scream if you want to.”

Sam leaned down even further, his hot breath on your neck as his lips brushed the sensitive skin there.

“You want me to scream?” you questioned hesitantly as his tongue darted out, tasting your neck. You knew he was getting ready to latch on and suck. He wanted to leave a nice purple hickey to show off that he still had you under his spell.

“Only with my cock buried in that tight little pussy of yours,”  he breathed as he lightly kissed your neck.

“What about your tongue?” you asked.

“If that’s what you want…” He trailed off as he did just as you knew he would. He sucked on your neck as hard as you thought he would, and you faltered as you lay there, propped up against the wall; pinned between it and the warm, muscular mass that was inherently  _Sam_. Your eyes rolled into the back of your head and before you could push him away, you were wrapping your arms around the back of his neck and jumping up to wrap your legs around his waist.

He moved up and crashed his lips into yours as he pressed you between the wall and his body harder; his already firm erection pressing into you through your clothes. You began unbuttoning his flannel shirt, fumbling until you got to the second button, then deciding to just tear it open. Buttons flew every which way and his grip on your thighs tightened while his tongue rolled against yours in a familiarly pleasurable manner.

You moaned into Sam’s mouth as the wetness between your legs grew. He took that as a sign to spin around and toss you down onto the bed and roll his hips into you, teasing you with not nearly enough friction.

“Sam,” you moaned as he went back down kiss your neck, giving the other side attention this time, “I need you.”

His mouth travelled even lower and stopped when he reached the neckline of your shirt, which was low, but not nearly low enough. “I know,” he growled just before gripping on and ripping your shirt open.

You gasped at his sudden forcefulness. He’d held back every other time you’d been with him. But now, you knew he had no soul - and if you were being honest, you wanted him to treat you like it.

Sam all but ripped your clothes off of your body, doing the honors of taking your boots off as well before shedding his own clothes. He left only your bra- you knew what that lacy fabric against your breasts did to him.

Suddenly, there was a sinking feeling in your chest as you laid there all hot and bothered. One that told you how probably shouldn’t be doing this. But you needed him. You needed to feel him. But… that didn’t mean you couldn’t mess with him first.

He stood up at the foot of the bed as he looked down at your body. He reached forward to try and spread your legs, but you wouldn’t let him. “You hurt me you know,” you breathed; tone seductive and contrary to the words it wrapped around.

“And?” Sam said, as if your feelings meant nothing. It was true, they really didn’t mean anything to him.

“The only way I can hurt you back right now is physically,” you said in return.

“Well I hate to break it to you,” he replied as he pulled your legs apart forcefully before coming up to lay down over you, resting his hard cock against your wet folds, “But you’re kinda at a disadvantage.”

“What if I changed my mind?” you teased, leaning up to bite his neck - hard, hard enough to bruise.

“You better say something now then,” he breathed, “Cause I don’t think I’m gonna be able to stop once I get a taste of you.”

You shifted your weight and hooked your leg around one of his thighs and somehow managed to flip him onto his back. “Well then.”

You rocked your hips back and forth against his cock as you sat up straight and balanced yourself, enjoying the moan that left his mouth.

“I knew you wouldn’t change your mind,” he said with a smirk on his face.

“Actually,” you said, a serious timbre to your voice this time, “I am.”

Without giving him a second to react, you climbed off of him and stood up, going straight for your panties on the floor and pulling them on. You stood up straight to find Sam sitting up, staring at you in shock.

You grinned at him and pointed towards the door. “Out,” you ordered.

Sam let out an incredulous laugh as he stood up. “You’re serious?”

“As a heart attack.” You leaned over and kicked his clothes at him as you went to look for a shirt, since he’d torn yours down the front.

But this was all part of your plan. You were trying your damndest to keep your cool. You were playing a soulless man in the only way you knew how - which was to say, you didn’t.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You allow Sam to help you take out some of your frustrations.

Keeping your cool. Right. So, never mind on that one. Tossing that ludicrous thought out the window, you lunged back towards Sam just as he leaned down to get his boxers, and dropped to your knees in front of him; gripping his cock before he went soft on you.

Soul or no soul, you were horny. And there was an indefinable characteristic about Sam that brought out an uncontrollable feeling that might have scared you if you thought too closely on it.

“What are you-” he started.

You pumped him a few times before looking up at him. “The only way I can get you back is physically, remember?”

You didn’t let him respond before you wrapped your lips around his cock. You sucked as you bobbed your head and licked around his thickness, working him over with your mouth, not giving him the chance to say anything.

“So,  _ju-ssst to_  be clear,” Sam managed to choke out as you teased the tip of his cock, before he gripped onto hair and pulled you off of him, “You _do_  want to have sex, right?”

You smiled up at him; the grip he had on your hair only fuelling your fire. “Only if you’re rough.”

The smirk on his face matched yours as he yanked you up off the floor by your hair and your lips collided. He only kissed you for a moment before he pulled back, his hand still in your hair, and threw you down on the bed face down.

“You don’t have to tell me twice,” he said as you brought your hands up by your head.

You felt it as Sam knelt between your legs and you didn’t move until you felt his hand make contact with your aching pussy. You sucked your lip into your mouth and moaned as you felt a single finger enter you. Sam used his free hand to grip onto your hip and have you lift your ass up off of the bed.

As turned on as you were, it didn’t take long before Sam slid a second finger into you and began scissoring them back and forth and brushing against your g-spot. Your hips bucked and whimpers left your mouth, which turned into moans as Sam slid a third finger in. He was relentless with his speed, like he wanted you to come already.

“ _God, Sam!_ ” you cried out as he fingered you.

“Oh baby I’m just gettin’ started,” he laughed, working you over like you’d never been worked over before. “Come on my fingers.”

He continued the motion of curling his fingers and his hand that was on your hip slid down to your ass and was now squeezing tightly. He let go for only a moment so that he could pull back and bring his hand back down on your ass with a loud smack, drawing out a yelp from you. But the pain mixed with the pleasure well and you found yourself almost ready to come.

“Again, please,” you begged as Sam thrust his long fingers deeper still inside of you.

You heard Sam chuckle as you turned your head to rest on your other cheek, your breath coming in sharp pants and gasps. His hand came down on you a second time and you cried out, but was soon followed by whimpering and begging for more.

“Harder,” you demanded as you laid there, even closer to orgasm now. Your muscles were tensed and you were close- it felt like the home stretch on the race to the finish.

Sam did as you said, and after what felt like too long, his hand drew back and came down on you, harder than it had the last two times. You’d be surprised if you couldn’t hear the smack of his hand on your ass outside. It hurt, and it hurt good. It was the trigger that you needed for your orgasm to rip through you at that very moment, and a mixture of Sam’s name and expletives left your mouth as his fingers never slowed down once. You felt your arousal dripping out of you and down your clit as you dug your fingers into the sheets and blankets that still lay on the bed.

Your body writhed until your orgasm was done and long after. If Sam was just getting started, you couldn’t imagine what else you were in for.

You were so light-headed after your orgasm that you barely noticed Sam lining up his throbbing cock up to your entrance. But  _fuck_  did you notice when he slammed into you. You noticed when his large cock filled you to the brim, burying himself inside of you balls deep. You cried out as your body adjusted to him.

“You good?” he asked as he pulled out slowly, letting his cock drag along your walls.

“Yeah,” you moaned helplessly, just before he slammed back in.

Sam dug his fingertips into your hips hard enough to leave bruises and you didn’t mind one bit as he pulled your body against his while he thrust into you again and again and again; an endless intense rhythm on the hard road to pleasure.

You weren’t sure if your body could keep up but you’d be damned if you didn’t try. You felt your face flush as you propped yourself up on your forearms, lifting the front end of your body up and sticking your ass up so that he could take you even deeper. Your back arched and your breasts bounced as Sam fucked into you roughly.

“Sam?” you got out, just barely.

“What?” he asked you just as he pulled out and helped flip you over onto your back.

“Don’t ask if I’m good again. If I need you to stop I’ll tell you to stop,” you said as you caught your breath.

He smirked as he looked down at you, lying there with a thin layer of sweat shining across your skin. “Good.”

Before you could say anything else or process what he was doing, Sam was kneeling down between your legs and his hand gently smoothed over your sensitive pussy before he pulled back and slapped it, drawing out another yelp from you. It felt good and stung a little at the same time- he knew enough not to slap your pussy as hard as he would slap your ass, but you were more than into it.

He leaned down even further, his tongue darting out and licking a stripe up your sex before he pressed the tip of his tongue against your clit. He flicked at it, keeping a steady pressure with his tongue, knowing how sensitive you were. You whimpered as he wrapped his arms around your thighs and held you in place by pressing gently on your abdomen.

“ _Fuck, fuck, fuuucck_ , Sam,” you mewled. Your body jerked around and you reached up to grip onto the bars of the headboard while your toes curled as you approached a second orgasm.

He circled around your bud and you were positive that the man wore a smile on his face as he worked you over. You felt it as he went down and licked around your entrance, slowly thrusting his tongue in and lapping up your juices and breathing in your sweet and tangy scent. Burying his face into you and his nose brushing against your clit, he made your body shake even more under his touch.

He moved back up and sucked your clit into his mouth, using every bit of talent and speed he had to throw your body into another orgasm, this one much stronger than the last. You let go of the head board and brought your hands down to your breasts, squeezing as your body convulsed with pleasure. God, he was good at this.

Your back arched off the bed as the last few waves of your orgasm coursed through you.

When you were done, Sam came back up, his face glistening with your arousal, and he was quick to slam back into you. You cried out as his cock once again filled you up.

You reached down and pushed your legs up, encouraging yourself to keep your legs spread wide for him. He kept his hand between your legs and his arm pressed between your bodies as he began fucking into you and brushed your now oversensitive clit with his fingertips.

You shook your head as you began to squirm underneath him as he fucked you. “ _S-sensitive_.” you whined.

But you didn’t want him to stop. You weren’t sure if you could come again but  _fuck_ , with Sam bottoming out in you over and over again and with the way he bit your neck, you just might.

You heard a low laugh come from him as he groaned and snapped his hips. He liked the way you were squirming, on the edge of screaming; the way your breath caught in your throat noisily whenever he hit that sweet spot.

“Sam,” you whined, “ _I can’t_ ”

You wrapped your arms around him and began digging your nails into his skin just to hold on.

“Yes, you can,” he said in a low voice before moving down just slightly to suck any skin into his mouth he could.

“No-” you tried to protest only to get cut off by Sam.

“Yes. Come,” he demanded.

And come you did. Your orgasm took you by surprise as your walls clenched around his cock. You felt him twitch inside of you and his thrusts faltered slightly, but he gathered himself quickly. He wasn’t ready to be done with you yet.

You screamed his name and his teeth drug along your skin in the crook of your neck while your hands slid down his back, tearing into his skin with your nails and encouraging him to pound into you even harder if that was possible.

“ _Fuck, Y/N_ ,” Sam groaned. “You’re always so tight.”

You breathed heavily as you responded, “That’s because your cock is so big, Sam.”

He finally removed his hand from your over sensitive pussy as he sat up on his knees and pulled your legs up, resting your ankles on his shoulders as he situated himself. He reached down and twisted your nipple almost painfully to get your attention. You looked up at him as his hair hung in his face, his hazel eyes darker than usual, blown wide with lust.

You enjoyed the way he smiled as he drew his hand back and let his land on your ass. Your hips were lifted off the bed, and since he was so tall, it gave him perfect access to do so. His torso glistened with sweat and his muscles screamed at you to come again just because of how hot he looked.

Sam drew his hand back yet again and slapped your ass harder this time, drawing out a pleasured yelp from you just before he pulled back a third time and slapped you again. For a moment you wondered if you liked it more than you should have, but you honestly couldn’t care less right now. You wanted Sam to fuck you and smack you around until you were emotionally and physically numb to distract you from the fact that he didn’t love you back.

“Give the other side some attention, babe” you moaned, and his smirk only grew into a full faced grin as he did just as you asked.

But this time he pulled his hips back and slammed his cock back into you at the same time that he slapped your other ass cheek. You could feel the skin throb and you sucked in air sharply through your teeth.

  
He looked down at you as he sat up over you and wrapped his arms around your thighs and began thrusting again. His cock was so deep inside you that you could feel the tip brush against your cervix, but you only begged for more. You begged for him to fuck you harder, for him to keep going; pleaded him with everything that you had left as your voice cracked from screaming too loud.

You could see it clear as day on Sam’s face when he was close . His eyes closed tight and his breathing became erratic along with his thrusts. His cock swelled and twitched inside you just before he opened his eyes to look down at your body as you moaned and writhed for him; your body on the edge of yet another orgasm. He watched as your breasts bounced, as you tried to figure out what to do with your hands while your walls started to squeeze his cock.

Your juices began to flow out onto the mattress just as Sam stilled inside you, his cum filling you up and flowing back out with your own spendings as you shook with pleasure. Your toes curled and you were unable to make a sound as you bit your bottom lip into your mouth.

Both you and Sam were finally able to take a breath once you’d both come down. He pulled out of you and lazily tossed your almost jello-like legs to the side and fell down next to you.

“Y-you uh, you didn’t use a condom,” you breathed.

“Did you want me to?” he asked as he rested his arms back up above his head.

You shrugged. “Guess it doesn’t matter.”

“Okay, then,” Sam said as you got up off of the bed slowly, considering the current state of your body.

“I’m gonna take a shower.” You walked over to your bag and grabbed a large t-shirt and a clean pair of underwear to sleep in. “You can join me?”

“You want fucked again?” Sam laughed.

You shrugged. “Guess you’ll have to find out.”

Sam smirked at you, his now soft cock twitching at the thought of another opportunity to come again. You smiled and disappeared into the bathroom.

After getting the water warmed up and getting in a few minutes later, you cleaned your thighs as the hot water fell over you. Sam wasn’t quiet about joining you in the shower. You heard the curtain pull back, and he gripped onto your waist as he stepped in. You winced slightly as the contact surprised you, but you were happy he came. Spinning around and looking up into his eyes, you wished for the millionth time that you could just see that sparkle, or feel that he loved you.

You smiled, shoving down your feelings (it seemed to be what you did best these days) before leaning forward and leaving a trail of kisses on his chest, starting on his tattoo and slowly working your way down until you were on your knees in front of him.

–

You woke up the next morning with Sam gone, and with your bed empty. You had figured he wouldn’t stick around, considering he never slept anyhow. Stretching out and rolling over to the empty side of the bed, you let the coldness of the sheets rouse you from your sleepy state, even if it was the opposite of what you wanted to do. If you had the choice, you were sure that you’d sleep forever.

Your eyes began to flutter open and your stomach turned slightly before you noticed the figure standing at the foot of the bed. Sitting up quickly, you nearly fell out of the bed on the way to get your gun when you realized it was just Cas. You took a deep breath and a moment to calm yourself. You really wished he wouldn’t just pop in like that.

“Cas?” you said, your voice a little horse from the night before, “You get off on watching  _me_ sleep now too!?”

“Sam and Dean have left already. They’re heading back to Bobby’s,” he said, staring you down. You could see the concern in his eyes as the early morning light shined through the curtains.   
  
You rubbed your eyes and yawned. “Okay, uh, so?”   
  
“Dean’s up to something. I have a feeling it has to do with Sam’s soul.”

You listened to Cas as you sat there, trying to wake up but also wondering why he’d seemed so detached lately.

“Got any ideas?” You yawned.

“He won’t say what, but, you need to stay away.”  
  
“Stay away?! Cas, what’re you-”

“I could sense it the moment I showed up this morning to talk to Dean and Sam,” he revealed.

“Sense what?”

“That you’re pregnant.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean goes off to play death, hoping to get Sam’s soul back. But what’s Sam up to while he’s gone?

Your mind went completely blank. You had to let what Cas just said run through your brain  _several_  times before you could even  _think_  about looking back up at him.  _Pregnant?_  How could you be pregnant? You  _just_  slept with Sam last night. What the hell did he mean ‘you’re pregnant’?! There’s no way. It wasn’t possible.

“I-I’m  _what_?!” you exclaimed.

“If I’m correct, you’re a little over four weeks along.” he told you. Castiel avoided eye contact with you. He would glance over and then quickly look away; it was very obvious that he did not want to be delivering this news to you.

But none of it was registering with you. The last time you had slept with Sam before last night was just over a month ago. Before you all found out about his soul being gone. The timeline lined up, it made sense, but at the same time you couldn’t make sense of any of it.

“So,” you began, your voice quiet still, from being in shock, “Why do I need to stay away?”

“If you want your child to stay safe, you need to stay away from Sam. You and I both know that he is  _extremely_  dangerous right now.” he stated.

You swallowed hard as your hand slid down to your lower abdomen. You had been a bit sleepier than usual, but that was it. Granted, if you were just over a month along, there wasn’t much time for symptoms to show themselves yet. Hell, you hadn’t even noticed that your period had yet to show up.

This didn’t feel real. None of it felt real. It  _couldn’t_  be real.

You did know, however, that Cas was right. Sam was dangerous right now. Dangerous enough that last night you thought you might actually need to kill him, even though you couldn’t, “Um, thanks Cas…I guess.”

“Will you be alright?” he asked you.

You looked away from him and looked down at the bed- “I-I don’t know. Um, why didn’t you tell me before?” You felt a lump form in your throat, and you kept your eyes trained on the bed so maybe Cas wouldn’t see it if you started to cry.

“I haven’t seen you since there’s been a heartbeat. I’m not able to tell until the egg’s been fertilized-” He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and looked to the side, clearly listening in to someone praying to him or something. “I have to go. Stay away from Sam,” he warned, and in the blink of an eye, he was gone.

“Well I guess a condom really  _didn’t_  matter.” you said to yourself as you laid back on the bed.

Shock really began to set in as you laid there. Tears fell, but you didn’t sob. You didn’t feel heartbroken. You just stared at the ceiling and wondered what in the hell you were going to do. If Dean was going after Sam’s soul, how could you stay away? You needed to be there. You didn’t know what idiotic plan he had up his sleeve. What if he needed your help?

For now, you just needed to let the news sink in completely. And boy did it sink in. Your heart rate sped up and your stomach turned over as the realization that there was a baby inside of you settled in - and you were terrified. This was a horrible life to raise a child in. Sure you could quit hunting, but look at how well that went for Dean. It didn’t go well at all. He lasted a year. And had he known that Sam wasn’t in hell after all…

You thought briefly about adoption, but there wasn’t a more sure fire way to guarantee that demons and all things that go bump in the night would go after the kid. Your child would never be safe in someone else’s arms, or in yours, for that matter.

Before you realized what was even going on, you were sobbing and picking up your phone and calling Dean.  Dean was your rock through this time while Sam was so…not himself.

You held the phone to your ear and waited while it rang, your heart still thumping loudly as you waited for him to pick up.

“Rise and shine slee-” Dean answered, but stopped talking the second he heard your sniffeling.

“Dean,” you choked out, “We have a uh..issue.”

“What’s wrong? You need me to turn around?” you could hear his voice flip right over to protective mode.

“S-sam’s not around is he?” you asked.

“Well, he’s sitting next to me while I’m driving, but.. He can’t hear you, no.”

_Shit_ , you thought, _how do I do this?_

“Dean, I-I’m… um… I’m…pregnant,” you cried.

“What?!” He practically shouted, but he immediately changed where he was going with the conversation, knowing that Sam would be asking him what was up. “No, no, you’re right, you can hunt on your own.”

“Should I come back to Bobby’s too?” you asked.  
  
“I don’t know sweetheart,” he said, his voice still filled with panic, but calm at the same time.

“Cas said to stay away from Sam.”

“Well, Y/N, I… I, he’s probably right.” Dean admitted. You could hear the fear in his own voice.

“What? No! Dean,” you began, not giving him the chance to say anything more, “I’m on my way to Bobby’s right now. I need to be there.” You hung up quickly before either of you could say anything else. You knew Dean wouldn’t be happy with you for this, but you didn’t care.

You got out of bed and got dressed before grabbing your things and hitting the road. You needed to do  _something._

You wouldn’t sit around and wait. That wasn’t you.

–

It didn’t take as long to get back to Bobby’s as you thought it would, but you did walk in on Sam, Dean, and Bobby arguing when you got there. Dean made eye contact with you immediately, and you walked over to Bobby and gave him a half assed hug before walking over to Dean and doing the same.

You avoided Sam.

“Death said he can put up a wall.” Dean announced, trying his hardest to keep calm as you set your stuff down on the couch.

“A  _wall?_ ” Sam questioned him. Sam was also the only one in the room who hadn’t given you a second thought when you walked in. But you expected nothing less from him.

“Yes, yes a wall-” Dean began as he turned to Bobby who’d sat down on the couch- “that basically, you wouldn’t remember hell.”

You stood up straight as you watched the argument take place, sort of liking where it might be leading. It could be good, or it could be too good to be true. It was probably the latter.  

“Really?” Sam asked, obviously less than pleased, though what else had he been lately?

“Really,” Dean replied.

“For good? Like… a cure.” Sam asked. You held your breath, bracing yourself for what this was going to cost.

Dean paused for a second, looking between you, Sam, and Bobby. “No, it’s not a cure. It… He said it could last a lifetime.”

“Great, so-” Sam said as he began pacing around the room, only for you to interrupt him.  
  
“I like the idea-” you spoke up, drawing the attention of all three men towards you as you stood against the wall- “Sam, I know you don’t really… uh, care right now? But.. I need you back. The real you. Soul and all.”

Sam looked at you and for a moment, and you almost thought that maybe, just maybe, he took what you’d just said into consideration. Dean looked at you as well, knowing why you needed Sam back now more than ever - but kept quiet.

“I’m just trying to save your life, Sam.” Dean said, looking over at his brother.  
  
“Exactly Dean, it’s  _my_  life,” Sam argued, “It’s  _my_ life, and it’s  _my_  soul, and it sure as hell ain’t your head that’s gonna explode when this whole scheme of yours goes sideways!”

The boys both stood there, staring each other down for a moment as Bobby stood up, “Just curious-” he said as he walked over to Dean- “I presume Death’s not doin’ this outta the goodness of his heart… so what’s your half of the deal?”

Dean stood back and looked between the three of you. You’d already walked over and joined the little circle that had formed. He stayed quiet for a moment - nervous about what he was going to say next.  
  
“Sorry, I didn’t get that.” Bobby urged him to just speak up already.

“I have to wear the ring for a day.” He finally said.

“Why the hell would he want you to do that?” Bobby asked.

Dean shook his head and rolled his eyes- “Get his rocks off, I don’t know- but I’m doin’ it.”

Sam just shook his head and started to walk off. It really hurt you that he wanted no part of this. If you were being honest, Dean having to play Death for a day didn’t seem all that bad. Hell, you’d do it yourself if you had to.

“Where do you think you’re goin’?” Dean asked.

“Look-” he turned around to face the three of you- “I hear you alright? I get it. I just need a minute to wrap my head around it. Alright?”

When he turned back around to walk away is when a few stray tears fell down your cheeks that you didn’t know you were holding back. You exhaled, and Dean turned to you once Sam had left.

“We’ll talk. Okay?” He asked, and you nodded, “I’m gonna fix this. For all of us.”

Bobby looked at you, now noticing that there was something more going on. Dean followed Sam outside, and you knew you were about to hear it from Bobby. He was going to want to know what was up.

“Just don’t call me an idjit, please, it’s the last thing I need right now.” you pleaded. Watching as his brows furrowed.

“What the  _hell_  did you do?” He sighed.

“I’m.. uh, I’m p-pregnant, Bobby” Saying that never got any easier. And you’re sure it never would.

“What do you mean your pregnant?” He asked, his protective yet agitated voice settling in.

You just stood there, looking at him, pleading with your eyes for him to not make you say it again. You were already in tears, and you already felt stupid. You looked to the side as you wondered how this could’ve happened, even though you already knew- “Sam can’t know.”  
  
“It’s Sam’s?!” Bobby exclaimed, his voice raising slightly, “You’re damn right he can’t know!”

You walked over and sat down on the couch, burying your face in your hands. You didn’t want to talk about it anymore.

“We’ll figure it out, Y/N.” Bobby said before walking to meet Sam at the door.

Great. You were hoping that Sam would stay outside, or that you would have enough time to sneak away upstairs before he returned. You couldn’t face him right now. You looked down while Bobby let Sam back in.

“Is this the part where you pull a gun on me and lock me in the panic room?” Sam asked.

Bobby stopped in his tracks and turned to him- “Do I have to?”

“No, I guess Dean’s gotta do what he’s gotta do.” Sam said as he walked over to you.

“Guess we all do, kid.” Bobby mumbled as Sam moved your bag that you’d had sitting on the other side of the couch so that he could sit down next to you.

You weren’t looking, your face was still buried in your hands but you could feel Bobby giving you one of his looks. He walked into the kitchen and you didn’t protest whenever Sam wrapped his arm around you. You didn’t know what he wanted, but you let him pull you close and he let you rest your head against his chest.

“You’re really bent up over this, huh?” He asked.

If he only knew.

“I just need you to come back to me, Sam.” you said with a broken voice.

He took in a deep breath and let you stay there, resting against him.

“I  _really_  need you Sam, now more than ever.” You almost felt silly, this is something you would never normally say out loud, though now that you were aware of the raging hormones within you, it made more sense. What you began to feel was uncontrollable.

You didn’t care if he didn’t care right now. You just needed the physical contact. Right, now, you didn’t care if he’d yanked you through the mud only to kiss your scars whenever you got back up.

You only gave yourself another moment with Sam before pulling away and disappearing up the stairs to one of the spare bedrooms. You just wanted to sleep all of this off.

The bed wasn’t that comfortable and you were pretty sure that this room had the most mold in all of Bobby’s old, dilapidating house, but you didn’t care. It was one of the few places you felt like home at, and you relaxed into the cool embrace of the mattress just before drifting off to sleep - much quicker than expected.

-

You woke up to what sounded like a fight. There was all sorts of ruckus and shouting coming from down stairs and you knew that only meant one thing. Sam, once again, had decided he didn’t want his soul back.

Your eyes shot open and you glanced over at the clock on the nightstand, noticing that you’d been asleep for a few hours at this point. But by the sound of it, it was time to get up. So you quietly swung your legs over the edge of the bed and closed your eyes tightly, trying to keep the floorboards from creaking under your feet.

You grabbed your gun from a table against the wall by the door and heard a door slam downstairs. You slowly crept out of the room and into the hallway, flinching whenever you heard something being smashed followed by Sam and Bobby both talking loudly, arguing. Something was wrong.

“Y/N, you stay upstairs!” you heard Bobby shout a moment later.

_Great._


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things take a bit of a turn while Dean is off trying to get Sam’s soul back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I'm going to put it in the tags, but just in case you read this before I can get that done, this chapter includes a miscarriage. <3

Your heart pounded in your chest as you wondered what it was that Sam was trying to do. You sat down at the top of the stairs, gun in hand, and listened while Bobby did something that, from the clanging of metal and Sam’s shouts that suddenly became muffled, sounded like locking Sam in the basement. How were you supposed to respond to this? It wasn’t safe for you, or the baby for that matter, to go help.

_Dammit,_  you thought. The baby. This was the worst possible time to remember that you were pregnant. It still didn’t feel real. Though, you didn’t exactly want it to feel real. You wanted to go back to bed and then wake up and have this all be one big bad dream.

After a moment of waiting and deciding Bobby had things under control, you stood up and went back into the bedroom, set your gun down, and started to make your way back to bed. But there was a sickening twist in your stomach a minute later. When you heard the basement door opening downstairs, you decided to go back out into the hallway.

You made your way silently down the hallway, listening carefully, but there was nothing. No talking, no fighting, absolutely nothing. That was never good.

When you reached the top of the stairs, you locked eyes with Sam, who was making his way up.

There was blood dripping down his forehead from his hairline and you immediately spun around to run back into the bedroom.  _Why the hell didn’t I pick my gun back up?_  you thought.

You’d nearly made it back to the bedroom when you felt Sam grip onto your hair from behind. He pulled you back to his chest and wrapped his other arm around you. If his hold hadn’t been threatening it almost would have been pleasurable.

“Sam let me go!” you shouted, squirming and fighting against him, but he was much stronger than you.

“You all really think you need that other guy, huh?” he growled.   
  
“We do Sammy! And so do you!” you shouted, Sam’s grip on your hair tightening, causing you to cry out in pain. Any harder and your hair would start coming out.

“Oh shut up.” Sam laughed.

He slowly started walking you back towards the stairs, and when you reached the top, you began shouting for Bobby.

“I said, shut up,” Sam snarled, and before you could even make sense of what was going on, you were tumbling down the stairs. You felt a snap in your wrist and you tried to bring your arms up to cover your stomach, but by the time you managed to process what was going on, you were unconscious.

-

“Y/N? Y/N, come on sweetheart, wake up.” Dean’s voice said, as he shook you. Your head pounded and you felt like you’d heard Dean say something else, but you couldn’t make out what.

“Y/N, you gotta get up, you’re bleeding.” Dean said, and that’s when it clicked. That’s what you thought he’d said, but you were still too out of it to respond. You felt yourself coming to and fading back out over and over again.

“Dammit,” you heard Dean say one last time before you lost consciousness again.

-

You groaned in pain when you began to wake up. You could feel everything now. Your head hurt, your wrist hurt, and you had cramps like a motherfucker.

“Hey, Y/N, lay still okay?” You heard Dean say, and you felt his hand run up and down your arm.

The fluttering of a familiar set of wings encouraged you to open your eyes. “Y/N, I told you to stay away from here.”

You tried to sit up, realizing that you were in the same bedroom at Bobby’s house that you’d been staying in lately. Dean helped you scoot up and lean against the headboard, adjusting the pillow behind you as you made eye contact with Castiel.

“C-Cas,” you started, clearing your throat, “I couldn’t.”

No one seemed to know what to say for a moment. Dean seemed to have been worried about you, Cas seemed pissed, you didn’t know where the hell Bobby was. Your lip quivered whenever the need for things to just go back to normal took over. You didn’t even have the guts to ask if you were still pregnant.

“Y/N,” Cas began in his best apologetic voice he could manage, “There’s no more… Um. There’s no longer a heartbeat.”

Your heart sank but you remained as you were just a second ago. You’d barely had time to process that you were pregnant in the first place. It might hit you later. In fact, it probably would. But you didn’t have time to think about that right now.  
  
“Oh,” was all that came out of your mouth.

Dean offered you a comforting smile and Cas stepped towards you, placing two fingers to your temple and sending a surge of warm energy through your body. A moment later, your wrist no longer hurt and your abdomen no longer ached. Your pounding headache washed away as Castiel stepped back, and left.

“Y/N,” Dean said, willing you to look at him as he sat beside the bed in a chair.

“Sam?” you inquired.

“Death put his soul back,” he said, and for a moment, you began to feel hopeful.

“And? Is he…?”

“He hasn’t woken up yet,” he told you as he grabbed your hand.  
“How long’s it been?” you asked.

“A day.”

“Well, maybe he just needs to get settled back in,” you suggested, still hopeful.

“Yeah,” Dean agreed, though now he sounded less optimistic.

“Is Bobby okay?”

“He’s fine, just a little… I don’t know,” he began, “Sam had him tied up and was gettin’ ready to stab him when I got back.”  
  
“What was he doing?!” you questioned.

“I think he was tryin’ to work some spell to keep his soul out.”

There was another moment of silence and your mind drifted somewhere else this time. You wanted nothing more than to see Sam - but if you were being quite honest, you were terrified of him. He threw you down the stairs. He broke your wrist -even though you were now healed up- and you had been knocked unconscious along the way. You were lucky he didn’t kill you… like he had killed your child.

For now, all you could do was wait.

-

You sat on the bottom step of the basement stairs, waiting for the panic room door to open. Dean had Cas come down from wherever he’d been lately to take a look at Sam’s soul.

You hadn’t gone into that room once. It had been ten days since Dean went to get Sam’s soul back; ten days since you’d lost Sam’s baby. You were numb to it at first, but the more time that passed, the longer you sat around Bobby’s house, the harder it became.

As of right now, you couldn’t even imagine looking at Sam.

You were startled and stood up when the door opened. Your eyes landed on Cas as he slowly walked out of the room. You nearly knocked Dean over in the process.

“Well?” you asked. You weren’t sure if you cared intensely or if you didn’t care at all.

“His soul is in place,” Cas said as he walked passed you and Dean.

Dean looked between Sam and Cas, and then glanced at you once more before looking back at Cas. “Is he ever gonna wake up?”

That was a question you weren’t sure you wanted to hear the answer to.

“I’m not a human doctor, Dean,” Cas said flatly.

“Could you take a guess?” Dean asked, raising his voice.

“Dean,” you sharply spoke up, trying to keep him from yelling. You got it, you really did. But this wasn’t Castiel’s fault.

“Okay.” Cas turned around, obviously irritated with how the older Winchester spoke to him. “Probably not.”

Your heart stopped.

“Oh, well, don’t sugar coat it,” Dean said, glancing at you to make sure you were still okay.

“I’m sorry Dean, Y/N, but I warned you not to put that thing back inside him,” Cas said to you both.

“Well what were we supposed to do?” Dean asked, “Let T-1000 walk around, hope he doesn’t open fire?” he yelled.

You tensed up when Cas stepped forward, fire in his normally cool eyes. “Let me tell you what his soul felt like when I touched it.” You readied yourself in case you had to step in between them before Cas continued, “It felt like it had been skinned alive, Dean,” he said while looking directly into his eyes.

Your eyes pricked with tears when Cas said that. You couldn’t detach your emotions from the situation any longer. You couldn’t tell yourself that you didn’t want Sam to wake up and be okay, because you did.

Regardless of the situation, you didn’t think you could actually go on without Sam.

The look in Dean’s eyes changed from anger to fear as Castiel’s words sank in. “If you wanted to kill your brother, you should’ve done it outright.”

In the blink of an eye and a flutter of wings, Cas was gone, his words still ringing in the air.

You looked over at Dean, teary eyed and quite honestly on the verge of sobbing. You both looked over at Sam, who still laid almost lifeless in the panic room- and that’s when your tears fell.

There was silence for a moment between the two of you; a deafening silence.

“I need to be alone with him,” you finally said.   
  
Dean placed his hand on your shoulder and took a deep breath. “You sure, sweetheart?”

“If, i-if he doesn’t…” You trailed off, not wanting to admit that he might not actually make it through this.

“Okay, okay,” Dean said before taking you into a hug. “I’ll be upstairs with Bobby.”

“Kay,” you mumbled. You pulled away from Dean and walked towards the panic room.

Standing in the doorway was the closest you’d gotten to Sam since he’d been out. You held your breath as you walked into the old dingy room, counting the amount of steps it took to walk up to the bed Sam was laying on.

He looked so peaceful. You only hoped it was that way inside his mind as well. You were the only one out of you, Sam, Dean, and Cas who hadn’t been to Hell, and you knew that you were lucky for it. Kneeling down on the floor next to Sam, you brought your hand up and placed it on his arm.

You sniffed as more tears fell; as your heart ached. You took his hand in yours and used your free hand to wipe the tears away. You didn’t know what to say to him. You didn’t know which version of Sam was in there and you didn’t even know if he could hear you. But as you let out a sob you also whispered, “Please come back to me.”

You moved your hand up and threaded your fingers into Sam’s hair, twisting and twirling his brown locks around your fingers; silently begging him to wake up.

Not more than a few minutes passed since Dean had went upstairs and left you with Sam. Closing your eyes, you laid your head down next to Sam, your hand still threaded in his hair, the other hand now holding his.

You were tired, broken, hopelessly in love, and above all, empty. All at the same time. You cried as you buried your face into the old mattress, wishing you had more to say. Dammit, why did you have to love him so much?

You began to drift off a few seconds later, which is why you didn’t respond to Sam squeezing your hand. You felt yourself fading even faster, and when you heard Sam groan slightly, like he was waking up from the longest nap of his life - you thought you were dreaming.

You felt his weight on the mattress shift and still thought nothing of it until he spoke.

“Y/N?”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam wakes up. You and Dean decide it's best not to tell him everything.

You opened your eyes as Sam sat up, his grip on your hand firm as he looked down at you. **  
**

“Sammy!” you exclaimed, standing up immediately and jumping into his lap, you wrapped your arms around him like it was second nature, and nearly knocked him over in the process. But the way he gasped and melted into you told you that this was  _your_  Sam.

He was really here. He was really back. It was all him and his soul was intact. You could feel it.

“Y/N… I can’t- is this real?” His voice was filled with emotion, and you only sat back on his lap and took his face in your hands.

“Every last bit of it,” you whispered, your eyes darting between his beautiful hazel ones that were absolutely one hundred percent Sam’s, and his lips, which were a bit chapped, but you didn’t care in the slightest.

Tears from pure joy spilled over from your eyes and streamed down your cheeks whenever Sam said those three words that you’d been dying to hear for  _so damn long_. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” you cried out before leaning in and crashing your lips into his.

It was different this time. Sam was gentler, he was genuine, soft, and everything you’d ever wanted - needed - him to be.

You pulled back with a grin on your face after feeling like you hadn’t kissed him long enough. “We should go upstairs.” Reluctantly yet excitedly, you stood up and took Sam’s hand in yours to lead him upstairs. “Dean?! Bobby!”

After you were certain that Sam was steady on his feet, you led him out of the panic room and up the basement stairs, even though he already knew the way. Your heart pounded in your chest and your fingers were tightly laced with his as you made your way through the kitchen and into the room where Dean and Bobby sat.

You looked up at Sam as he let go of your hand and stepped forward. “Dean.”

Both Dean and Bobby’s attention was drawn to you and Sam immediately, but mostly to Sam. They were completely shocked to see that he was alive, let alone up and walking.

“Sam…” Dean said as he stood up and walked straight to his brother, who grabbed him and embraced him immediately.

It took Dean a moment before he seemed to trust that Sam was  _really_  Sam. He even made eye contact with you over Sam’s shoulder, seemingly awaiting your approval.

When Dean pulled back to get a good look at Sam, he pulled away and went right for Bobby as the four of you looked around at each other, unsure. You, Dean, and Bobby were all thinking the same thing: Did Sam remember?

Bobby seemed to have a bit harder of a time with Sam, but Sam  _did_  try to kill him, after all. Though, it was nothing compared to what he did to you. But you did feel like you’d had some time to cope. You had only known you were pregnant for a day, after all.

“Good to see ya,” Bobby struggled to say.

“Wait-” Sam began, pulling back from Bobby’s weak hug- “I saw you… I-I  _felt_  Lucifer snap your neck.”

Dean looked at Bobby, who looked back at Dean, and then they both looked at you. Oh, so maybe he didn’t remember.

“Well… Cas-” Bobby started, only to be interrupted by Sam. Your heart was now beating faster and you stepped closer to Dean.

“Cas? Cas is alive?!”

Dean began stepping forward, towards Sam and Bobby, “Yeah, Cas-Cas is fine. Sam, are you okay?”

So maybe it hadn’t clicked in Dean’s head yet.

“Actually, I um- I’m starving,” was all he said.

One of the corners of your mouth turned up slightly as you spun around to go raid Bobby’s fridge. There had to be something in there for Sam to eat. You found the stuff to make a sandwhich with, and a moment later you heard Dean’s footsteps come into the kitchen.

“You alright?” he asked you.

You took a deep breath, which ended up being slightly shakier than you’d intended. “For now.”

“That’s good,” he replied as Sam and Bobby made their way into the kitchen as well. A few minutes later you were setting a sandwich down in front of Sam, and Dean set a beer down in front of him.

“So Sam,” Dean began, “What’s the last thing you remember?” he asked as he sat down. You pulled up a chair and sat down sort of between the two of them, but not quite at the table like they were.

“The field,” Sam shrugged, “And then I fell.” He glanced at you and smiled, almost like you weren’t real to him.

“What else?” you asked.

“That’s it… and then I woke up in the panic room… to you.” He smiled, genuinely, showing off his dimples.

And in that instant, the way that you and Sam exchanged looks told both Dean and Bobby that things with you and Sam were now…  _happening_. Or at least, you hoped they were. They had to be. He told you he loved you.

“That’s it?” Bobby asked, seemingly unimpressed, “You really don’t remember?”

“Let’s be glad!” Dean butted in, giving Bobby a look that told you that you were all now keeping his time on Earth without a soul a secret.  
  
“Yeah, no one wants to remember all that hell, right?” you suggested, placing your hand on Sam’s thigh as you did.

“Well, h-how long was I gone?” Sam asked, still looking directly at you, his eyes only ever leaving yours to glance down at the smile you wore on your face.

“About a year and a half,” Dean said.

“What?” Sam questioned, “I was downstairs for…” He trailed off as he stared blankly down at the table, shaking his head, “I don’t remember anything.” You moved your hand from his thigh to his shoulder as you watched him become a bit more upset. “So how’d I get back- was it Cas?”

“Dean had to go play Death for a day,” you filled in.

“What? Dean…” he started.

“It’s fine, it’s done. I had leverage. Slate’s wiped,” Dean said before Sam could finish.

“ _Well_  isn’t this just neat and clean?” Bobby said, rolling his eyes.

“Yes it is,” you and Dean both said at the same time.

You were surprised that you were going along with this. But you liked the idea of not having to tell Sam what he’d put you through. You liked the idea of not having to tell him what he’d done to you… Because you knew that if he knew he threw you down those stairs, he’d never forgive himself.

“There anything else I should know?” Sam asked.

Dean shook his head. “No. That’s it.”

Once Sam had finished eating, Dean and Bobby went outside, leaving you and Sam alone, still sitting at the small dining room table. There was an excitement inside of you, burning away all the sadness from before.

“So, everything’s over?” Sam finally asked you as you both sat and drank your beers.

“Well, until the next big thing pops up, yeah,” you said, but couldn’t help but smile at him.

There was a moment between you and Sam where you both just looked at each other. You were really seeing  _him_  for the first time in what felt like forever.

Your hands were crossed in front of your chest when Sam scooted his chair out and turned to face you. With you watching his every movement, he reached out for you, and took your hands in his. There were no words needed now, not for how he was trying to tell you he loved you. You pulled your hands free from his, got up, and moved forward so that you could straddle his lap, pressing yourself closer to him.

“I love you,” he said as you ran your fingers through his hair while he placed his hands on your waist.

“I love you too, Sam.” You could feel his lips on yours as you spoke to him; that’s how close you were. As you breathed each other’s air, as you took what you couldn’t have this last year and half, you relished in the moment.

Sam closed the near nonexistent distance between the two of you and kissed you. You weren’t sure if you’d ever get used to this now much softer and gentler touch, or the way he was gripping onto you like you were his lifeline.

“Let’s go upstairs,” he suggested, “I need to be with you… I need all of you.”

Sam pulled you against him, bringing you even closer -if that was possible- and you rolled your hips into his, letting out the smallest of moans as you kissed him some more before you nodded.

Sam’s hands moved down to your thighs and wrapped around the back of them, and he picked you up as he stood. You kept your arms wrapped around the back of his neck and he had a hard time watching where he was going; too caught up in kissing you.

You wrapped your legs around his waist even tighter to encourage him to hurry up and you both laughed as he struggled to get you both up the stairs in such a position, but he wouldn’t set you down. He wouldn’t let you go. Sam wanted to show you what you meant to him, now that you meant something to him.

Eventually Sam had made it up to the bedroom you’d been staying in, not knowing that’s where you’d been staying. You managed to kick the door closed behind him and you both let out a sigh when he laid you down on your back, on the bed.

His tongue rolled against yours, and his hands ran up and down your sides, feeling every inch of you that he could. He only managed to unbutton your flannel shirt enough to expose your bra, and you’d both been fighting to kick your shoes off and undo your pants. It was hot and desperate, but at the same time, slow and intimate.

You scooted up and over a small ways as you both worked on sliding your pants off while your lips stayed glued to each other. There was no room for words and hardly enough time for moaning as you reached out for your nightstand to blindly search for the drawer handle to get to the condoms you had in there.

When Sam realized what you were doing he reached with his much longer arms and found one with ease. It was only then he came up for air long enough to talk. “You sure?”

“Yes Sam,  _please_ ,” you half moaned and half begged.

Looking up into those hazel eyes of his, you could tell there was something more there. Something that wasn’t quite love but wasn’t quite lust- almost like he was remembering something. He was silent for a moment while you finished taking your pants off.

“Sam?” you asked, seemingly shaking him out of whatever that was.

“Yeah, I, It’s just…” he sat back for a moment and you sat up with him. “Nevermind.”

“You okay?” you asked while bringing up your hand to brush his hair behind his ear.

He nodded as he relaxed into your touch, and you realized you probably should be acting like you haven’t done this with him before. But he seemed almost as if he remembered too.

“Just need you,” he whispered as he grabbed you and pushed you back down onto the bed while crashing his lips back into yours.

Your heart felt like it stopped beating for a moment whenever you reached down to the waistline of his jeans and helped pull them the rest of the way down. Sam was quick with the condom,  and before long he was perfectly settled between your legs. If you were being honest, had you both not been in such a rush, your clothes might’ve actually come off faster, but there was no way out of rushing right now.

Sam stopped kissing you long enough to enter you. He did so slowly, giving you time to adjust to his thick length and unknowingly giving you enough time to remember that Cas had healed you completely, which helped you to relax.

“ _God, Sam_ ,” you moaned as everything you’d ever wanted happened, “I’m so in love with you.”

Sam’s pace was still slow and steady as he lifted his head to look into your eyes. “I’m in love with you too.”

You looked into each other’s eyes for what had to be minutes, but if you were being honest it didn’t feel like it was nearly long enough. Nothing felt like it was lasting long enough, especially after all the time you’d missed out on together. The emotion you felt right now, the pleasure… It was overwhelming.

“Sam, move,” you whispered and he did just that. He leaned down to kiss you at the same time he began to pull out, and then slowly thrust back into you.

Things continued to move slow like this for a few moments, but then you both began panting, and Sam’s movements began to speed up. He buried his face in the crook of your neck and your arms wrapped around him, your hands threading into his hair. Your legs wrapped around the back of his thighs and you began to whimper as you felt the heat between your legs expand.

Sam seemed to respond when you lightly pulled on his hair, so you kept it up. You both heard a door close downstairs and Sam was quick to move and put a hand over your mouth- you hadn’t even realized you were making much noise. He shifted so that he was able to bring his hand between your bodies and reach down for your clit, which didn’t need much stimulation before you started coming undone around him.

Your walls fluttered around Sam’s cock as you came and not long after Sam was coming as well, removing his hand from your mouth and planting a passionate kiss on your lips. He stilled inside you, both of you breathing heavily, and as he pulled away, he looked into your eyes. This was so much more than just sex, and both of you knew it.

“I love you,” he said.

“I love you too.” Your voice was slightly broken, and you weren’t sure if it was from emotion or if it was from the sex.

Neither you or Sam were in a big hurry over the next several minutes to get back up, but you had to. It sounded like Dean was packing up for a hunt and both of you knew without saying a word that you needed to find out what was going on.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam gets back out there right away, and something you were trying to keep from him is revealed.

After getting dressed, you and Sam made your way outside to where Dean and Bobby were. The two of you walked hand in hand, and you wouldn’t have had it any other way.

You and Sam had never been able to be together, and it was almost weird now. Whether it was because of the apocalypse, or because of the whole demon blood and Ruby thing that Sam went through, or the Lucifer’s true vessel and going to hell thing. Something was just always in the way, and now, it was almost weird. But it felt right. It felt so, totally right.

Dean was closing the trunk of the Impala when you and Sam walked up on Dean and Bobby talking. Dean was most definitely getting ready to leave for a hunt.

You didn’t hear what Bobby had said, but you heard Dean, “We’ll leave ‘em alone and call ‘em later.”

“Call us from where?” Sam responded.

“Oh-” Dean turned around, surprised to see the two of you standing there. “Uh, there’s this thing in Oregon.”

Sam’s face lit up. “Great, I’m in.”

“Woah, Sam,” you started.

“You  _just_  got vertical,” Dean added.

“Exactly, guys, I’m up, I’m good,” Sam insisted, “And Y/N,  _you_  know I’m fine.”

“God, guys,” Dean said, making a disgusted face, “Sam, a few more days of crap cable couldn’t hurt.”

“Right, because that’s what you did when you got back from hell,” Sam sassed back.

You looked up at him and smiled. “Good point.”

“Alright, looks like it’s the four of us then,” Dean reluctantly agreed.

“Nah, you three go on ahead. You got this covered,” Bobby said while he grabbed his bag and turned back towards the three of you. You weren’t sure what was up Bobby’s ass but it was something, “I uh, forgot I promised that idjit Rufus I’d work phones.”

Dean wasn’t buying it, but he didn’t say anything. Hell, you weren’t even buying it, and you were pretty sure that Sam wasn’t either.

“You sure?” Dean asked.

“Yeah, yeah, you three enjoy catching up,” Bobby insisted.

You, Sam, and Dean all exchanged suspicious glances as Bobby made his way back inside.

“What was that?” Sam asked.

Dean shrugged, “One part age, three parts liquor?”

You and Sam shrugged while Dean moved to get in the car. You started to make your way to the back seat as well but Sam grabbed you by the wrist, and spun you back around until your chest was against his. Well, as much as it could be, given the height that Sam had on you.

“You really believe that I’m fine, don’t you?” he asked as his fingers laced with yours.

“Maybe,” you started, looking up and making eye contact, “you need to prove it.”

“Oh, I will.” Sam said as he leaned down and placed a soft kiss on your lips. It was so easy to get lost in him. He was just… perfect. His free hand moved up to cup your cheek as his tongue slid into your mouth.

You were both interrupted by Dean honking the horn and yelling, “Break it up! Or you both can stay here.”

You pulled away from Sam and walked over to the driver’s side to get in the back, flipping Dean off in his mirror along the way. He responded by flipping you off right back.

_Fuck_ , this all felt so normal. Like it was meant to be. You and Sam together, you and Dean flipping each other off as a sign of love- you couldn’t ask for more. You only hoped that Sam’s memory from the last year stayed packed away.

Your mind briefly drifted to the pregnancy, but you stopped yourself. You’d only known for a day before it was over and you didn’t need a baby anyway… even if it didn’t make it any easier. Hopefully, Sam would never even find out about it.

-

You’d fallen asleep for a bit, and when you woke it was dark outside, and you could hear Sam talking on the phone about something related to the case. That’s when you decided to sit up.

“So get this,” Sam began, noticing that you were now awake, “Besides the crash, there were two other disappearances in town,  _this week_.”

You leaned up against the front seat, between the brothers while they talked about the case. If you were being honest though, you just wanted to go back to sleep. Sleeping in the Impala was never very satisfying.

You hadn’t realized you began to doze off again until Sam began talking to Dean, “So you never even tried, huh?”

“Tried?” Dean questioned.

“To go live a life… after..” Sam trailed off for a moment, “You do remember you promised that, right?”

You bit your tongue as you sat up as you waited for Dean to answer. Would he lie again?

“Yeah, I remember.”

“So why didn’t you try? Both of you, actually. You were supposed to go live your life too, Y/N…”

“I…” you began, but you had no idea how to answer, which is probably why Dean interrupted you.

“What makes you think  _I_  didn’t?”

“Look at you, look at this,” Sam motioned around the Impala, at Dean, the music playing, “You’re exactly the same.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” Dean agreed, and then Sam looked back at you. You knew that he could tell by looking into your eyes that there was more to this past year than you and Dean were letting on, “I was with them for a year… Lisa and Ben.”

You were just as surprised as Sam to hear Dean say it.

“A year?” Sam pressed, “Then what?”

Dean nodded. “Didn’t work out.” He leaned forward and turned the music up even louder than it already was, and drove on.

Sam turned a bit a reached up to touch your arm comfortingly. It was a soft touch, one that would’ve never been made when he was without his soul. There was a certain awkwardness in the air between Sam and Dean, but Sam seemed to use your presence to help it fade away.

–

Research. The only thing that you absolutely loathed about hunting was research. But with a book in hand while you sat in Sam’s lap while he typed away on his laptop, it was much more enjoyable. Surprisingly, the two of you were getting further than you thought you would, given the position you were in.

You were after a dragon, of all damn things you could be after, and Dean had gone off to retrieve the weapon needed to kill it. So, some unexpected alone time with Sam was happening.

However, since you’d arrived at the motel, Sam had seemed to be feeling a bit off. You didn’t like lying to him, or keeping anything a secret. But your concerns were the same as Dean’s. If Sam knew too much about the last year and a half, he might also remember being in hell, and you were not going to lose him.

You’d lost him too many times already. Even if the first few weren’t by death.

“Sammy,” you said, closing the book you were reading and setting it down. You decided the lighting in this cheap motel room was kind of mood setting if you closed on eye and tilted your head.

“Hmm?” he asked, looking up at you, his hands pulling away from his laptop and settling on your sides as you adjusted yourself to straddle him.

“Break?” you asked in the most flirtatious voice you had, while rolling your hips into his.

Sam sighed into you as leaned down to kiss him. You wrapped your arms around him and enjoyed every bit of him that you could, only, you could tell he wasn’t into it.

“What’s wrong?” you asked.

Sam looked down to avoid eye contact with you, “Nothing, it’s just… it feels like something’s missing.”

“Like?”  
  
“I don’t know,” he answered.

You took in a deep breath and got up. He obviously wasn’t feeling the greatest, and you were going to try and help him feel better. “You remember how we met?” you asked him as you walked over and sat down on the bed.

Sam laughed, and he turned around slightly in his chair. “The rabbit’s foot.”

You made eye contact with him and grinned. “The damn rabbit’s foot.”

“My first impression of you was how cute you looked, all hopeless after you’d lost the damn thing.” you said.

The two of you laughed together, remembering how much simpler things were back then, even when they weren’t simple at all. It was funny, how all of those demons that had escaped from the gates of hells seemed so miniscule now.

“You should’ve told me that,” he said.

“I couldn’t have,” you began as the laughter died down, “Not with that deal Dean had made… and then, well… Ruby.”

The weight in the room was heavy, and your stomach decided to do the talking then. That’s when you realized you hadn’t eaten in hours. “I’m gonna go pick up some food.”

“Want me to come with?” Sam offered.

You just shook your head before leaning down to kiss him on your way out of the room. “Call me if you need anything.”

“ _You_  call  _me_  if you need anything,” he said, smiling at you.

He was trying. He was really, really trying.

“Love you.” You smiled at him as you closed the door on the way out.

–

Paper bags of food in hand, along with a drink carrier, you walked up to the motel room you were staying in and unlocked it. It was a bit of a struggle, and you thought Sam might get up to help you, but he didn’t.

“Sam, hands are full here!” you said as you pulled on the knob and pushed the door open with your hips.

As you stepped in, you realized right away that it was no longer just you and Sam. Cas stood in the center of the room and spun around upon you entering. “Hey Cas.”

You’d definitely just walked in on something. Sam and Cas both looked at you, neither of them smiling… Not that Cas smiled much to begin with. It was still awkward, like you’d walked in on them kissing or something.

“Whatcha guys talkin’ about?” you asked nervously.

“You didn’t tell Sam about the miscarriage?” Cas asked, looking directly at you as he spoke. Your heart dropped the second he said it, and you were certain now that Cas had told Sam everything. The look on Sam’s face was cold. He sat in the chair at the table, avoiding eye contact with you.

For the first time since Sam had been unconscious, you felt as if you were about to cry. “Well, I… I um…”

“Y/N, why would you leave that out?” Cas questioned you.

“I was going to say something…” you looked down at the floor as you stepped forward and set the food and drinks down.

“You should still be resting, not hunting.”

“But you healed me, Cas.” You walked over and sat down on the edge of the bed and waited for him to leave. Could he have any worse timing?

“Right, well, I’ll go,” Cas said, his tone of voice very obviously showing that he was annoyed. In the next instant, he was gone.

For the next several minutes, there was just silence. Neither you or Sam knew what to say; neither of you could look at each other. You felt  _awful_. Of course you’d planned on telling him. You knew there was no way that it could be kept a secret.

As you looked at the floor with tears in your eyes, you noticed Sam get up out of his seat and walk over to you. Your face remained expressionless as he knelt down in front of you. Sam reached out, and placed his hands on yours, which you’d had sitting in your lap.

“Y/N, I am  _so, so_  sorry.” You were finally able to look at him, and the first thing you saw were the tears streaming down his face.

“It wasn’t you,” was all you said as your own tears spilled over.

“It was me… a version of me,” he began, “I… I remember doing it.”

You looked away from him, and down at your lap. Sam’s hands moved from holding yours, to reaching out for your lower abdomen before he spoke. “A baby?”

Grabbing his hands and pulling them away from you, you stood up and walked over to the table and sat down in a chair while reaching for one of the bags of food. “There was never going to be a baby. There’s no happy ending in this line of work.”

You didn’t see what your tone of voice did to Sam. He wanted to reach out to you, to comfort you. He couldn’t even imagine what you must be going through right now.

But the only thing you could think about was the fact that you didn’t want to be going through this right now. These were emotions you didn’t want.

“How can you even look at me?” Sam asked.

You started unwrapping one of the burgers out of the bag and took a deep breath before you said anything again. “You’re not… You’re not that monster.”

Sam sat down on the floor next to the bed and just looked ahead, staring into space and letting the silence speak for itself.

–

The next several days were a bit of a blur. There was no way to get Sam believe that he wasn’t responsible for what’d he’d done without his soul.

He was much more torn up about the miscarriage than you were. You were almost at a point where you were over it, but Sam felt like nothing more than a killer. There was no telling what was going on between the two of you, and things between Sam and Dean were tense as well.

Everyone was worried about Sam. Every time he remembered something from the time that he had no soul, he seemed a little bit more off.

But it wasn’t until the three of your were squatting at an old abandoned house in Rhode Island that things started to get  _really_  serious. You’d walked back into the house from putting something in the car to see Dean kneeling next to Sam, who was on the ground, unconscious.

“Dean?” you said. “What happened?”

“I-I don’t know he, he just-” Dean cut himself off; obvious panic in his voice.

Dean would not remove his hands from his brother as he knelt over him, shaking him and trying to get him to wake up. You knelt down on the other side of him as well, unable to speak.

“Sammy!” Dean shouted after checking his brother for a pulse. He didn’t say if there was one or not, but Sam wasn’t breathing, and you could only begin to assume the absolute worst.

It wasn’t until Dean started to cry that you began to freak out. You brought your hand up to cover your mouth, and one of your hands landed on Dean, who was just  _begging_  Sam to wake up.

You couldn’t lose Sam, not again. You’d lost him twice already since you’d known him and you weren’t going to do it again, you couldn’t do it again.

“D-Dean,” you stuttered, “W-why won’t h-he wake up?”

You felt like a child, asking that. But you didn’t care. You needed the reason to be something like maybe he just went for too long without eating, or hell, you’d rather there be a demon that had snuck up and attacked him from behind.

“He’ll wake up,” he said, looking up at you for only a second and then back down at Sam. “Come on dammit.”

It was almost as if Sam heard Dean, because that’s when Sam’s eyes fluttered open, and he took in a deep breath. Your shoulders slumped as you relaxed slightly but Dean didn’t look any less panicked than he had before.

“Hey, hey, hey, you with us?” Dean asked as he let Sam come to.

Sam nodded, and he looked over at you as Dean pulled him to sit up. You leaned forward to kiss him briefly- and how could you not? It could very well be the last time.

“Come on, we need to get him the hell outta here,” Dean said, and  the three of you quickly rose to your feet and grabbed the rest of your shit so that you could get the hell out of town.

Now there was one thought that hung heavy in the back of your mind. What if that wall Death put up came crashing down?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is greatly appreciated!


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You, Sam, and Dean are thrown into an alternate reality where your lives area tv show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first part of The French Mistake! This part follows the episode pretty closely but it will go off on its own more for the next part! I just had to get everything set up. <3

If you were to say that Sam was just having a hard time, it’d be an understatement. The next few weeks were a mash up of mixed signals, tears, and heartache. Some nights, you couldn’t keep Sam’s hands off of you, not that you wanted to. Other nights, he wouldn’t come near you, because he still felt like a monster for what he had done.

No matter how much you tried to tell him that he was already forgiven, he wouldn’t accept it. It hurt you, to see that weighing on him. The pain in his hazel eyes when he would look over at you from across the room, or even as he laid over you in bed. It was something you hated seeing, and you wanted more than anything to fix this, at times even going as far as wondering if Cas would erase his memory.  

The last few days had been mostly calm between the two of you, as there wasn’t so much tension. There had been a moment the other day where there had finally seemed to be at least a small breakthrough.

_You had lit six candles that you’d picked up around Bobby’s house. You didn’t know it then, but it was the first stormy night of several. After a long day, you and Sam were lying in bed next to each other. It was just minutes after releasing quite a bit of pent up tension. You were propped up against the headboard, with pillows behind you, listening to the rain hit the glass window while Sam’s head rested against you._

_His arm was wrapped around your abdomen and your hand gently twirled his brown locks between your fingers. One of the few times that Sam was able to find solace these days was listening to your heartbeat. This was one of those few times, but when he absentmindedly moved his hand over to the lower half of your stomach, he tensed up._

_“It’s okay.” you said, leaning down and placing a kiss on the top of Sam’s head._

_“It’s not, Y/N,” he began, but you more or less shushed him._

_“This is no life for a child, Sam.” you replied with a stern, yet soft voice. “It’s less painful this way.”_

_Sam didn’t say anything else as both of you just stared off into the distance, watching the low flickering light that the candles created. You felt him relax as your words sunk in, maybe you’d finally broken through to him._

_You only hoped that he didn’t look up at you to see the tears silently stream down your face as you choked back sobs. Your pain didn’t matter, you only wanted Sam to be happy again. If Sam could be happy, so could you._

It was another stormy night and there was no way you’d be any use at helping with research. Well, that had been your excuse as you sat at the window and watched the rain come down. The thunder was loud, research on all this Purgatory crap was slow, and Bobby’s house was out of booze. He’d went out, despite the raging thunderstorm, and you were pulled from your thoughts as a flutter of wings sounded.

You turned around to see Balthazar standing in the doorway of the kitchen, and Sam and Dean were looking just about as confused as you were.

“Hello boys, Y/N.” He said.

Balthazar rushed forward, over to the desk that Dean was sitting at, asking if you all had seen The Godfather.

“Balthazar..” you said as you stepped forward and stood next to Sam, who then took your hand in his.

He ignored you, and started going on about what you assumed to be the end of The Godfather. Though, if you were being totally honest, the answer to his original question was no, you hadn’t seen it.

The look that was exchanged between you, Sam, and Dean was a completely clueless one. Why the hell was he here, going on about movies, and going through Bobby’s things?

“Hey!” Dean said as he tried to get Balthazar to tell you what the hell he was doing.

Balthazar picked up a box of table salt, mumbling about Dead Sea brine and began dumping it into a bowl. He continued on about the movie as he poured out the salt, and judging by the look on Dean’s face, Balthazar was about to become acquainted with Dean’s fist.

“I said hey,” Dean was finally able to get Balthazar to look up at him as his tone became more aggressive.

“You did. Twice. Good for you.” Balthazar said before leaning forward and patting Dean on the shoulder.

You snorted, almost obnoxiously, earning a glare from the older Winchester. Only responding with a look that said,  _what? That was funny._

And god, you’d never seen someone so excited over blood of the lamb. Balthazar was popping all around Bobby’s house, looking for ingredients for…something.

You and Sam turned around when Balthazar had popped up in front of the refrigerator, “Why are you talking about The Godfather?” Sam asked.

“Because we’re in it,  _right now_ , tonight.” he said, and the three of you turned back around again when Balthazar popped out and then back in again front of the bowl he’d just dumped salt into, “And the role of Michael Corleone: the archangel Raphael.”

“I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about.” you blurted out.

You were only ignored as Balthazar continued to rummage around in Bobby’s desk. Who the hell just pops into someone’s house and does this?

“So-so is Raphael after you?” Dean asked.

“Raphael is after us all,” Balthazar corrected him, “you see, He’s consolidated his strength, and now, he’s on the move.

“Where’s Cas?” Sam asked.

“Oh, Cassie?” Balthazar continued, “He is deep, deep underground. So good old Raphie put out a hit list on every last samaritan that helped our dear Cas. Including the three of you, and so much more importantly, me.”

Balthazar had walked over to the window and began drawing his concoction on the window like it was any given Tuesday.

“You expect us to just believe you?” Sam said as he let go of your hand and the three of you began to step forward. This sounded like a fight, which, you were not in the mood for, and now you were worried about Cas. Which was also something you weren’t in the mood for right now.

“Oh don’t, you’ll go right where I throw you, either way.” Balthazar responded.

“Excuse you?!” you asked.

“Your mother ever teach you manners?” he asked you.

“My mother was torn to shreds by a werewolf when I was three.” you snapped back, “So, no.”

Just as Balthazar was about to respond to your comeback, the lights began to flicker, and things tensed up just a bit more than they already were, “And that, is all the time we have, everyone.”

Everything beyond that point happened so quickly. Dean said something to Balthazar, Balthazar responded, handed Sam a key, and that was it.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” Sam asked.

“Run with it.” Balthazar responded just before he was flung across the room, making you, Sam, and Dean jump back. All you could think was about how much you didn’t want to run.

In the blink of an eye, what you assumed was another angel that Balthazar referred to as Virgil came storming into the room.

Balthazar turned back to the three of you while he could and shouted, “I said run!” and sent the three of you flying through Bobby’s window.

You all scrambled to your feet. Much to your surprise, the landing was softer than expected, and there was…a bunch of people in front of you? And someone had yelled cut?

“Jared, Jensen, Chris! Outstanding! That was just great!” Said an older man from behind a monitor across the room.

Looking around totally confused, your eyes landed on someone who had ran up behind you while yelling, “Supernatural, scene one, “Echo”, take one, tail slate. Marker!”

_What. The. Fuck._

You didn’t plan on visiting an alternate reality today, but then again, you didn’t get a say in almost anything. You flinched when a bell rang; you, Sam, and Dean looked around. The window you’d just came out of looked like Bobby’s house, but it was seemingly just a set.

“So, no angels?” Sam questioned.

“Uh… no angels.” you said after him.

“What do we do?” Dean asked.

“Run?” you suggested. The three of you were ready to take off, though, you didn’t know where you’d go if you did.

“Where to?” Dean answered you.

“And that’s a wrap on Jared, Jensen, and Chris!” you all jumped when you heard a man shout.

“Who the hell are..” Sam began but a woman ran up before he could finish.

“Jared! Three minutes. Okay? Great.” She grabbed his arm and pulled him off, leaving you and Dean standing there, totally clueless.

You and Dean started following him but then Dean was whisked off by someone, and then it was just you.

“Dean. What the hell am I supposed to do?!” You whisper-yelled. He shrugged as he was pulled over to what looked to be a makeup chair.

You spun around, looking. You didn’t know where to go, what to do. This was a nightmare.

“Chris!” someone shouted, a man. A man walked up to you holding a clipboard. So your name was Chris? How odd.

The man had on a headset and wouldn’t glance up at you to make eye contact as he looked at his clipboard. He almost seemed…scared of you?

“Now um, is Misha gonna be alright with your scene tomorrow?” he asked.

“Huh?” was all you could muster up.

“Your scene with Jensen?” he asked carefully, almost like he didn’t want to say it. You needed to catch on and go along with whatever he was talking about, like now.

“Oh uh, yeah, it’s fine.” you said while smiling nervously.

“Great, that’s all.” he said quickly before walking away. That’s when Dean found you.

“They put makeup on me!” he complained.

You just shrugged. You really couldn’t process anything that was happening right now.

Sam finally reappeared from wherever he’d been taken a few minutes ago, “Hey, I think I know what this is.”

“Um, a really bad joke?” you suggested.

“A TV show.” he said. You and Dean looked at each other, and then back at Sam.

“Duh.” you came back with. So, your sarcasm defense mechanism had kicked in.

“For whatever reason, our life is a TV show.” he said. Dean had to be the most annoyed out of the three of you.

You stepped forward and tried to lean against Sam, but he pulled back, “You can’t do that here.”  
“What?” you questioned, “Why?”

“You and I are siblings here.” he said.

“What?! So we’re together on the show while we’re brother and sister in this…fake real life?” you began to panic. What kind of fucked up world was this?

“No, Sam and Y/N aren’t a thing apparently.” he said.

“So why the hell would anyone wanna watch our lives?” Dean asked while you all began walking to try and find a way out of here.

“Well according to that interviewer, apparently not very many people do.” he said.

This was going way over your head, and it was apparently going right over Dean’s head as well.

“I’m not saying it makes sense,” Sam went on, “we landed in some dimension where you’re, Jensen Ackles and Y/N, you and me are something called uh, Jared and Christine Padalecki.”

“Pada-what?” you questioned.

“Padalecki.”

“Uh huh. Hey, that guy said that me and Jensen have a scene tomorrow!” you pointed out.

“A scene?” Dean asked.

“That’s all he said. I had no idea what the hell he was talking about.”

You all walked outside and the first thing Dean recognized was the Impala, “Hey, at least my baby made it.”

You wanted to point out that if this was just a TV show, that car probably wasn’t his, but you didn’t have the heart. Sam looked at you when you both saw some man throwing what looked to be mud all over the windshield.

“Hey!” Dean began to shout, but as you three got closer, more Impalas came into view, and there was no holding back your laughter.

“You shut it!” Dean said to you, but you just kept laughing.

“Y/N, come on.” Sam tried, but you couldn’t help it, the look on Dean’s face was hilarious.

“I think I’m gonna be sick, Dean continued, and when you finally calmed down, the three of you walked on, “I wanna go home. I feel like this whole place is bad-touching me.”

“Yeah, me too,” Sam said, “So what do you guys think? Cas?”

“It’s our best shot if he’s still alive.” Dean answered.

“Well shoot him a prayer then, Dean.” you said, still amused from the whole Impala thing.

Dean sighed before closing his eyes, “Dear Castiel, who art, may be running his ass away from heaven… we pray that you have your ears on….so, breaker breaker…”

You were all standing next to some fake wall with a doorway in it that was open, you and Sam looked through the door and made eye contact with Cas. _Thank God_. Dean looked up as well, and Cas was staring at you like you were all a bunch of crazy people.

“Cas!” you shouted in unison with Sam and Dean. He looked surprised to see you all rushing over to him.

“Cas, thank god.” Dean said, “What is all this? What did Balthazar do to us?”

You all formed a circle, ready to figure this shit out.

“To keep you out of Virgil’s reach, he’s cast you to an alternate reality, a universe similar to ours in most respects yet dramatically different in others.” Cas said.

You all stood there puzzled for a minute before Dean spoke up, “Like Bizarro Earth, right? Except instead of having Bizarro Superman, we get this clown factory!”

Okay so, Dean was really fed up.

“Um… Yeah, well… anyway, no time to explain. Do you have the key?” Cas asked.

Sam’s hands went right for his pockets to pull it out, “Yeah, so what does this thing do anyway?”

“It opens a room.” Cas said.

“What’s in the room?” you questioned.  
  
“Every weapon Balthazar stole from heaven.”   
  
“And he gave it to us?” you scoffed.

“To keep it safe, till I could reach you.” Cas answered as he moved slightly closer to you, which was weird. He was annoyed with you the last time you saw him, “With those weapons I have a chance to rally my forces.”

“Oh, okay, good.” Dean nodded.

“So what’s going on with all this TV shit?” you asked  
  
“Pardon?” Cas asked, in a not very Castiel-like voice.

“Yeah amen Padaleski.” Dean said.

“ _Lecki_.” you and Sam both corrected him in unison.

“Man, did they put out new pages?” Cas asked, okay, that time it really wasn’t his voice. He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out papers before stepping to the side and wrapping his arm around your shoulders, and earning a look from Sam.

“What?” you asked, not knowing what pages he was talking about.

But instead of answering you, Cas leaned down and kissed you, right on the lips, right in front of Sam. He kissed you deeply and passionately and he’d captured your lips in a way that made it almost impossible to not kiss him back. But you weren’t trying to.

Alright, so, this wasn’t Castiel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All feedback is greatly appreciated!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Your almost comical stay in an alternate reality continues

As soon as you realized what was happening, you moved your hand up to his chest and pushed him away. When you finally got him off of you, you looked up into his eyes.

“Uh…” you began before looking over at Sam, who was less than thrilled.

“Cas, what the hell?” Sam nearly shouted.

“What kind of joke is this, and what the hell is going on?” Dean asked, and both of the boys were suddenly shooting questions out as you slowly pulled yourself away of this man that clearly was  _not_  Cas.

“Uh, are you guys okay?” he asked, looking around at the three of you.

Dean snatched the paper out of Not-Cas’ hand and looked down at it. “These are words in a script. This isn’t Cas.”

You noticed Not-Cas undoing his tie and unbuttoning his shirt, and Sam noticed you noticing. You only shrugged, while Dean looked at the script some more.

“You guys wanting to run lines or…?” he asked.

“His name’s Misha.” Dean said as he scrunched his face. “Misha?”

Misha. That was what that one guy was asking you about earlier. You almost jumped on Sam when he moved forward almost threateningly, but you realized he was just taking the key back from… Misha.

“Oh, wow, just great,” Sam mumbled.

When Sam and Dean started to walk off, you wondered if you should go with them or if you were supposed to play along.

“Dammit…” you mumbled.

“Babe. You okay?” Misha asked you.  _Babe… wow._

“Uhhh, fine.” You smiled. Sam and Dean were looking back at you. “Uhh, I’ve got something I’ve gotta take care of…” you trailed off.

Misha smiled at you, and before he walked away he leaned down to kiss you. You cringed, not because it was bad, but because it wasn’t, and this whole situation was just… weird.

“Love you, see you at home!” he called after you as you caught up to Sam and Dean.

“Yeah, you too,” you said awkwardly.

“Sam…” you said, while the three of you ignored whatever else Misha was saying behind you all.

“So I’m guessing in this world you live with him?” he asked.

“He said he’d see me at home.” You shrugged as you all walked on.

“Yeah. I heard,” Sam said, his voice full of what you might say was jealousy.

“Are you…  _jealous_?” you asked him.

“No… I just didn’t expect him to just… do  _that._ ” he said.

“Yeah. You’re jealous,” you responded.

“Guys, bigger fish to fry here,” Dean spoke up. “I wanna dig my fingers in my brain and scratch it til we’re back in Kansas.”

“You and me both,” you said.

-

You’d made yourself at home, or, as at home as you could make yourself in fake-Dean’s trailer. Sam typed away on the laptop, trying to find out more about this world.

In this world, your name was Christine Padalecki, Chris for short. It was comical that you were apparently related to Sam here, or, rather, Jared. You were also dating your co-star Misha, and the character you played on Supernatural, Y/N, had ‘on screen tension with Dean’. You were also reportedly one of the biggest bitches in the industry.

“So, that’s what that dude meant earlier!” You laughed as it all finally clicked.

“What dude?” Dean asked as he continued to check out all of the stuff in the trailer.

“This guy came up to me,” you began, “When you both got pulled away, and asked if Misha was gonna be okay with my scene with Jensen tomorrow,” you rambled on nervously.

Sam and Dean exchanged glances, and then looked at you, “I don’t like the sound of that…” Sam said.

“What do you think  _that_  means?” Dean asked you.

“I don’t know, Dean,” you said before taking a deep breath and lying back. This was exhausting.

-

After a failed attempt to use what were just props in this world to get back home, the three of you tried to leave, only to fail. The Impala wasn’t Dean’s here, and apparently it was weird that you were spending so much time with them.

Your phone that you’d picked up in your trailer along the way kept ringing, and you kept not looking at it. By the time you were all in the van that supposedly gave you guys a ride home everyday, you started being questioned as to what you were doing.

“You goin’ home, Chris?” the driver asked. You ignored him, forgetting that what your name here.

Sam bumped smacked you with his elbow and you looked up at him first and whispered, “I think you live with fake Cas, remember?”

“Ya think?” Dean asked as he held up your phone which had fallen out onto the seat. The screen was filled with missed calls and texts from Misha.

“Maybe I should…” you trailed off.

“Are you serious?” Sam retorted.

You only shrugged and gave him a look that said  _well what the fuck am I supposed to do?!_

“Fine. Go,” Sam finally agreed, “I guess we’ll call you when we figure stuff out.”

“It’s probably good she keeps him busy anyway,” Dean added, making you laugh.

“You  _would_  make that joke,” Sam snapped back before looking at you, “Just… don’t sleep with him, okay?”

Wishing you could kiss him right now, but remembering you were siblings, all you could do was more or less pat him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry.”

If looks could kill, the one on Sam’s face would’ve killed every single one of you just now.

“Yeah, Clint, I’m goin’ home,” you said.

“Cliff,” he corrected you.

“Right, yep, that’s what I said,” you corrected yourself.

Getting back home was everyone’s number one priority. However, you, Sam, and Dean were unsure of how to do that once you all realized that you were in Canada. This world was all kinds of messed up.

You didn’t miss the glare from Sam as you were dropped of at was apparently you and Misha’s shared house. Walking up to the door, you knocked softly, realizing you had no way to get in.

The door swung open a few seconds later and you were met with a familiar face that should belong to Cas.

“Hey baby,” he said as he leaned in to press a kiss to your lips. You turned your head at the last second, letting him only kiss your cheek.

“Uh hey, I uh, forgot my key,” you answered as he moved to the side to let you in.

The house was surprisingly small in your opinion, but then again, you didn’t know what to expect in the first place.

“You alright today?” Misha asked you, feeling his hand gently rest on the small of your back as you stood in the livingroom.

“Uh, yeah,” you said, looking around.

“Want some dinner?” he offered, and now that you thought about it, you were pretty hungry. You hadn’t eaten since… Well you didn’t know since it was night time when you’d been tossed into this world.

“That’d be great,” you said.

Misha left your side and walked into the other room, and once you were alone, you felt a strange sense of calm. Of all the things that had happened in this reality, none of them were supernatural. There were, to your knowledge, no monsters, no dick bag angels, no demons… nothing.

You walked over to the couch and sat down. It was a cute living room, the walls were filled with family photos and paintings, and there was a fireplace with a small fire going. The tv was off, and the overall atmosphere was relaxing. Deciding this place was safe enough for now, you kicked your shoes off and took a moment to take everything in.

“I picked up Chinese on the way home, I hope that’s alright, but you weren’t answering your phone.” Misha said as he walked back into the living room. He kissed you on your forehead as he sat down next to you and handed you a plate of heated leftovers.

“No, it’s perfect,” you said, your voice much quieter than you intended it to be. You were slightly nervous but Misha was really nice.

“I’m glad you and your brother are getting along more,” he mentioned as he got back up like he’d forgotten something and walked into the other room. You wondered what it was that Chris and Jared had against each other in this world.

You just offered a noise of agreement as you started to eat. Speaking of him, you went for your pocket, where your phone was, only to find that you didn’t have it. Dean never gave it back.  _Dammit_.

Misha returned a minute later with a couple of beers, and handed you one. You smiled at him, and continued to work on your food while trying to make sense of what you were feeling.   

“So I wanted to ask you something…” Misha began, and your first thought was oh no, but you went with it anyway.

“Yeah?” you responded before deciding to set your plate down.

“I know you’ve been stressed lately, and I know we’ve been busy with work with the season being almost over,” Misha rambled, but you just stayed quiet, because when you tried to speak up, you almost called him Cas, “But I just wanted to make sure you wanted to keep trying?”

You sat your beer down and looked over at Misha, confused. “Trying?”

“For a baby,” he clarified.

It was as if you’d been punched in the gut. This place was a joke. You let out a laugh, and from Misha’s point of view, that was probably a good thing. But really, you just felt like you were about to cry.

“Of course,” you said at the last second. You had to play along. There was no way you had the heart to screw up this world and this man’s life. If fake you and fake-Cas wanted a baby, you should only play along.

“Good. I’ve just been worried about you, ya know?” he asked.

You nodded in response, and allowed him to lean in and kiss you, on the lips this time. Of course you no had intentions of taking it any further, but the more that you sat here in this house, the more you thought about the fact that this life might be better. His lips were soft, yet chapped, and they felt different than you would expect them to. Your heart skipped a beat, which was something else you didn’t expect, and for a moment, you allowed Misha to comfort you.

Pulling away from Misha, you said, “I’m tired, think we could just… chill out for tonight?”

Misha reached up to brush the hair out of your face with his hand as he nodded. You kept having to remind yourself that this wasn’t Cas, even though his voice was different, and his clothes were different. The familiarity affected you in a way that you didn’t understand.

The rest of the night was simple, and relaxing. You and Misha made small talk, or as much as you could without giving away that you weren’t his beloved Christine. You mind would drift more often than not to Sam and Dean, wondering what they were doing, and wondering if they’d figured out a way to get you all home yet.

You were quite honestly surprised they allowed you to go off on your own in this world, but then again, you weren’t a child.

Maybe you shouldn’t have let Misha kiss you earlier, but also, you and Sam were in a weird space right now. You hadn’t told each other that you’d loved each other since…… before he found out about the miscarriage? Sometimes you acted like a couple…… but other times you didn’t.

You would obviously tell him, how could you not? Considering you now also had to tell him that you’d fallen asleep on the couch with him, with your head resting on his chest with his arms wrapped around you.

—-

It took you quite a while to figure out where you were when you woke up. But when you opened your eyes, it clicked. You were lying on the couch in fake-Cas’ living room, alone.

As you sat up, you heard a horn honking outside, and slipped your shoes on before seeing the van that dropped you off yesterday.  _At least we’re closer to getting out of here,_  you thought. Or at least you hoped.

—-

Turns out you were pretty good at acting. Sam and Dean on the other hand… were not. You were reminded damn near upon your arrival on set that ‘Chris and Jensen had a kissing scene today’. Problem was, Dean was so bad at acting that you never even got close to that kissing scene.

After a couple of hours of failed attempts to film, it was time for a break. A bell was sounded and you, Sam, and Dean were going to get back to working that spell they’d bought the ingredients for last night.

They had given you the whole story, about how Sam married fake-Ruby. You cringed at the thought; you and Ruby had never got along, for obvious reasons of course. One of them being that she’d almost stabbed you once.

One of the first things you told Sam was that you kissed Misha, and kinda sorta slept on him last night. He shrugged it off and said that he had to sleep with Ruby. Well, he didn’t have to. But it was easier than making up a fake reason as to why he couldn’t.

What you didn’t expect was when the area of set that looked like Bobby’s living room cleared, and it was only you, Sam, and Dean again, Misha walked up to you.

You’d had your attention turned to Sam, who was talking about what needed to be done to get the three of you out of there. Or what he was pretty sure needed done. So when you turned around to see the lights dimming and to see Misha down on one knee, well, shocked would’ve been an understatement.

Misha cleared his throat and reached out for your hand, which you reluctantly let him take. You nervously glanced back at Sam, who was now standing there with his arms crossed, interested in where this was going. Dean was already almost in tears from laughing.

“Christine Anne Padalecki,” Misha began, bringing your attention back to him, “At the beginning of season four, when we met, I never in a million years imagined that today we would be here.” He took a deep breath before continuing, “Living together in our own home, talking about starting a family of our own, it’s, god, it’s… It’s everything I could’ve hoped for. And more.”

Your heart was pounding in your chest, and there were tears stinging your eyes. Even if this wasn’t meant for you, it sure felt like it could’ve been. Hell, he thought this was for you. Your hands began shaking and you hoped with everything you had that Sam and Dean couldn’t tell what was going on.

Misha went on, “My point is, I want to spend the rest of my days with you, and I know you feel same. Especially after our talk last night.” This was the part that was going to be hard, you could already feel it. “So, Chris, I was wondering if you would do me the honor of being my wife?”

_Shit_.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally after several obstacles, you, Sam, and Dean get out of this alternate universe.

You opened your mouth, but no words came out. Glancing back at Sam and Dean, you hoped they could offer you some guidance. But what were they going to do? Answer the man for you?

Taking a deep breath, you turned around and made eye contact with this man that looked exactly like your friend, who was smiling up at you with tears of utter joys in his eyes.

“Uh, yes?” you said, and everyone on set including Sam and Dean - those fuckers - began to clap.

Misha jumped you, rushing forward to slip the ring on your finger as he wrapped his arms around you tightly. Picking you up to spin you around, he said with gleaming eyes, “I knew you’d say yes. I love you.”

You only smiled as he leaned in and kissed you, and because of the suit and trench coat it was way too close to kissing the real Cas. Pulling away and wiggling from his grasp, you looked around and walked away. You needed to be alone for a minute after that.

All but running down a hallway after finding your way past the crew, your heart thumped loudly in your ears. This was too much. It was all too much.

Finding a small storage closet, you sat down on the floor, leaning against some prop paintings that you’d seen in a motel room before. This was still all so bizarre. Pulling your knees to your chest and resting your head on your knees, you finally just… broke.

You cried, for the first time in weeks. You cried because of everything you’d been through with Sam over the last year and a half. You cried for the baby you lost, blaming yourself for ever being stupid enough to let yourself get pregnant in the first place. All these weeks that you’d spent being strong… it was all you had in you. You couldn’t be strong anymore, and you didn’t want to be.

The door cracked open and you looked up to see Sam, who didn’t seem pleased to see that you were having a panic attack on the floor. He entered the room and closed the door behind him before taking a seat next to you. He didn’t bother looking for a light to turn on, knowing how much the dark helped when you were upset.

“Wanna talk about it?” he asked.

You rested your head on his shoulder as you sniffed, trying to muster up any words at all. But you couldn’t, so you ignored him.

“I love you,” Sam told you.

“L-love you too,” you choked out.

Sam reached over and rubbed your arm comfortingly, allowing you to let it all out. A moment later, he wrapped his arm around you and pulled you into his chest until you calmed down. He kissed the top of your head and ran his fingers through your hair. This time, he was strong for you.

“This Chris girl, the fake me,” you sniffed, “her and Misha have been trying for a baby, and he wanted to talk about it last night.”

Sam only listened while you spoke. “There’s no monsters here, Sam.” Your lip quivered as you continued on, “We could have a baby here.”

“Is that what you really want?” he asked.

You really thought about it for a moment. Did you want to stay here and sneak off with Sam? What would everyone back home do? And Dean? The only other world you knew would go to shit without the three of you.

“No,” you answered, a waver in your voice; not entirely sure.

Sam didn’t say anything else, and he didn’t need to. But you looked up at him, totally unable to see any of his features, not that you really cared given your current state. He felt you shift, and simply met your lips with his.

It felt like it had been too long since you’d last kissed him; since he’d last held you. Before too long, you were unable to hold yourself back, and you were sitting up so that you could straddle his lap.

Sam held onto your waist as your hips slowly grinded against him, helping his cock harden. It didn’t take long, and before you knew it, Sam’s hands were sliding up your shirt. He slipped his fingers under the underwire of your bra to grope your breasts as your hands slowly fidgeted with his belt buckle.

As Sam rolled your nipples between his fingers, you felt yourself become incredibly wet for him. Suddenly, you were desperate, “Fuck me, Sam,” you breathed. “ _Please_.”

You both shifted for a moment to undo your pants, you kicked a shoe off to be able to get one pants leg off while Sam already had his jeans down enough for his cock to spring free. Seconds later, you were straddling him again, up on your knees while he guided himself to your entrance.

Keeping your voices down as you slowly sunk down onto his length was a challenge, but you managed. Sam stretched your walls and filled you to the brim, and as you sunk all the way down, you leaned into kiss him.

His tongue rolled against yours in the most pleasurable way, and you both just sat there for a moment as you waited for yourself to adjust to his size.

“Move, Y/N.” Sam breathed when you moved down to kiss his neck, and so you did.

You moved your hips up and down on Sam’s cock, your head falling back as you held onto him, and as he held onto you. He was incredibly hard, and you could tell that he needed you, and you needed him as well.

Your breaths were shaky, as were Sam’s, as you swiveled your hips. Your pussy warmed his cock with every move you made, bringing him and yourself closer and closer to a release that you so desperately needed right now.

Sitting back, you brought a hand down to rub your clit with your fingers as Sam thrusted his hips up, pushing his cock deeper inside of you as you both neared orgasm.

“Yeah, Sam…  _fuck baby_ ,” you moaned quietly, panting as your walls began to flutter around his cock. A wave of electricity washed over you as you came; as you struggled to ride him through your own pleasure. Your body tensed as Sam pulled you in for a kiss as you came, and threaded his fingers into your hair, pulling slightly as he struggled to stay quiet himself.

He groaned just as his cock twitched inside of you, filling you up with his cum as you both finally slowed to a stop.

“We probably shouldn’t have done that here,” you laughed.

“You’re probably right,” Sam said before pulling you in for another kiss. Your heart still skipped a beat when he kissed you. Never in your life had you been kissed with so much passion.

For a moment, even in a dark closet that smelled of dust and probably had spiders crawling around somewhere in the corner, things felt… normal. But then you realized you should probably get up and get back to what was supposed to be your work, and stood up to put your clothes back on.

“Sam,” you began, and if you could look him in the eye right now, you would, “When we get out of this universe, I’m never letting you go.”

“Good,” he said.

When you were both finished doing what you could in the dark room, you opened the closet door, looking both ways before you made your way out. It was time for you to try that damned spell, and try to get home.

Back on set, Dean was rolling his eyes as far back as they could go while looking at the script. There was no way you were all going to get through this day.

“Finally,” Dean said as you and Sam walked by. You firmly ignored Misha as he sat in his chair, probably tweeting about your new engagement. He seemed to do a lot of that.

“Let’s just… get the hell out of here,” you said quietly as the three of you made your way over to work the spell that Balthazar used to send you here. Or try to.

-

When you were all back on set, in what you wished was actually Bobby’s house, and not just a set, almost everyone had cleared out of the room for the moment. You and Sam watched Dean while he got everything ready, and then drew the sigil on the window.

“That’s it?” you asked.

“That’s it Toto,” Dean replied.

You and Sam stepped forward and Dean stepped back a bit as you all looked at each other. Jumping through a window was never fun, so you took a deep breath and the three of you just went for it.

The sound of glass breaking and crashing filled the set and the three of you were grunting and groaning when you hit the floor.

“Okay that one hurt,” Dean said as he rolled over.

“I don’t think it worked,” you whined as you kicked your feet on the floor before attempting to get up.

-

“We’re never gonna get outta here,” you said, your voice showing that you were very much on the verge of tears. You were just… so frustrated.

“Maybe we did it wrong,” Sam said as the three of you stepped into Jensen Ackles’ trailer.

You sat down on the couch and Sam sat down next to you.

“No, no, that spell was perfect. It should’ve worked,” Dean said.

Leaning into Sam, he wrapped his arm around you. “What if it can’t work?” he began. “Look, you guys, I was up all night looking online. There’s no sign that anything like the apocalypse happened here. Ever.”

There was this feeling you got sometimes. It was almost like your head was sealed off from the rest of the world. Everything sounded muffled and you just lost the ability to pay attention. That’s what had happened while Sam and Dean went on about trying to get out of this world. There had to be a way. You couldn’t just be stuck here. Even if you were thinking about what it would be like to stay earlier… the other world needs you, and Sam, and Dean.

It was just nice to think about the life that you  _could_  have.

-

You struggled to remember the name of the angel who was the actual reason you were in this universe right now. But then again, getting clocked in the face didn’t do any favors for your memory. But here you were, confronting this damned…  _Virgil_. That was his name. He didn’t seem to have any angel powers here, so that worked out in your favor. However, he could still hit hard as hell.

After you stumbled back from Virgil’s blow, Sam managed to get both of his arms behind his back while Dean just took out every bit of anger he seemed to ever have on him. The room spun while you steadied yourself on your feet, and before you had the chance, crew members were rushing up to all of you, pinning you back while Virgil escaped.

So that wasn’t good, and now the question  _‘how the hell did he get here?’_  hung heavy in the air.

“Y/N,” Sam said once everyone cleared the area, rushing over to you, but you waved him off.

“I’m fine,” you assured him as he placed his hand on your back, despite you just waving him off.

“Yeah, you gotta nice new shiner though,” Dean pointed out while the three of you walked away.

You rolled your eyes. You could feel the bruise forming on the side of your face, but you didn’t have time to pay attention to it. It wasn’t the first time and it wouldn’t be the last time. You wanted to scream. Not from pain, but again, the overwhelming frustration that seemed to be clouding your mind ever since fake-Cas got down on one knee. How you were able to avoid him, you didn’t know, but you weren’t sure you’d be able to keep it up for much longer.

As if on queue, your phone began ringing. Well, fake-you’s phone. It was Misha, as you suspected, but you just silenced it and moved on.

“Well, Virgil broke through, maybe he’s got a way to get back,” Dean said while the three of you rounded the corner into the next set.

“Or he has no juice here, and now he’s stuck, like us,” Sam snapped back as you all stopped.

“Yeah, either way I wanna finish kicking his ass.” Dean added, “No one gets to hit Y/N like that and walk away.”

“Dean,” you said, but he only turned to continue walking, you only rolled your eyes as you and Sam followed him.

Rounding back into the part of set that was identical to Bobby’s, the three of you were met with… the producer? Director? You hadn’t been paying attention.  He sat at the desk and asked if the three of you had a minute.

Sam and Dean did what they could to make an excuse, but the man talked over them. He seemed to be stuck on the fact that you all ‘tried to kill an extra’.

There was no explanation for the look on your face when the man asked if this was all because of money.

“More money? You already pay the assholes enough as it is,” Dean said.

“I’d like to think that over these years, we’ve grown closer.” The man went on, “That you don’t think of me as Director Bob… or Executive Producer Bob Singer… But as, Uncle Bob.”

You, Sam, and Dean all exchanged confused looks before you spoke up, “Wait, the character in the show, Bobby Singer…”

“What kind of douchebag names a character after himself?” Dean butted in, you all tuning Bob out again.

“I don’t think Virgil would’ve shagged out of here without getting his mitts on that key.” Dean added. If you were being quite honest, you’d forgotten about the key.

“Yeah, I agree,” Sam replied.

You wandered off into the next room as Bob walked up to Sam and Dean to drone on about drugs again. Why did everyone assume it was drugs? Had no one actually considered the possibility that you were just from an alternate universe?

Either way, you needed to find that key so that you could get the hell out of there. You noted that your phone had stopped ringing as well, which you had a funny feeling about.

“So, key’s gone,” Sam said when he finally caught up to you. Dean was soon to follow.

“Virgil?” you suggested. Of course it was, who else would it have been? Hopefully not Misha…

“I think so,” Sam answered.

“So now what?” you asked.

Sam and Dean looked at each other before Sam answered, “Back to, uh… Jared’s house I guess.”

-

“Maybe we could get into the police dispatch system,” Sam suggested.

“APB on Virgil?” you said.

“Yeah, might work if he stays obvious,” Dean added.

Just as the three of you made your way into fake-Sam’s house, which you couldn’t help but notice was absolutely huge, sounds of a crying woman filled the room. Shock couldn’t even begin to describe how you felt when you saw Ruby rushing out into the hallway, but then you remembered it wasn’t really Ruby.

“Oh my god! Oh my god!” she cried, and you hoped the look on your face wasn’t a bitchy one.

“What?” Sam said.

“Misha! He’s been stabbed to death!” she managed through her hysterics. This didn’t settle well with you. You’d just accepted the man’s proposal, even though it wasn’t really for you. How would the fake you feel when… or if things went back to normal?

“Where?” Sam and Dean asked together, and fake-Ruby looked at you all like you were actually insane. But the only explanation for Misha being stabbed was Virgil.

-

Misha had, in fact, been stabbed to death. Well, his throat had been slit, and seeing him lay there in a dark alley under a sheet was not what you had planned. Alternate universe or not, someone died. Someone that you had some odd connection too.

Virgil did kill him. But the good news was that you now knew where he would be, and when. You also knew that this was possibly a way to get back home. Dean had paid off some homeless man that witnessed it all.

You wondered what the purpose of Virgil showing up and shooting everyone was the next day on set. So what if he was supposed to be there to meet Raphael? Like, why didn’t he just show up with the key when he was supposed to? Everyone thought he was an extra, he would’ve gotten past everyone just fine. Right?

These were the thoughts that flashed through your mind as you stood twenty feet in front of him, his gun aimed at you. Sam and Dean jumped into action only a split second too late, resulting in you taking a bullet to your thigh.

Sam had carried you into the fake motel room where Dean was taking on Virgil so they could get the key back. Everything around you moved so quickly as you desperately tried to apply pressure to your own wound. You groaned as the room began spinning, the blood loss was getting to you quickly.

“Guys!” you shouted from the ground as the sigil that brought you into this reality appeared on the window.

Sam and Dean looked up at the window, and before they had the chance to run or grab you, you were all sucked out. Surprisingly, yet, not surprisingly at all, you landed in a parking lot, almost hard enough to knock you out as you tried to keep your leg covered.

“Y/N?  _Y/N_!” Sam shouted as he moved over to you.

“I-I’m ‘kay,” you mumbled as black spots clouded your vision. The overwhelming need to vomit took over, but nothing came up.

“You three have the strangest luck,” a woman in suit said, walking up to you.

“Raphael?” Dean asked as he stood up. “Nice meat suit… Dude looks like a lady.”  
  
Dean regretted saying that just as quickly as the words left his mouth, because with a swift hand movement, Sam and Dean’s insides, as well as yours, felt like they were being twisted.

It stopped once Raphael had the key, and when Balthazar showed up. He explained that he sent you and the boys off into that alternate world as a distraction; that the key wasn’t even important. Cool. So you were just… bleeding out for nothing.

“C-can s-someone..” you started to say, but you were fading into unconsciousness.

“Dean, we need to get her out of here,” Sam said as he picked you up. You cried out in pain, with what you had left of your voice.

“You’ve made your last mistake,” Raphael said as he stepped towards Balthazar, who was just as cocky as ever in his own response.

“I’ve got a few more up my sleeve, honey.”

Your head fell against Sam’s chest and a second later you heard a familiar voice, “Step away from him, Raphael. I have the weapons now. Their power is with me.” You looked to the side to see Castiel, and you flinched when he flashed a projection of his wings, but all you could think about was the hot flashes you were having as more and more blood left your body. “If you don’t want to die tonight… back off,” he commanded.

Raphael vanished, and before Balthazar got his two cents in, Dean was yelling.

“Hey Cas, you think you could give us a hand here?” he said as he motioned to you lying limp now in Sam’s arms. You were conscious, but barely.

Sam rushed over to Cas, and maneuvered around so that he could place his hand over your wound. Seconds later, you were fine. Finally.

Sam looked down at you as he still held you in his arms bridal style and you looked up at him.

“If you don’t kiss me like we’re in a movie right now I’m gonna kick you in the head,” you said.

Cas gave you a look and turned away to say something to Balthazar, and Dean probably rolled his eyes. It was funny how you could almost hear that action. Either way, Sam leaned down and you wrapped your arms around his neck as he crashed his lips into yours. It felt like forever since you’d been allowed to touch each other, and right now, you honestly couldn’t care less about this entire situation.

Sam’s tongue danced along your bottom lip, causing your heart rate to speed as you let him in. You wanted to taste him more, but when your eyes opened for a moment, you realized you were back at Bobby’s.

Pulling away from Sam, you looked around and smiled. “Uh, sorry.”

“Yeah, yeah, could you just wait until you get to a bedroom next time?” Dean asked.

You shrugged as Sam sat you down, and that’s when you started to get up to speed.

“Okay, what the hell Cas?” you asked.

It was still storming like hell outside, and you wondered if you had actually been gone a few days or not.

“You were in on this?” Sam added.

“It was Balthazar’s plan,” Cas said after turning away. You were reminded yet again of how strange the angel had been acting lately. “I would’ve done the same thing.”

“That’s not comforting, Cas,” Dean said.

Castiel turned back to face the three of you. “When will I be able to make you understand?”

Your brows furrowed; what the hell was going on with him?

“If I lose against Raphael, we all lose everything,” Cas added.

“Yeah Cas, we know the stakes, that’s about all you’ve told us!” Dean raised his voice, causing you and Sam to flinch slightly.

“I’m sorry about all this,” Cas said, and he really did seem apologetic, “I’ll explain when I can.”

Before you could blink, Cas was gone.

“Fucking angels,” Dean said.

Sam walked forward, towards the wall, and gave it a good hit. “Solid. It’s real,” he said, audible relief in his voice.

“Yeah, real, moldy-” Dean began.

“Termite-eaten,” you added.

“Home sweet home.”

The three of you just kind of stood there for a moment, taking it all in, like it was the first time you’d seen Bobby’s house.

Now it was time to figure out what the hell was going on.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You, Sam, Dean, and Bobby finally all learn about Eve, the mother of all, during a hunt in Sandusky, Ohio. The way in which you learn about her though is… problematic, to say the least, and something is revealed (almost) along the way.

“Shhh, Sam. Be quiet.” you stage whispered as you stroked him. You were down on your knees in front of him in the back corner of Bobby’s upstairs hallway. This was the only time that the two of you had been alone together in days. **  
**

“It’s kind of h-hard,” he began just as you teased the tip of his cock with your tongue.

“No, it’s  _really_  hard,” you said in a teasing tone just before taking him into your mouth.

You could both hear Bobby and Dean downstairs, shuffling around and talking about, but neither of you let that bother you as you bobbed your head and sucked on Sam’s cock, working him towards his release.

Sam’s hand gathered a handful of your hair as you swirled your tongue around the tip each time you pulled back. His salty precum leaked into your mouth uncontrollably - a few days was far too long for either of you to go without at this point.

Massaging the length that wouldn’t fit into your mouth, you began to suck even harder, causing Sam to lose balance and fall back against the wall. Luckily, he didn’t make any noise. But you could tell he was going to have a hard time keeping quiet as his cock twitched. You pulled off his length and sucked on just the tip as hard as you could while quickly pumping him, resulting in his release to spill out into your mouth.

Moaning around him as you milked him dry, you could already tell he was feeling relieved. Sam ran his fingers through your hair, brushing it out of your face as you looked up at him and smiled as you let him fall from your mouth. You’d swallowed every bit of cum he had for you.

“Better?” you asked before using the back of your hand to wipe your mouth.

“Only after I get to taste you,” Sam said with a cocky smirk on his face as you stood up.

“Y/N! Sam!” Dean hollered from down the stairs, “Got somethin’!”

You sighed, disappointed that your time with Sam was getting cut short, but you knew he’d make up for it later… whenever that may be. “Coming!”

-

You, Sam, Dean, and Bobby ended up in Sandusky, Ohio, where there something was making people go postal. There was still uncertainty of what it was exactly you were all trying to track down, but the supposed mother of these monsters was the reason behind it.

You’d seen surveillance of what everyone believed to be the mother of the monsters… or something. You weren’t quite sure yet about what she was. The scariest part was not knowing how to kill her. How do you kill someone -  _something_ like that?

After splitting up at the police station, you, Sam, and Dean agreed to meet Bobby at the cannery later on to check things out. Rufus was there as well, so maybe this would all run a little more smoothly than you all had originally planned.

That’s when you all ran into Gwen and Samuel Campbell. And Dean was not happy to be running into Samuel. The first thing he did without hesitation was to rush him, ready to put a bullet in his head. Luckily Sam kept him from doing that, or well, not so luckily. You didn’t really care if he lived or died to be quite honest. Not after… everything.

You and Sam were instantly on the same page, which was a nice change of pace from everything that had happened recently.

“So, you’re Samuel,” Bobby said after Sam had made Dean leave the room. He stepped up, gun still aimed at the man that called himself a grandfather, and you let him.

“You must be the guy pretending to be their father,” Samuel retorted.

Cocking your head, you stepped up to stand next to Bobby, and pulled your own gun out and raised it up. “And you’re doing a lotta talkin’ for someone who has three guns pointed at them.”

Samuel looked at you and stepped off a bit as Bobby added, “Somebody oughta act like their father.”

You felt Sam’s hand rest on your shoulder as everyone exchanged awkward glances. Bobby to Samuel, Sam to you, Samuel to Sam, you to Gwen, and so forth. Finally, Samuel took a breath and looked to Sam. “Sam,” he said, “you’re looking well.”

“Save the small talk, alright?” Sam snapped back.

“You seem different,” Samuel answered.

“Got his soul back,” you said for Sam. You noticed your protective side showing a bit.

“Yeah, no thanks to you I hear,” Sam added.

“You hear?” Samuel questioned. “You don’t remember?”

Sam did that one thing. The thing that  _always_  turns you on, when the look in his eyes flickers to  _extremely_  dominant as he lowers his gaze before threatening someone. “I remember enough.”

His hand still rested on your shoulder, and you reached up to place your hand over his. You could taste the tension in the room.

“I really hate to break up this little circle of love,” Rufus began, drawing everyone’s attention to him for a moment, “but why don’t we talk shop, huh?”

You shifted on your feet and finally lowered your gun (that you didn’t realize you were still aiming) as Rufus continued, “How about you tell us what it is you’re hunting?”

Gwen and Samuel exchanged looks before they both looked back at the four of you, “Creature from Purgatory,” Samuel said. “She calls herself Eve.”

“They call her Mother,” Gwen added.

Samuel then informed you all that Eve was here on Earth about ten thousand years ago. Every monster on the planet can be traced back to her, which honestly gave you all the more reason to want her dead.

“And how the hell do you know all that?” Bobby questioned.

“You don’t know half the things I know, kid,” Samuel said, “Hell, until recently, you didn’t know about us.”  

“I now know that you’d throw your own kin to hungry ghouls. I think I know enough,” Bobby retorted.

Gwen’s brows furrowed, and she looked between you, Sam, Bobby, and then Samuel. “You what?” she questioned.

“Dean lied to the man!” Samuel tried to tell her.

“How ‘bout you ask Dean?” Bobby said to Gwen as he disregarded Samuel.

“Good idea,” Gwen agreed as she walked off, and you watched that smug look fall right off of Samuel’s face.

“I just wanna get this over with,” you sighed.

“You and me both,” Sam agreed as he pulled you into him for a moment.

Not thirty seconds later, the four of you flinched when the sound of gunfire boomed through the building.  _Not good, not good, not good_ , you thought.

Sam rushed out first and ran right to where Gwen laid on the floor, fatal gunshot wound to the abdomen. The rest of you began rushing around and looking for Dean.

“I’m gonna go find Dean!” you shouted as you ran passed everyone.

“Y/N,” Sam said, stopping you.

“What?”

“Whatever got into those guys must’ve got into Dean,” he said, placing his hand on your shoulder again, trying to keep you from going.

“Uh, duh,” you responded, “I got this.” You looked around at everyone before continuing, “Let’s split up.”

Sam looked aggravated with you for a second before you pulled away and took off down the long hallway. You had a flashlight and your gun… you just hoped you wouldn’t have to use the gun. Not on Dean, anyway.

“We’re gonna find him  _alive_ , Samuel,” you heard Sam say as you walked off, “Or I’m gonna put a bullet into your head.”

You smirked, even though this was hardly the time, still loving the way Sam talked like that. Quickly, you brought yourself back to the present, trying to think of where the hell Dean could’ve gone. You certainly needed to find him before he found you.

Several minutes later, you saw Dean, and that was the last thing you remembered.

-

Bobby, Sam, and Dean waited for it to wake up after they’d duct taped your body to a chair. Sam had to stand back, because this would involve hurting you, and he didn’t want any part of it. Dean had held the live wire to your neck, jolting whatever it was that was inside of you awake.

They were all pretty shaken already at this point. Sam had shot Samuel, and it had stabbed Rufus… and none of them wanted to lose you. So when you looked up at them as… Well, not-you; they had all the more reason to get pissed off.

“Don’t even think about shaggin’ ass outta here…” Dean began, “because we’ve got every crack in this room sealed. So get comfy. ”

“I  _am_  comfy,” it said. Only, it certainly wasn’t your voice that came out of your mouth. It was deep and almost demonic. And it brought out the fear in Dean’s eyes as he realized just how serious this was. “It’s nice in here,” it added. It smiled something wicked before looking up and saying, “And you love this girl here, don’t you?” Sam, Dean, and Bobby all stayed silent as they listened to it. “You really wanna kill me and take her with me? Haven’t you lost enough pals today?”

Sam couldn’t make eye contact with you, not like this. Hell, Dean hardly could. It was Bobby that stepped up, and took the wire from Dean, and looked it directly in the eyes. “We’ll do what we have to do.”

Dean took a deep breath to collect himself, “Now we got some questions for you. So you can either play ball…” Bobby held up the wire while Dean spoke, “Or…”

“Ask,” it said, before looking directly at Sam, who nearly flinched as your eyes searched him. “Been waitin’ for ya to ask.”

“What the hell’s that supposed to mean?” Bobby asked.

“It means I got nothin’ to hide,” it said, looking at Bobby, then back at Sam, “But your girlfriend does.”

Sam’s brows furrowed. What could that mean? What could you have to hide? Instead of going right for that issue, Sam asked, “What are you?”

“You haven’t got a name for me yet,” it said, “I’m new around here. Eve cooked me up herself.”

The three men noticed some of that nasty black goo coming out of your nose that came along with having this thing inside you. Sam just wanted to rush forward and help you, even though he knew it wasn’t you. This was hurting him on a scale that you couldn’t even imagine - especially with worrying about you having something to hide.

Before anyone said anything else, Bobby stepped forward and placed the wire against your neck, causing the thing inside of you to grunt and groan in pain.

“Bobby,” Sam said as he stepped up a bit, encouraging him to pull away.

Dean snatched the wire from Bobby, now pissed himself. “Who is she? This Eve bitch.”

“The mother of all of us. And the end of all of you,” it said as you looked Dean in the eye, “By the time she’s done, there’ll be more creatures than humans. You’ll live in pens, and we’ll serve up your young and call it veal.”

This thing inside you was very obviously pissed off, which was alarming to Sam, Dean, and Bobby.

  
“What’s your deal in all of this?” Sam asked, “How’s jumping a few truckers gonna help?”

“You think I’m here to mess with a couple of cannery workers? We led you here,” it retorted.

“Why?” Bobby asked.

“She has a message for you,” it responded, looking between the three men, but your gaze zeroed in on Sam.

“Oh yeah? What’s that?” Dean asked.

Your smile was sinister as it answered, “You’re all gonna die. She’s pissed. She’s here. And it’s gonna be nothin’ but pain for you from here on in.”

“And what does Y/N have to hide?” Sam finally blurted out, before Dean or Bobby could say anything. It had been on the tip of his tongue the whole time, but he’d held himself back.

“Hmm, nothin’ too bad… for her,” you began, “Just that you’re far from the only one on her mind.” it said with an infuriating little wink.   
  
“Well, here’s my response,” Dean said before Sam could ask you anything else. He held the wire to the same place on your neck, causing you to cry out in pain, along with the thing that was inside of you.

Dean held it and he held it and Bobby stepped towards Sam who was both in shock and wanting to stop Dean from hurting you. But when Dean noticed the only thing happening was more black goo oozing out of you, he pulled back.

This obviously wasn’t going to get this thing out of you.

-

You were stuck in your mind. You could see, hear, and feel that was happening outside. At first you couldn’t, but it was that first shock that woke you up. It was like being possessed by a demon in a way. Like your own eyes were but a window into the world.

Sam, Dean, and Bobby were taking a moment to try and figure out how to get it out of you, and all you wanted to do was scream. Scream from pain, scream because you were pissed, and scream because what you had thought was just a deep dark secret that would never come to surface had just been revealed.

You did not have feelings for someone else. You couldn’t. They would go away. But you couldn’t worry about that right now. Right now you needed to worry about getting this fucker out of you so that you could get back to your family alive.

Things began to go hazy and all you could register was duct tape being wrapped around your head, covering your mouth, your nose, and your ears. You could hear Dean yelling but you couldn’t make out what he was saying. And Sam. You could see Sam. He looked worried, hurt, and just plain scared.

That’s when the pain started. You could feel this thing in your head as Dean held the wire to your neck again, you could feel it wiggling around, digging, fighting, thrashing. You heard Dean tell you to hang on as you began to scream and fight to take back control, to knock this thing out.

You could feel the nasty goo flowing out of you, mixed with some of your own blood until you fell unconscious.

-

You groaned as your head pounded. Finally, you seemed to be coming to. You didn’t know what time it was or where you were, you only felt the familiar touch of Sam’s soft hand on your arm as your eyes fluttered open.

“Hey, hey, don’t talk,” Sam said, reaching for a glass of water that was on the nightstand. You were at Bobby’s. “Drink.”

Sam helped you sit up slowly on the bed in Bobby’s spare room and then helped you drink. You gripped tightly onto the glass and gulped down every drop you could, while Sam sat down next to you on the bed and brushed your hair out of your face.

You finally took a breath and looked over at him. “How long was I out?”

“The whole ride home and a few hours,” Sam answered as he took the glass from you and set it down. “How’re you feeling?”

“Okay,” you said, leaning into him as he wrapped his arms around you.

“Don’t scare me like that again,” he threatened.  
  
“Where’s everyone?” you asked.

Sam took a deep breath as he laid back on the bed with you and let you snuggle up next to him, “Samuel’s gone… Rufus is gone… Dean and Bobby are fine.”

“What happened with Rufus?” you questioned as you half sat up to look at Sam.

“You,” he said, and it took your breath away, but you knew it wasn’t really you that did it.

Taking a moment to rest your head back on Sam’s chest, you looked up at the old, water damaged ceiling and asked, “How are you?”

“I’m alright…” Sam trailed off. “Are you hungry? We can go get pizza or something.”

You shook your head. “No, I just wanna be here with you.”

You could feel Sam tense up. That’s when you remembered what that worm thing had said, that Sam wasn’t the only one on your mind. Now you had time to really think about it without your mind being clouded with well… a worm.

It was that damn alternate reality. It was no fault of your own.

“Just me?” Sam asked, not really wanting to press, but at the same time, you could tell that he was really wondering what that thing meant.

“Yes, Sam. Just you,” you assured him. “I know that thing said that…” you started as you sat up, but Sam interrupted you.

“Wait wait wait, you could hear what was going on?” he questioned.

You shrugged. “For a little bit, I could see and feel too.”

“So you felt what… what we did?” he asked, now visibly upset.

“Sam,” you said, in a much softer tone this time, “you did what you had to do. I’m not mad about that.” You reached up and placed your hand on his cheek. “I’m still here.”

He opened his mouth to reply, but you smiled, pushing aside the argument that was probably about to happen as you climbed up to straddle Sam. “I’m not going anywhere. Couldn’t leave you even if I wanted.”

Sam’s hands found your hips as you leaned in to kiss him. You missed Sam every second that you weren’t as close to him as humanly possible; it still felt like you were both making up for the lost time that his soul was in the cage.

You allowed him to push your shirt up as your hands threaded back into his hair as he slid down on the bed so that you were laying on top of him.

“I love you,” you breathed against his lips, and in an instant, he’d flipped you both over and was now resting between your legs, pressing his growing erection into you.

“I love you too…” he said as he moved down to kiss your neck. “Let me show you.”

All you could do was nod as your eyes fluttered shut and your head fell back as Sam moved down on you, pulling your clothes out of the way until he’d moved his lips down to the waistline of your panties -you’d just now noticed Sam must have washed you up and changed you- and quickly began to tug them down.

You shifted under him to rid yourself of your shirt as Sam pulled your panties off, and before you could even get your shirt off of your arm, Sam’s lips were on your pussy.

Immediately, he groaned at the taste of you, something he hadn’t been able to taste for too long by his book. You pushed your legs even more open as his tongue swiped up past your clit, and then back down towards your entrance, causing you to whine and reach for his hair.

You could feel the tension in your body release as a pressure built up, threatening to throw you over the edge quickly.

And it did.

Before you could register that you were coming, you were, hard and slowly on Sam’s tongue. He smiled up at you, surprised that you had come so quickly, but it had been a long time, and you had become desperately sensitive in the intervening time.

Sam kissed his way back up your body until his lips were on yours once again, and that’s when you looked into his eyes, after you tasted yourself on his tongue. “Sam.”

“Yeah?” he breathed through his need to take you right this very moment.

“Is there anyone else here?” you asked.

Sam shook his head as he looked down at you, just as needy as he was as you said, “Then make me scream.”

“My pleasure.” Sam smirked at you, before crashing his lips back into yours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is encouraged and much, much appreciated!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You have to stay behind when Cas sends Sam and Dean back in time. But when Cas is injured, how will you bring them back?

Dean Winchester was one crazy son of a bitch. What kind of person actually suggests time travel before anything else? But still, you  _knew_  that, when Dean looked his brother dead in the eyes and said, “March 5th 1861, Sunrise, Wyoming,” that he was exactly the kind of person that did just that.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” you said as you and Sam looked at each other in confusion, still slightly baffled.

“We hop back in time, join up with Samuel Colt, hunt the phoenix, and then we haul the ashes back home with us.”

“Time travel?” Bobby asked.

“Yeah,” Dean said with a grin on his face, clearly thrilled with his own idea.

“ _That’s_  a reasonable plan?” Bobby said.

The four of you needed ashes of a phoenix to take care of this Eve… bitch. You just referred to her as that Eve bitch. There was no better way to put it.

“We’ve gotta guy who can swing it,” Dean added.

This whole idea was way too amusing for you to even be annoyed. The way Dean smiled that goofy ass smile of his and stood up and said, “Castiel… the uh, the fate of the world is in the balance…”  _Dear god,_  you thought as he went on, “…so come on down here.”

When there was no response, Dean looked around the room before closing his eyes even tighter and saying, “Come on Cas, I Dream of Jeannie your ass down here, pronto… please.”

“What a way with words you have, Dean,” you added sarcastically as you sat back in your chair and propped your feet up on the table, waiting for Cas to  _not_  show up.

So you damn near fell out of your seat when you looked up to see a blonde woman, who was very obviously an angel appeared out of nowhere. “Jeannie?” Dean asked.

“Rachel,” she said. She was smiling, but that didn’t mean she was nice. You weren’t six anymore. And you knew as well as everyone else in this room that Dean wouldn’t work with her. “I understand you need some assistance. How can I help you?”

“Well uh,” Dean began, “we kinda need to talk to the big kahuna.”

“I’m here on Castiel’s behalf,” Rachel said.

“And where’s Cas?” you asked, bringing her attention to you.

“He’s busy.”

“Busy?” Dean questioned.

“Yes. Busy.” Rachel added.

“Well we’ve got a line on the mother of fucking everything, so…” Dean started again only to be interrupted by the only angel in the room.

“I’m sure your issue is very important, but Castiel is currently commanding an army, so-”

“So we get stuck with Miss Moneypenny,” Dean interrupted. You, Sam, and Bobby stayed quiet as Dean steadily became more and more annoyed. So were you, for that matter.

“So you need to learn your place,” Rachel snapped back, and you raised your eyebrows in a way that that said  _oh fuck_.

“I don’t know who you  _think_  you are,” Dean started, a threatening note in his voice.

“I’m his friend,” she sassed back.

“And you think we’re not?” You finally stood up, deciding to butt in.  

“I think you call him when you need something,” Rachel said as she turned and looked you in the eye. You could feel the fire burning inside you at this point. If Cas was busy, he could at least pop in for two seconds, say ‘I’m busy’ and pop out again, right? “We’re fighting a  _war_ ,” Rachel continued.

“We get that,” Sam replied, grabbing your hand when he saw you clench your fists.

“Clearly you don’t,” Rachel said with her voice raised, “or you wouldn’t call him every time you stub your toe! You petty, entitled, little piece-”

“Rachel.” You looked over to see Cas had decided to pop in after all, and you took a breath and sat back down. You really weren’t in the mood to smack down an angel for calling you a little piece of shit. “That’s enough.”

An awkward silence fell over all of you before Rachel spoke up again. “I told you I’d take care of this.”

“It’s alright, you can go,” Castiel told her.

“You’re staying?” she questioned.

“ _Go_ ,” Cas ordered.  _Damn, Cas_ , you thought. And apparently you thought too loud, because Cas looked at you, causing you to look away awkwardly. Cas turned his attention back to Rachel. “I’ll come when I can.”

Finally, she was gone, and you all let out a deep breath.

“Wow,” Dean said as he turned back to look at you, Sam, and Bobby as you all stayed seated at the table. He then looked back at Cas, “Friend of yours?”

“Yes, she’s uh, my lieutenant,” Cas said. “She’s committed to the cause.” He stepped forward and looked between all of you in the room before looking back at Dean. “Now, what do you need?”

-

After getting out of that mildewy basement that held all the Campbell family lore, you tried taking a nap on the couch at Bobby’s while Dean went on a supply run. While Sam and Bobby cleaned guns, Cas just… kind of stood there. As if he was waiting for something.

Not that taking a nap was working out very well in the first place, but when Cas finally spoke up and said that you’d only have twenty-four hours to go back in time and do what you needed to do… it caught your attention.

“What?” you said before taking off the pillow that you’d had over your face, which was immediately followed up by Sam standing up and asking, “Why?”

Sitting up as Cas answered,  “Well, the answer to your question can best be expressed as a series of partial differential equations.”

“Uh,” you began, before Bobby cut in.

“Aim lower,” he told the angel.

“The further back I send you, the harder it becomes to retrieve you.” Cas looked up at Sam as he spoke, “Twenty-four hours is all I can risk. If I don’t pull you home within that time, you’ll be lost to me.”

“Well, then we better get you a watch,” Dean announced as he entered the room, carrying several large paper bags.

“What the hell’s all that?” Bobby asked.

Of course, Dean had gone to a  _western world_  store and bought clothes.

“One more thing,” Cas said before anyone could question what was in the bag, and you all turned to look at him. “I can only send two of you.” The four of you all looked up at Cas at the exact same time, waiting for an explanation. “The difficulty of retrieving you becomes greater if more of you go.”

“You know what?” you started, “I didn’t have time travel written in my agenda for today anyway.”

“You keep an agenda?” Cas asked as he turned to you.

You made eye contact with him, eyebrows raised. “Uh, no,” you said, suddenly unable to form a witty comeback.

_Weird._

“You guys go get ready,” you said, turning to Sam and Dean.

“Right,” Sam agreed, stepping over to you and placing a short yet dominating kiss to your lips.  _Damn, why so possessive?_  You thought.

-

Twenty minutes later, Sam and Dean came walking down the stairs in the goofiest looking clothes… Although you’d be lying if you said that Sam didn’t look hot as hell in his get-up.

Bobby gave them gold to use as money, and they made sure they had their weapons and everything they needed. Castiel said that he’d send them back to May 4th, and Dean was way too excited to get this show on the road, but they were ready.

“Sam,” you said, pulling him off into the other room for a quick moment. He looked at you, worried. “You be careful.”

You rushed forward to hug him- the clothes he was wearing still smelled brand new and like the store Dean had just come from. “You know I will,” he said. “I have  _you_  to come home to.”

Anytime Sam said something like that, your heart fluttered in your chest like you were sixteen and getting asked out by your high school crush. You closed your eyes and just let him hold you for a minute, hoping with all you had that you’d see him tomorrow.

“I love you,” you said.  
  
Sam kissed the top of your head. “I love you too. Hopefully I won’t die before you’re born.”

Then you pulled away and the two of you walked back to Dean, Cas, and Bobby, where you gave Dean a big hug as well. “Don’t fuck this up,” you told him in a threatening yet playful voice.

“What? I don’t ever fuck anything up,” he joked as you pulled away and punched his arm. The blanket he was wearing looked so ridiculous you weren’t able to take him seriously. “See ya at high noon tomorrow, partner.” He winked.

Bobby rolled his eyes and all but shoved them out the door. Castiel held two fingers to each of their foreheads, and suddenly, Sam and Dean were gone. “I have to go,” Cas announced.

“What about getting the boys back?” Bobby asked.

“Pray for me in twenty-four hours,” Cas said, turning to you and looking you dead in the eye, “and I’ll return.”

Bobby took a deep breath and said, “I’ll pray for all of us.” He held up his timer and set it for twenty-four hours, and right as you looked away, Cas was gone.

-

You jolted awake at the sound of a loud crash in the middle of Bobby’s kitchen. Jumping to your feet quickly, you and Bobby both saw Cas lying on the floor.

“Cas?” you said as you ran over to him.

“What the hell?” Bobby questioned as he followed you. In an instant, you were at Cas’ side and helping him off of the floor the best that you could. He was panting and shaking slightly, like he was hurt. He shoved you away as he crawled over to the refrigerator to paint a sigil in his blood.

“Cas are you-” you said in bemused shock as you moved over by him again- “are you bleeding?”

Castiel only responded with a mangled  _‘hnngh_ ’ before letting you finally help him stand.   
  
“Are we running or fighting?” Bobby asked as Cas attempted to step into the living room, both of your arms wrapped around his waist. Fuck, he’s heavy, you thought. You could feel his blood soaking your arm as he said, “We’re…” just before falling forward, and had it not been for Bobby, he would’ve brought both of you down.

“Balls!” Bobby shouted as he now held an unconscious angel. “Help me get him on the couch.”

You moved around them so that you could guide Cas as Bobby laid him down. Luckily, the couch was right there. “How much longer we got?” you asked.

“Three hours,” Bobby said as you both stood back and looked at Cas.  
  
“ _Dammit_ ,” you muttered under your breath.

You walked back into the kitchen to rinse your blood soaked arm off and get a glass of water for when Cas woke up… which he had better do.

-

With exactly fifty-nine minutes left on the timer, Castiel sat up, panicked as if it was time to fight. “Cas, finally,” you said as you moved from the chair to the couch and sat down next to him.

“You look like you went twelve rounds with Truckasaurus. What happened?” Bobby asked. You pulled one leg up under you on the couch and instinctively placed your hand on his shoulder.

“I was, um,” he began, his voice uneasy, “I was betrayed. Rachel uh- Raphael. He corrupted her, she turned on me.”

“Jeez Cas, I’m sorry,” you comforted him, though you’d removed your hand from his shoulder when he looked at you.

“Girl’s a real peach,” Bobby said.

“She’s… dead,” Cas added. You raised your eyebrows in response, noticing the color slowly coming back to Cas’ face. “I was wounded, and I needed safety. Thank you.” Castiel looked at Bobby, and then you. “Thank you, both of you.”

He tried to get up, leaning over you as he did so, but Cas was very obviously in no condition to stand yet. He groaned and you leaned back as Bobby said, “Hey, hey, hey,” and grabbed his shoulders to try and get him to sit back down. He did without protest.

“What’s with the finger painting?” Bobby asked.

“It’s a warding symbol against angels,” Cas answered, and if you didn’t know any better you’d say he looked ashamed.

“How badly are you hurt?” you asked.

“I’ll heal,” Cas said, looking over at you.

Except, he didn’t look like he was going to be healing within the next hour. Which was a problem. Sam and Dean were still stuck in 18-whatever doing god knows what. A lump welled up in your throat at the thought of them getting stuck there. You knew that your mind was only jumping to conclusions, maybe Castiel would be fine in an hour… but what if he wasn’t?

“Well, good,” you said with a slightly broken voice as you looked up at Bobby. He could read the expression on your face. He knew you were worried; he was worried too. “Cas, there’s less than an hour left before…” you trailed off.

“Before we pick up the kids at Frontierland,” Bobby finished for you as he turned to walk away.

That’s when Castiel rested his arms on his knees and sighed, “I can’t.”

Your heart stopped. “You what now?”

Bobby turned back around as Cas began to explain, “This fight, it drained me.”

“Ain’t there another halo you can call that can come in and get the job done for you?” Bobby asked.

“No… I can’t.” Cas answered.

“Well, there’s gotta be something Cas, a spell? Anything?” you pressed, bringing his attention to you. Tears pricked your eyes, but you wouldn’t let them fall.

“There’s one thing that might work,” Cas said, looking back down at his lap, “but it’s extremely dangerous”

“Of course it is,” you said, rolling your eyes and leaning back against the arm of the couch.

“Lay it on us,” Bobby said, ready to do anything to get Sam and Dean back.

“A soul,” Castiel said flatly, which brought you back to sitting up straight.

“What, we make another deal? Seal it with a kiss?” Bobby questioned.

Cas looked at you. “I’d need to touch your soul.”

You stared at Cas for a good ten seconds before you could form any words. The silence in the room was deafening. Your heart had dropped to your stomach, and you damn near got up and left. “Touch  _my_  soul?”

“Yours would be the strongest. I have recently healed you, Y/N,” Cas added. And he was right. After… after Dean went to get Sam’s soul back, Cas had to heal you. “And the human soul, it’s… it’s pure energy. If I can siphon some of that off, I might be able to bring Sam and Dean back.”

“ _Might_?” you questioned. “So, what? Worst case scenario, you kill me, and Sam and Dean get stuck in The Wild Wild West for the rest of their lives? I don’t think so,” you snapped.

“It’s like putting your hand in a nuclear reactor, yes, but there doesn’t seem to be any other option,” the angel argued. “I have to do it very gingerly.” You knew you’d have to do it. It scared the living shit out of you, but you had to. For Sam. For Dean. The world would literally go to shit without them.

“Well, as long as you’re not too rough I suppose. Wouldn’t want that,” you said with only a tinge of sarcasm as you ran a hand over your face.

“No way,” Bobby said, “I’m not lettin’ you do this. Sam comes back and you’re hurt, he’s gonna kill me. And Cas. What can happen to her anyway?”

“She can explode,” Cas said calmly.

You took a shaky breath as a single tear spilled over and said, “ _She_  thinks it’s a risk we should take.”

Both men, well, the one man and the one angel looked at you as Bobby said, “Just… keep both hands on the wheel.”

You stood up and walked to the bathroom before anyone could say anything else. You needed a minute. What was it with you and needing a minute in small spaces lately? You should be used to all of this by now. You’ve been in this life since you were three goddamn years old. Ever since that werewolf got your mom. That werewolf that’s still out there, not to mention. You’d kill it someday.

Pulling yourself from your thoughts as you turned the light on, you closed the toilet seat and sat down. The need to scream was building, but you knew now wasn’t the time. You needed to stay strong. You needed Sam, and he needed you. Even if he was slightly suspicious of you right now. He might not have said anything as of yet, but you knew he was going to.

But you’d be damned if he never got to say it. So with everything you had, you stood back up and stepped over to the sink and turned the faucet on to splash your face with cold water. You allowed it to really wake you up, to bring you back to where you needed to be. The cracked mirror you looked up into showed you your tired, worried expression. There was fear written all over your face, but at least you didn’t look like you wanted to cry anymore.

Taking one last breath, you walked out of the bathroom. Cas was finally up on his feet as the timer drew just minutes away from the twenty-four hour mark. Bobby was in the kitchen getting a drink. He wasn’t really fond of seeing who he considered his daughter have her soul touched. Especially with the possibility of exploding.

“Y/N,” Cas said as you walked back into the living room, “Just… you  _are_  okay with this, right?”

“No,” you admitted, looking down as you stood but two feet in front of the angel, “Not at all.”

“We don’t have to,” he said.  
  
You looked up at him. “I love Sam more than anything in this world. And Dean’s a close second.” You took another deep breath. “I will do  _anything_  for them.”

Cas half heartedly smiled as you took a seat back on the couch, “Bobby, you’ll probably want to hold her down.”

“Fun times,” you added as Castiel rolled his sleeve up, exposing his arm. “Don’t blow me up. Kay Cas?”

“I’ll do my best,” he assured you as Bobby finally came back into the room and sat down next to you, and wrapped an arm around your shoulder. You wiggled your hands under your thighs and prepared yourself.

You looked up at Cas to signal that you were ready as he leaned down, and sank his hand into your stomach.

It was excruciating. It felt like a cosmic vacuum was ripping at your guts, and as if you were leaving your body for a moment. You struggled against Cas and Bobby and screamed as Cas sunk his hand deeper into you.  _God_ , it felt like he was twisting and pulling and crushing. The light of your soul lit up the room, and you closed your eyes tightly, wondering if childbirth really had anything on this.

Then suddenly, it was over, and Sam and Dean were back. Dean was kneeling on the floor and Bobby helped you sit up straight as Cas pulled his sleeve back down. Sam looked at you as you panted like you were going to faint.

Dean only looked around in shock as he tilted the small glass bottle upside down, with no ashes inside.

“Y/N?” Sam asked, pushing his way past Cas and his brother to kneel in front of you. “What the hell?!”

“Cas… hurt… Needed…” you panted, but Bobby filled in for you, “Cas was attacked and needed to touch her soul to be able to bring you back.”

Sam looked back up at Cas as you caught your breath. Surprisingly, the aftereffects didn’t last as long as you might’ve thought they would.

“She’s fine,” Cas assured Sam. “She wanted me to do it.”  
  
“See Sammy?” you said, “ _She’s_  fine.”

He looked back at you and smiled, though Castiel seemed less than pleased, as did Dean and Bobby. Cas was still drained, you could see it. So he sat down in the chair as the rest of you just kind of… did nothing but count your losses. This was your one shot to take out that bitch Eve… and you failed.

“You gotta send us back, Cas,” Dean pleaded.

Cas only glared at him.

“Dean, look at him, he’s fried,” Sam said, defending him.

“I never want to do that again,” Cas admitted. Sam sat down on the floor at your feet.

“Y/N?” Dean asked, wondering if you were okay.

“I just feel like I drank too much,” you said.

Sam stood up when you all heard a knock at the door, and went to answer it. It was a delivery man, asking if there was a Sam Winchester. That’s all you heard as they spoke, and a moment later, Sam walked back into the living room holding a package. He set it down on the desk and you all watched him as he opened it, pulling out a box which contained his now very dead cell phone, a note, and, much to your surprise… phoenix ashes.

Finally. Something went right. And now you could take out this mother of all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Feedback is encouraged and much, much appreciated!


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Sam get away for a little alone time. You, Sam, Dean, and Bobby finally figure out what’s been up with Cas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a day late everyone!!!! Thanksgiving was a bit busy for me and I was unable to get everything done on time. But here it is!!! <3

It was important to take a break from all the shit that had been going on. After killing that Eve-bitch, you, Sam, Dean… well, not so much Dean, but you, Sam and Bobby began to have suspicions about Cas. You had already suspected something for a few months now. He was always poofing away and then popping up at just the right time, as if on queue. Not to mention, he’d been acting…  _off_  lately, that was really the only way you could describe it.

The four of you were angry at him, but also worried for him. What was he trying to hide? You were certain that Crowley was one of those things he was hiding. Especially after Cas was a bit too quick to run along after finding out he was still alive.

It was all very stressful, and that’s why you and Sam had went out for food, and taken a moment to pull off on some old dirt road and fuck around like teenagers.

You straddled his lap as he sat in the driver’s seat, grinding on him as if your life depended on it. The way his hips bucked up into you even though your clothes were still on and in the way was addicting. He couldn’t get enough of you, ever, and you couldn’t get enough of him.

Your flannel shirt was unbuttoned and your bra was exposed as he held you in place so he could bite the part of your breast that was exposed. You flinched at first from the unexpected sensation, but moaned when he sucked the delicate flesh into his mouth, surely leaving a hickey.

“You should take this off,” he breathed, your hands finding his as they rested on your waist.

“Will you fuck me sooner?” you asked, grinding down on him again.

“Hmmm…” he started, twisting and flipping you so that you were now lying on your back across the bench seat, “maybe.”

You shifted around and got your shirt all the way off as Sam began taking off his shirt. He only unbuttoned it but you didn’t mind as long as you could see at least some of him. You were just in the Impala after all. After getting your shirt off, you reached around and unhooked your bra, but Sam was the one who reached down and pulled it off of you, exposing your breasts to the cool spring air that filled the car, your nipples already hard, just the way Sam liked them.

He leaned down to kiss you just as you began kicking your boots off, and without hesitation you let his tongue slip into your mouth to roll against yours; hot and desperate like you haven’t had a moment alone in weeks. Which actually wasn’t the case- unless you were on a hunt, you and Sam managed to have sex nearly every day. You just… could never get enough of each other.

“You’re beautiful, you know that?” he told you as his warm bare chest pressed against yours while his hips rolled into you, making you need him inside of you even more. He began moving down on you, to your breasts, where his lips kissed the hickey he’d just sucked before he took one of your nipples into his mouth.

You could only moan in response as your head spun, beginning to feel high on arousal as Sam began to tug your pants down. “Boots,” you managed to breathe, and Sam sat up so that you could kick one of them off.

Sam reached up on top of the dash and grabbed the foil packet he’d tossed up there before he undid his own pants, watching hungrily as you slid yours off of one leg.

“Get that thing on,” you begged as your fingers almost instinctively found your clit. You needed friction, and you needed it now. You noticed the windows fogging up as Sam’s hard cock sprang free. He ripped the foil packet open with his teeth and slid the condom on quickly before coming back to rest between your legs, your finger still circling your clit.

Sam kissed you again as he guided his cock to your entrance and making sure to tease you by just pushing the tip in for a few seconds, “ _Dammit Winchester_ ,” you moaned as he tortured you. “Fuck me already,” you demanded.

You gasped when he pushed into you with one quick thrust, smiling against your lips when you whimpered as he began to fuck into you. He was slow for a few thrusts, but then he went hard and deep, filling you to the brim with his thick cock.

“Sam,  _fuck_ ,” you whined as he planted one foot on the floor, and sat up on his knee, gripping your hips as he began to pull you down onto him as he plowed into you.

“Like takin’ me like that don’t you,” he breathed, pounding into you even harder as you tried to keep your finger on your clit. You were almost to the edge, right about to tip over whenever Sam decided to pull you up and sit back down so that you were straddling him, “Work for it baby,” he groaned as his cock seemed to push into you even deeper.

You cried out as you began to bounce up and down on him in the driver’s seat, for a brief moment the thought about how Dean might actually murder you both if he knew about what you were doing in his car crossed your mind. But you didn’t care as you swiveled your hips.

“Sam,” you breathed, “it’s hot.”

You weren’t one to complain, but the temperature was rising, and you might have been also hinting on to taking this outside.

“ _Fuck_ , okay,” Sam replied, taking your hint. He reached over and pulled the door handle and set a foot on the ground, all with his cock still inside you before you pulled off of him. You were both quick to get up and get out.

Sam quickly pulled you around to the front of the Impala, your pants dragging against the gravel that made up this old back road as he guided you. Both of you knew nobody would be coming out here when Sam bent you over the hood, your hands spreading over the smooth black surface while the moon acted as your only source of light. Sam was quick to find your entrance again, pushing himself in and stretching you once more. His hands gripped onto your hips tightly as he began fucking into you again, your moans filling the emptiness surrounding you.

You could hear the breeze rustling the trees that lined the small road as Sam fucked you right back to the edge of orgasm, and your walls began to flutter around his cock just as he buried himself even deeper inside of you with those torturous, deep,  _long_  thrusts that he often did.

You cried out as you came, with your cheek pressed against the car as Sam took you right here, out in the open, like you were his property. But  _fuck_  if you didn’t love it. You bit down on your arm to keep from screaming, and as your pussy clenched around Sam’s cock, he twitched inside of you, his thrusts becoming erratic as he came, groaning your name before he stilled.

_God damn_ , you thought.

Sam pulled out of you and got rid of the condom, and you could both swear that you heard something in the distance. Thus, you both quickly hurried back to the Impala, jumping in and wiggling back into your clothes. Sam had closed his door just as a beaten up old pick up drove by, and you both watched nervously as it passed, laughing once it was out of sight.  
  
“We should do this more often,” you said as you slid your boot back on, then went back to buttoning your shirt up.

“Yeah, so Dean can get a big whiff of sex in his car and kill us both?” Sam answered.

You shrugged. “He won’t actually kill us. That’s the best part.”

Leaning over, you kissed Sam as he finished redoing his shirt. This was one of the good memories you’d keep with you, when it was just you and Sam. In love, together, happy. He always kissed you so softly, as if you were the most delicate thing he’d ever laid his hands on. Your stomach rumbled just as you pulled away, reminding you both that you were on a food run.

“We better get going,” you said, and Sam started up the Impala.

-

You and Sam paced around the grungy, dark, old cabin, while Dean and Bobby sat, knowing that what you were going to have to do wasn’t going to be easy. The four of you had just interrogated a demon, trying to find Crowley, since he was alive still. And now, you needed to get Cas here, and question him. You all had the suspicion that he was working with Crowley… Now you needed to know for sure.

Sam nodded at Dean, signaling that it was time.

“Castiel,” Dean began, “Uh, we need you for a little powwow down here, so come on down.”

Cas was there in an instant, which was… almost too quick for Cas. You and Sam both turned to face him as he said, “Hello.”

“Oh, Johnny-on-the-spot.” Bobby said as he turned in the chair he was sitting on.

“You’re still here,” Cas said.

“Yeah, we had to bury the bodies,” Sam told him. Which was true, but that wasn’t the only reason that you were still here.

“And we found whiskey,” Dean added.

Cas nodded as he stepped down from the doorway and into the room, “How can I help?” he asked.

Sam held up his book, and began flipping through the pages, “Oh, look. We uh, have a new plan.” Which was true, but also a lie. You did have a new plan to find Crowley, just… Cas didn’t know that it was going to be this. “We finally figured out a way to track down Crowley.”

Cas began to walk towards Sam as Bobby stood, and turned, “What is it?” Cas asked.

“It’s you,” Bobby said, as he threw down a match, igniting the ring of holy oil that Cas now stood in, trapping him there.

Castiel’s eyes widened as if he’d been caught red handed. He looked around at Sam, then Bobby, Dean, and then you. You couldn’t make eye contact with him. Doing this to a friend was hard for all of you. But… there was a chance now that Cas might not be your friend, and that was even harder to deal with.

“What are you doing?” Cas asked, panicked.

“We gotta talk,” Dean said as he finally stood.

“About what? Let me go,” Cas demanded, though he knew he was powerless while surrounded with the holy fire.

“About Superman. And Kryptonite.” With those four words that Dean had just said, Cas knew just where he’d fucked up. You could see it in his eyes, although none of you would believe it until you heard the words come out of Cas’ mouth.

“How’d you know what I said?” Bobby asked.

“How long have you been watching us?” you added.

“You know who spies on people, Cas? Spies,” Dean said just before Cas jumped in.

“Okay, just wait,” Cas tried to defend himself, “I don’t even know what you mean.”

“What about this demon craphole?” Sam asked as he motioned around the room, “How is it so uh, next-to-godliness clean in here?” The four of you surrounded the ring of holy fire, so that each time one of you spoke, Cas would have to turn, “And how exactly did Crowley trick you with the wrong bones?” Sam continued.

“That is… hard to understand,” Cas said as he just sort of paced in a what little of a circle his confines would allow, “It’s hard to explain. Just let me go, let me out and I can-”

“You gotta look at me, man,” Dean interrupted him, “You gotta level with me and tell me what’s goin on.”

You walked over to Sam, your heart pounding as you became more and more worried. This wasn’t like Cas, not at all. This wasn’t the fallen angel you knew and loved. This wasn’t the Cas that made you feel something that could only be described as out of this world when you looked into his eyes.

“Look me in the eye and tell me you’re not working with Crowley,” Dean raised his voice slightly, keeping Cas’ attention on him.

Castiel stayed silent, and you all knew exactly what that meant. Cas was, in fact, working with Crowley. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding in. Everyone else did the same, and Cas didn’t even need to say it.

“What the  _fuck_  are you thinking Cas?” you blurted out.

He looked at you. “Just let me explain.”

“That’s what we’re asking you to do!” you shouted, and Sam pulled at your arm slightly, silently telling you that yelling wasn’t going to get you anywhere.

“You’re in it with him?” Dean asked, “You and Crowley? Been goin’ after purgatory together?” Dean was nearly in tears, as were you. “You have huh? This whole time.”

“I did it to protect you, I did it to protect all of you,” Cas said once again, poorly trying to defend himself.

“Protect us how?” Sam asked as he pulled you into his side, and held you there tightly; almost scared that if he let you go he might lose you. It didn’t take much for him to think that way. “By opening a hole into monsterland?”

“He’s right Cas,” Bobby began, “One drop got through and it was Eve. And you wanna break down the entire dam?”

“To get the souls,” Cas said, now raising his voice. “I can stop Raphael. Please,” he entreated, “you have to trust me.”

“Trust you?” you retorted, “How the fuck are we supposed to trust you now, Cas?”

“I’m still me,” he said desperately as he turned to you and Sam. You could see the tears welling up in Cas’ eyes; he knew he’d fucked up, but you weren’t sure that this could be fixed. “I’m still your friend, Y/N… Sam, Dean, Bobby.” He turned as he said everyone’s names, looking at all of you. “Sam,” he said, in one last attempt, “I’m the one who raised you from perdition.”

_He what?_

You looked between Cas and Sam, whose expression was now changing to one that was pure disgust. “What?” he asked.

That was it for you. Sure, he might have brought Sam back, but you suffered with him for over a year while he ran around with no soul, dragging you through the mud because he couldn’t feel a damn thing for you. And now, even if it would only be for a moment, you couldn’t care less if Cas was alive or dead.

“Well, no offense,” Sam added, raising his voice as he tightened his grip on you, “but you did a pretty piss poor job of it.”

Castiel just looked… hurt. Like he was expecting a thank you, and got a slap in the face instead. Again, like you’d wanted to do so many times over the last several days, you wanted to scream, you wanted to kill something. You wanted Castiel gone.

“Wait,” Sam added, Dean and Bobby both standing there like you, completely unsure of what to say, “Did you bring me back soulless on purpose?” 

“Watch your answer,” you warned Cas, eyes narrowed.

“How could you think that?” Cas asked, once again looking between you and Sam, barely able to keep eye contact with either of you.

“Well, we’re thinkin’ a lot of things right now, Cas,” Sam said.

Cas shook his head. Whether it was from disbelief or regret, you didn’t know. “Listen,” he said with a note of urgency in his tone, “Raphael will kill us all. He’ll turn the world into a graveyard. I had no choice.”

“No, you had a choice,” Dean began, “You just made the wrong one.”

_Once_   _again_ , you thought to yourself. “You don’t understand,” Cas said, trying to defend himself yet again, “It’s complicated.”

“Okay, so why don’t you elaborate?” you said with a shaky voice.

“No, Cas, it’s not,” Dean said, “and you know that. Why else would you keep this whole thing a secret, huh? Unless you knew that it was wrong?” Cas only looked at Dean now, not knowing what else to say as Dean went on, “When shit like this comes around, we deal with it… like we always have. What we don’t do is go out and make another deal with the devil.” Dean was yelling now, and he had a right to be. You all had a right to be pissed. This was… this was beyond the pale.

“Yeah, it sounds so simple when you say it like that,” Cas replied as he looked down, clearly ashamed. But then he looked back up at Dean. “Where were you when I needed to hear it?”

“I was there,” Dean argued. “Where were you? You should’ve come to us for help, Cas.”

“Maybe,” Cas agreed, just before what sounded like a storm coming in abnormally fast began outside. Castiel looked up and around, now even more panicked than before. “It’s too late now.”

So you were assuming that it wasn’t a storm that was coming. You thought for a brief moment that maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on Cas, but still… what he did to Sam? Bringing him back with no soul? That was almost unforgivable, even if he didn’t mean to. You, Sam, Dean, and Bobby prepared for whatever it was that was coming. You assumed it was demons.

“It’s too late,” Cas continued, “I can’t turn back now.”

“It’s not too late,” Dean shouted, “Dammit Cas we can fix this!”

Cas was quick to come back. “Dean, it’s not  _broken_!”  And maybe it wasn’t broken, but now was obviously not the time to figure it out. “Run. You all have to run, now!” Cas shouted even louder, but all of you just stood there, “ _Run_!” Cas yelled again, and finally, the four of you went into action.

You ran to the door, opening it and making sure that Sam, Dean, and Bobby got out as you took one last look at Cas, wondering if this was the last time you would see him. You felt a strange sensation in your heart before you forced yourself to pull away and leave, shutting the door behind you. Your heart continued to pound in your chest as Sam grabbed your wrist the second you got out the door, and the four of you rushed to the Impala. with mere seconds to spare to get out of there before the demons would be close enough to hurt you all.

“Everyone good?” Dean asked as the engine roared to life as he pelted out of there.

A mix of ‘yeah’s and ‘uh-huh’s filled the car for a moment as you leaned against the back seat, your head falling to the side as you looked at Sam. You were thankful that you were here sitting next to him, and thankful that Dean and Bobby were okay as well.

But now you needed to get your emotions in check. Because you loved  _Sam_ … Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Feedback is encouraged and greatly appreciated! <3


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hings start to become complicated between you and Sam just before Crowley takes Ben and Lisa. When you all think that Cas might be involved with their kidnapping, it all becomes too much. (Set in 6.21 - Let it Bleed)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo in light of the season six finale, you guys will be getting part 15 tomorrow! And then there’ll be a little break (for a week or two) while I catch up on writing. <3

The only thing that really worked properly in Bobby’s house was the water pressure in the shower. The old claw foot tub you were currently standing in could’ve used a good coat of Comet and a nice scrub, but when you needed to be alone, the state of the tub didn’t matter. It helped you to feel closed in, safe, and as alone as you could feel while in a house with three men.

Things had been quiet since you had all confronted Castiel. Too quiet, in fact. So Sam, Dean, and Bobby were using the time to find everything they could on purgatory. Looking through journals, books; anything they could get their hands on. You weren’t sure quite how long they’d been at it; you’d been upstairs for the majority of the time. Of course, given the conversation that you and Sam had last night, who could blame you?

_“I see the way you look at him you know,” Sam said as you laid on the worn out mattress with broken springs that squeaked with even the tiniest of movements. You faced the edge with your back to Sam, unable to sleep._

_“Look at who?” you asked, taking a deep breath and trying to stay still in the dark room._

_“Cas,” he said. Sam’s voice was monotone. He was serious. You could tell he was lying on his back, like usual. You stayed silent, not really knowing how to respond. You didn’t look at Cas in any certain way. Why would you?_

_“I care about him,” you began, clutching the small throw pillow you were holding even closer to your chest, “but I also care about you, and Dean, and Bobby.”_

_“You know what I mean, Y/N,” Sam said as he sat up, making the mattress squeak. He pulled the covers off of you as he moved on the bed, forcing you to sit up as well.  
  
“Sam. I _love _you,” you said vehemently. You couldn’t see much in the room right now, the curtains were closed, but you could feel the jealousy radiating off of Sam, “I_ don’t _love Cas. Not like I love you. He’s family, Sam. That’s it.”_

_You moved in front of Sam, where he sat cross legged next to you, and leaned in to kiss him. Your heart twinged when he hesitated for a moment, but he finally kissed you back. But it felt… different. His lips still moved softly and passionately against yours, you could feel him reveling in the small moment, almost like it would be the last time._

_“Y/N.” Sam said as he pulled away, bringing a hand up to cup your face, keeping you close, only a breath away, “We haven’t really done much talking lately… and I can tell that something’s up.”_

_You stayed silent, because he knew you well. Better than anyone. He was right that you hadn’t talked much recently. But things were so incredibly intense right now that by the time you were able to talk, you were both just… too worn out to say anything. It was more like just getting a certain physical release out of your systems before passing out._

_Now that you were thinking about it… you didn’t know what had been up with Sam lately either. What was on his mind? How was he feeling? Was he still bent up over everything that had happened over the last couple of years?_

_“Why don’t we… take a break while until all this purgatory crap is over.” His words went right in one ear and out the other. Was he serious? He couldn’t be. Right? You didn’t have feelings for Cas. And even if you did, you didn’t love him. But besides that, you had been a little different ever since you’d had the miscarriage. You’d been quicker to anger, you’d been a little checked out, sure, but… was it enough to cause you to lose Sam?_

_“Sam,” you tried to argue as you felt the all too familiar lump in your throat form as you realized that he was right. Maybe you did need a break._

_So you agreed, reluctantly. Your breaths were shaky and tears were threatening to spill over, but you kept it together until he stood and leaned down to place a kiss on your forehead. It wasn’t until he left the room that you allowed those tears to fall as you questioned everything._

Those few minutes kept replaying in your head, over and over. That’s why when the water had started to run cold, you didn’t notice. You felt trapped inside your own mind, like you needed to scratch and claw your way out, only… you didn’t want to. Or even if you  _did_  want to, you were fairly certain that you wouldn’t be able to.

But when you heard Dean raise his voice from downstairs, it pulled you away from your thoughts just enough that you shut the water off quickly and got out. It sounded like he was either arguing, or like something was wrong. In your experience, you were guessing it was the latter. So you got dressed as fast as you could so that you could rush downstairs.

Sam looked up at you as you walked down the stairs, seeing you for the first time that day, and immediately you knew that something was in fact wrong, “What is it?” you asked.

“Crowley has Lisa and Ben,” Dean said as he paced around the living room.

You walked the rest of the way into the room, your heart sinking as anger began to cloud your vision. “What? Dean. You have to go.”

“Gotta find them first,” he said. You could tell that Dean was trying his hardest not to hit something.

“Cas?” you asked.

“ _Fuck_  Cas,” Dean said, “he’s most likely in on it.”

“He can’t go after them right now, Y/N,” Sam added in.

“Why the hell wouldn’t he?” you retorted, surprising yourself and everyone in the room with your tone as you turned to Dean. “I’ll go with you.”

“They’re right,” Dean said, “Already got a plan.”

Your shoulders slumped and you shook your head. This was too far. Maybe not for Crowley, but certainly for Cas. If he had any chance at forgiveness, this pretty well threw it out the window.

-

That night, after you had all summoned Balthazar as your last resort for help, he had taken you all to the building where Ben and Lisa were. You felt god awful for Dean, and of course you were going to do anything you could to help.

Three of you on however many demons there was in there wasn’t ideal. Sam got knocked out, and you did as well, but Dean managed. Nothing would get in his way. Luckily, you had woken up found Sam before Dean had come rushing through, carrying Lisa after she was stabbed. Sam had gotten a car and you all piled in to get to the hospital.

You got some strange looks given your new black eye, and the way you all rushed in. You sat outside of the hospital room while Dean and Ben sat with Lisa, who was as of right now, not going to make it. Sam was getting the impala, which you were glad for… You really didn’t want to face him right now. Not after you split up. You just… couldn’t. And he was right, you needed some time. You needed to get your mind straight again before you could move further with him. You looked up when Ben walked out of the hospital room, so you decided to get up and walk in, surprised to see Cas standing there.

“What the hell are  _you_  doing here?” you asked before Dean had the chance, clenching your fists. This was the first time you’d seen him since you’d stopped considering him a friend, and it was… hard. Cas glanced at you before looking at Dean, and judging by the way Dean looked at you, you must’ve looked like you could kill Cas right there.

“Dean, I need you to listen,” Cas began as he stepped forward.

“What? You know she’ll be dead by midnight?” Dean snapped, his voice full of pain. You stepped forward, and walked around the bed to where Dean was sitting, putting a hand his shoulder to offer what little support you could.

“I’m sorry,” Cas said, looking between the two of you. Guys got a lot of nerve.

“I don’t care,” Dean retorted, “Too little too late.”

“Okay,” Cas answered. “Well, regardless I didn’t come for you.” You looked up from Dean, thinking for a split second,  _maybe he meant that he had come for you_. But you knew better, and this wasn’t the Cas you once knew.

You felt your heart drop as Cas walked up to Lisa, and placed his hand on her forehead, letting his grace heal her. But even still… it wasn’t enough. Dean looked between her and Cas, then back at you. You stepped totally behind Dean and placed your free hand on his other shoulder and squeezed. He didn’t need to say it, and neither did you, but having you in here helped him tremendously.

Dean reached up and placed one of his hands on yours, and you allowed him to lace his fingers with yours. Cas waited a moment, then removed his hand from Lisa’s forehead before saying, “She’s fine now. She’ll wake soon.”

You pulled away from Dean then, and left the room. You could tell from the way by he was holding your hand that there was something else he needed to do, or say. So you decided to wait outside the room, in the chair. Where you’d been sitting for the last several hours.

Taking your seat, you looked around. The nurses station was across from the room, and people were busy walking from place to place, from room to room, doing their job, visiting sick loved ones. It wasn’t until then when you realized just how tired you were. It was morning now, and the sun was out, shining through the windows. Your eyelids were heavy, your joints and muscles screamed at you, reminding you that you were knocked around pretty well last night.  

A moment later, Castiel walked out from the room and looked at you, with those damn shining blue eyes of his. “Don’t talk to me, Cas,” you said, holding up your hand as he opened his mouth to speak.

“Y/N-”  
  
“I’m serious. Just… go,” you interrupted him. You didn’t want to hear it. You couldn’t hear it. There was too much on your mind, and you couldn’t even make eye contact with Cas right now.

“No.” he said, “I was wondering if you would like me to… erase your memory of the pregnancy.”

That’s when you looked up. He was offering to take care of one of the things that was currently on and off interfering with your life. Which was one of the hard parts. Sometimes it didn’t bother you at all, sometimes it bothered you and you didn’t even realize it, and sometimes it bothered you so much that you couldn’t think of anything else. But if there was one thing you knew, it was that you were strong enough to handle it… even if it didn’t feel like it sometimes. Even without Sam. You could manage.

There were tears in your eyes as Castiel stared back at you. It was obvious he felt terrible - as he should.

“No,” you choked out, looking back down at the floor. “Just go.”

“I want to-” Cas began, but he paused, correcting himself, “I  _need_  to fix this, Y/N.”

You stood this time, and looked up at him. You were close enough that you could feel him take in a sharp breath, as you stood just inches from him. His pupils dilated, the small distance between the two of you very obviously doing something to him that you had never seen before.

It did the same thing to you as well, you could feel yourself swallow thickly and take in a sharp breath of your own as your tried your damnedest to keep your eyes from flitting down to his lips as you opened your mouth to say, “I  _hate_  you, Cas.”

He didn’t know what to say, and you were surprised at yourself with how well you were able to maintain eye contact. But Cas couldn’t let it go. He couldn’t let this be it. This just… couldn’t be the end of his family.

“I want you to go,” you added, “and I don’t want to see you…  _ever_  again.”  

You looked down, and closed your eyes, right in front of Cas. Not wanting to see what your words might’ve done to him. You didn’t care. You  _couldn’t_  care. When you opened your eyes and looked back up a second later, he was gone, and you let out a breath you had no idea you were holding in, and allowed a few tears to fall.

You saw Dean come out of the hospital room from the corner of your eye, and pulled yourself together before you turned to him. If there was nothing else you could do right now, you could at least be there for Dean.

“I had uh,” he began, his own eyes rimmed red as you stood, “I had him wipe Lisa and Ben’s memories. Of me.”

Dean struggled to look at you. He felt like this was all his fault. He felt like he should’ve never went back to Lisa after Sam had went to hell in the first place. It was written all over his face.

“Dean…” you said, “W-what can I do?”

“You’re doing enough sweetheart,” he said before he walked off down the hall. You took the moment to sit back down and rest your elbows on your knees, your face in your hands. Your heart was shattering. Your entire world had been rocked for what had to be the thousandth time in your entire life. It never got any easier, and it never ended. As soon as things seem to pick up, someone new was dead, someone was hurt, or someone had betrayed you. The world always seemed to be trying to end as well. Which, somehow, seemed to be the least of your problems most of the time.

You thought about going outside by Sam; surely he’d be back by now. Maybe a change of scenery would help. But at the same time you wanted to stay for Dean. He obviously needed you more right now. You also knew that if you stayed here, you wouldn’t need to face your Sam. So you stayed in the rickety hospital chair, alone.

It felt as if you were running around in circles. You would surely go mad mad sitting here. You were heartbroken for Dean, heartbroken because you weren’t with Sam, heartbroken because of what Cas had done… and all the while you were only half ass dealing with your own issues.

Briefly, you began to think that maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if you left everyone and went off on your own for awhile. Sam and Dean always managed without you before you came around, you were certain that they could manage if you left.

Maybe that’s what you would do after this whole purgatory thing was dealt with.

-

“You take care of your mom,” Dean choked out as you stood a few feet behind him, out in the hallway. Your lip quivered, listening to him like that, hearing him so upset, so broken. You could feel the pain radiating off of him. Having their memories erased was probably one of the hardest things he’d ever made the decision to do, but you even agreed that to keep both Lisa and Ben safe- it was for the best.

Dean turned away then, tears falling from his eyes, and before you could turn and walk with him, he reached out for you and pulled you in for a hug. Your arms wrapped around his waist, and under his jacket as he pulled you in impossibly close. His breaths were shaky and he was as tense as you’d ever felt him, but you allowed yourself to melt into him, because if you were being honest, you needed this hug as much as he did.

“Love you,” you mumbled with your face pressed against his chest. He didn’t want to let go of you. He only squeezed you tighter when you said that.

Dean didn’t say anything, but he didn’t need to. He’d never said he loved them, but it was one of the most blatantly obvious things there was. If he ever got over this, you’d be genuinely surprised.

“Dean, breathe,” you reminded him, and he relaxed some before letting go of you a bit. You looked up at him, and as close as you were to him, you could probably count his freckles, or get lost in his glassy eyes that were still just as green as a forest, regardless of how bloodshot or how full of pain they were.

The two of you just looked at each other for a moment, and you could feel your breath hitch as one of your hands slid from around his back to his chest, but you used it to push away.

“Let’s go,” you breathed, and you both walked on down the hallway, and made your way outside, where Sam was waiting with the Impala.

Sam was leaning against the car where the passenger’s side door was open. “Well?” he asked. You knew that Sam didn’t agree with having Lisa and Ben’s memories wiped. But there was nothing he could do about it now.

“Well nothin’,” Dean said, his voice now harsh as he opened his door and got in. You followed, getting in the seat behind him, then Sam got in as well.

“Dean,” Sam began, “you have pulled some shady shit before… but this has got to be the worst.” You looked up and glared at Sam. Why would he say something like that? Dean sat in the driver’s seat, tearing up again, now only feeling even more guilty for what he’d done. “Whitewashing their memories? Take it from somebody who knows-”

“If you ever mention Lisa or Ben to me to me again, I will break your fucking nose,” Dean snapped, cutting his younger brother off as he looked ahead.

Sam looked back at you, taking the look you were giving him as a sign that he really needed to shut up. But still, he pressed on as he looked back at Dean, “Dean.”

“I’m not kidding,” was all Dean could muster up as he looked up at Sam, his eyes totally glassy again. That’s when Sam finally got it, and nodded as both of the boys and yourself looked ahead, just ready to get out of there.

Before anyone began talking again, which wouldn’t be for awhile given the awkwardness of Dean being heartbroken, and with you and Sam kind of ignoring each other, you decided that now was probably the best time to catch up on the sleep you’d missed out on last night.

Only your dreams wouldn’t let you rest either. You weren’t sure who was with you, but you could tell that it wasn’t Sam. But you felt at peace. You felt as if you weren’t in pain, as if there wasn’t a single problem in the world. There was light, warmth, and just… happiness. You were aware that you were dreaming, you usually were. And this place that you were in… it wasn’t on Earth. And though you seemed to be visiting this place in your dream, you couldn’t shove away the pressing feeling that you would soon be here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is encouraged! It’s what keeps me going <3


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everything goes south when the door to purgatory is opened. (From 6.22 - The Man Who Knew Too Much)

You had been waiting in the Impala while Sam, Dean, and Bobby went down an alley to meet Eleanor Visyak- the woman who once gave Dean the weapon needed to help off that dragon you had been hunting. Though as it turned out, when Bobby had gone to find a way to open purgatory, she ended up being the purgatory native (which just happened to be needed) to open the door.

Luckily for the four of you though, she was on your side. You weren’t entirely sure why she’d called Bobby to meet her, but after sitting in the car for a few minutes, your stomach had begun to twist and turn, like something awful was about to happen.

You were unsure if you closed the door behind you, and you didn’t really care, nor did you remember getting out of the car. Something told you to get to everyone, and to get there  _now_. You ran, as fast as you could, and just as you laid eyes on them after you turned the corner, you noticed that Cas was there. He’d vanished before reappearing behind Sam, and  _fuck_  you couldn’t hear what anyone was saying.

You slowed as you got closer to them, and just as Cas had his fingers held to Sam’s temple, you shouted, “Cas, stop!”  _What the hell are you doing, Cas?_  You thought and half prayed.

He heard you, because as soon as he removed his hand, Sam fell to the ground unconscious, and he looked at you with the same look that he gave you in the hospital. But then he was gone.

“Dammit!” you yelled as Dean and Bobby rushed forward to Sam. You rushed forward,  and when you got to them you fell to your knees. “What the fuck did he do?”

“I-I don’t know,” Dean said. He was clearly panicking as he looked down at his brother. Dean placed a hand on his cheek, begging for Sam to wake up. You were kneeling next to Sam’s head, and all you could do was stare.

“Come on you guys get him up!” Bobby shouted, just as pissed as you and Dean were, but in less shock.

The three of you got Sam off of the ground and back to the Impala as quickly as you could. He was definitely heavier than he looked. You had never been as pissed as you were in that moment, or at least that’s how it felt. Maybe it was the fact that you were hopeful that Cas would take it all back, and make it all up to you.

Castiel would have no chance for that now.

-

Bobby’s panic room never really seemed to be used for panicking. Most of the time, it seemed to be used for when someone was unconscious, or to lock someone in. Right now, Sam was lying on the bed, unconscious, much like he was after Death had put his soul back in his body.

You remembered it like it was yesterday; sitting on the stairs while Cas checked on him as Dean stood next to you, just days after you’d miscarried. You felt everything now that you’d felt then. The loss, the heartbreak, the will for Sam to just wake up already, for him to be okay. This time, Castiel had torn down the wall that kept all of Sam’s memories from his time in the cage with Lucifer locked away, and you planned on killing him for it. You would first make him fix your Sam, and then he’d pay.

Now you found yourself on the floor, next to the old mattress that was held up by just a rusty old metal frame. Just as you were months ago, you had his hand in yours, the other hand in his hair as you stared at him with sad eyes.

“Sammy,” Dean said, and your lip quivered when you saw him look at Sam, and then at you, knowing just how much pain you were in. Hell, he was in pain too. “Come on, snap out of it.”

“Dean,” you croaked.

“He’ll wake up,” he said in a promising tone.

You sniffed as tears fell, and you rested your head against the mattress, willing yourself to fall asleep, hoping that when you woke up, Sam would be awake too. Hoping that when he woke up, you could jump into his lap like you did months ago, and kiss him deeply, tell him you love him, and be with him again. You needed Sam, and you were done with this stupid break up. It’s Sam. It’s always been Sam.

-

You had, in fact, managed to doze off, but when you lifted to your head to the sound of the Stones softly playing, you were disappointed to see that Sam was still out of it.

“Baby,” you whispered, “ _please_ , come back to me again. You did it once.” You tightened your grip on his hand, and brought it to your lips as you begged, “I know you can do it again.”

“You should eat,” you heard Dean say as he walked back into the room.  
  
“I’m fine,” you assured him.

“Then so am I.” he said with a smirk as he walked over to the head of the bed, just pacing around.

You looked up, only for a moment. You could see that Dean had at least pulled himself together some, but that was about it. There was no doubt that in his head he was running around in circles and trying to figure out what to do.

“Anything?” you heard Bobby ask from behind you as he stepped into the room.

“We can’t just sit here Bobby,” Dean said. You just listened to them talk as you rested your head back on the mattress. Well, actually, you weren’t really listening. You were just thinking about everything. And nothing. All at the same time. You heard Dean say something about dreamscaping Sam’s head, and you heard Bobby say something about Cas breaking down the dam inside Sam’s mind.

You began to feel panicky again, like it was all too much. But that really kicked in when Dean started yelling. You caught that there was a mere sixteen hours until Cas and Crowley planned on opening up purgatory, and this just wasn’t… it wasn’t how things were supposed to happen.

Closing your eyes, you began to silently pray to Castiel. Tuning the arguing out, trying to tune the world out. _I hate you, Cas._  you prayed,  _you stupid asshole. You were our family, one of us. And you had to go and fuck it all up for some fucking souls._

After letting Cas know how you really felt, you checked out, again. Letting sleep be your only solace during this awful time.

-

Tears escaped your eyes when you woke again, regardless if they were closed, you were still hoping that this would just all go away. You had to pry yourself off of Sam, not wanting to leave his side. Standing up and groaning from your legs being sore, you ignored Bobby and Dean while they were there, still trying to figure out what to do. Luckily they ignored you as you left the panic room. You took in a deep, shaky breath as you walked through the basement and up the stairs before stomping outside, just as angry as ever, and made your way to the nearest junk car.

The moon lit up the sky, providing you with just enough light to see as you swung your leg, and kicked the door as hard as you could. Your breathing was heavy and a sweat began to break out across your forehead. Tears freely streamed down your face, and all you could see was red as finally after weeks you’d had enough. Your chest tightened, you heard ringing in your ears, this was it, this was your breaking point.

Fuck trying to hold back the panicking. You weren’t doing it anymore.

You screamed. Loudly, and finally. You let it all out, until your mouth was dry, until your throat was sore. You started working on trying to bust out one of the car’s windows with your elbow. You screamed again as the window began to crack and you took a moment to swing your foot up and kick off the mirror, and you watched as the glass shattered on the ground, still crying and screaming as if you were a spoiled child who didn’t get their way.

The window finally shattered on what had to be your fifteenth try, and you were lucky you had your jacket on and didn’t cut yourself, but if you were being totally honest, you wouldn’t have cared if you did. After what didn’t seem nearly long enough, you felt drained, and you stood back, freezing in place before you dropped to your knees.

Unclenching your hands that you hadn’t realized were balled up into fists, you looked down at them, noticing the small indents on your palm from where your fingernails almost broke through your skin. Your entire body was trembling as Dean finally came running out of the house, probably thinking that something was seriously wrong, but stopped just feet in front of you when he noticed what’d happened.

“Y/N..” he trailed off, taking a deep breath before getting down on the ground with you without a second thought, and pulling you into him without even so much as asking.

You were unresponsive, but you let him. You let Dean hold you in his arms, willing your body to relax as you tried to forget, even if it was only for a moment. It wouldn’t have been any surprise if you tried to speak and no voice came out, your throat felt raw and all you could think of was going in and taking a long drink of the strongest alcohol you could find. But Dean pulled you down off of your knees, and finally, you melted into him.

But it didn’t feel right. Dean was the one in need of comfort right now, not you. You felt selfish for not being able to worry about him, for being so caught up in your own feelings. But that was just it. You’d spent so much time lately focused on everyone else, that all of your own emotions were finally boiling over.

As you both sat there on the ground, Dean’s hand running through your hair, you focused on his heartbeat while you attempted to take deep breaths.

“Sweetheart, we have to go.” he told you, and you were able to pull yourself away, but still unable to speak, unable to think.

“ _S-sam_.” you stuttered, your voice cracked and dry from screaming, just as you expected it to be.

“Balthazar showed up while you were asleep, gave us an address.” he added, and… it was like you were watching him from inside some sort of bubble, almost like you were possessed… but somehow, you were in control. Though you didn’t want to be.

Dean held your face in his hands as you still sat between his legs on the ground. He didn’t know what else to do to comfort you, he didn’t know what else he could do. Dean wiped your tears, and brushed the hair out of your face. You weren’t thinking, not clearly, anyway, and with him looking into your eyes the way he was, your first reaction was to lean in and kiss him.

So you did. You leaned forward the few centimeters that were between the two of you, closing the distance that kept you and him apart, and you crashed your lips into his.

He felt different than Sam… he was hesitant, but he went with it. His lips were softer- they trembled. He kissed you back with something different than Sam usually did; with something that was genuine and something else that could only be described as just… Dean.

It wasn’t love, it wasn’t lust, it was just…  _Dean_. It was comfort, it was the need for physical contact. Your tongue slid into his mouth, tasting the cheap whiskey on his tongue as his lips moved against yours. His hand had slid back into your hair and your hands had slid up to cup his face, but just as quickly as it had begun, it ended. Both of you pulled away at the same time, shocked that had actually happened.

His hands untangled from your hair and your hands fell from his face. But you both just sat there, staring at each other. You didn’t feel guilty… but at the same time, you didn’t know what you felt. It was something… unfamiliar.

“We uh,” you began as you stood up, Dean quickly doing the same.

“We should go.” he finished your sentence for you, and walked back towards Bobby’s house as you stood there.

“Yeah.” you agreed, even though Dean was way out of earshot by the time you spoke.

-

Dean had left behind the piece of paper with the address of Castiel and Crowley’s hideout. The only thing you could do on the entire ride there was hope that Sam would wake up and catch up to you, Dean, and Bobby. Sooner rather than later.

You were getting some things out of the trunk as Dean and Bobby looked out on the building, trying to figure out the best way to get in. The night was well lit by the full moon, but the three of you needed to get moving, and get moving now.

“We ready?” you asked. You had finally been able to pull yourself together, thank god.

“Yeah, wait.” Dean said, “You hear that?”

There was a low rumbling just then, as you stood between Dean and Bobby. Something was… not right. It sounded like thunder, but when the three of you looked up into the sky, where the moon was, you saw a shit ton of demons coming in, “Holy mother of…” Bobby trailed off.

“Get in the car,  _get in the car!_ ” Dean shouted, and the three of you rushed back to the Impala. You and Dean crammed in the front seat and Bobby got in the back. Dean started the engine, but before he could get anywhere, the car was engulfed in a cloud of black demon smoke just as it was flipped over.

You screamed, falling to the roof of the car. Luckily you only felt a few scrapes on your face, and you didn’t hear any bones cracking. In the blink of an eye, the demons were gone and the car had settled.

“Everybody alright?” Dean asked.

“Uh-huh” you groaned as you began to sit up so that you could try and crawl out.

“Bobby?” Dean shouted.

“Been better.” he said as kicked his door open.

You pulled the sleeves of your jacket up over your hands to protect them from the broken glass, checking your inner pocket to ensure that the angel blade you had stashed was still there. Once Dean was out, he reached for you and you reached out to grab his hand to help you out and up.

The three of you ran as fast as you could to the building, the demons seemingly gone as you booked it to the door.

“What’s the plan?” you shouted.

“Stop those two dumbasses before they open purgatory!” Dean answered.

“That’s all you’ve got?” you yelled back.  
  
“All we have time for.” Dean responded. The three of you ran in, looking every which way until you heard shouting. It was Crowley’s voice, you recognized it right away. The closer the three of you got, you became aware that they had already started the spell to open purgatory.

Slowed down as you all approached a door, Bobby was ahead of you both, and motioned for you and Dean to be quiet as he slowly pushed the door open. When the three of you stepped onto the staircase that was at the door, you noticed that there was no Castiel. Only Crowley and… Raphael?

Maybe Raphael killed Cas before either of you got to it. That would be the only reason that he wasn’t here, right? You, Dean, and Bobby exchanged looks, and Dean took out his angel blade, aiming it right for Raphael. He took a deep breath in, and threw it. You watched as it flew down to Raphael, and you watched as he caught it with little effort.

_Shit_.

Crowley stopped with his spell and turned to look at the three of you, followed by Raphael turning as well. You just stood and stared, until with the flick of his wrist, Crowley tossed Bobby down the stairs, flipped Dean over them, causing him to fall what had to be at least eight feet feet to the floor, and then Crowley took one look at you before deciding to do the same as he did with Dean. You cried out as you landed on the ground next to where Dean had landed on a table.

“Y/N-” he groaned. You were in a lot of pain, but you’d manage.

“F-fine.” you said.

“We’re busy here.” Crowley said before turning back around, “Be with you in a moment.”

He continued with the spell, and Dean rolled onto his back so that he could reach you, and try to help you. But you were fine. Well, as fine as you could be. You lifted your head and looked up as the spell finished, but nothing happened.

At least that could work in your favor, possibly.

“Maybe I said it wrong.” Crowley said.

“You said it perfectly.” You looked behind Crowley to see Cas, who was holding a jar of blood, “But what you needed was this.”

You, Dean, and Bobby finally had a moment to get up off of the floor, which was a slow, painful process and you’d be sore as hell in the morning, but that wasn’t something to worry about right now.  Castiel looked over at the three of you, with a look on his face that said he’d had a plan, and one that told you he’d switched teams. Or, that’s what you hoped that look meant.

“I see,” Crowley responded, annoyed, as he turned back to the spell work they’d done on the wall in the blood that was apparently the wrong blood, “and we’ve been working with…” he’d stepped forward and taken some of the blood on his finger before he brought it to his lips to taste it, “Dog blood. Naturally.”

“Enough of these games Castiel,” Raphael said, “give us the blood.”

“You-” Crowley began, pointing at Cas, “Game’s over, his jar’s empty. So, Castiel, how did your ritual go? Better than ours I’ll bet.”

You continued to watch as Castiel closed his eyes, and looked down. The room shook slightly as a golden light emanated from him, a warm one, a calming one, but also what felt like a dangerous one. You, Dean, and Bobby all had to cover your eyes as it got even brighter, filling the entire room, and you wouldn’t be surprised if it had filled the entire building.

When it faded away, and you were able to open your eyes again. You saw Cas smirking at Crowley and Raphael before he said, “You can’t imagine what it’s like. They’re all inside me. Millions, upon millions of souls.” his voice was different. The same, but much, much, different.

“Sounds sexy,” Crowley snarked, “exit stage Crowley.” And in the blink of an eye, he was gone.

Raphael looked to the side, worried as Cas said, “Now what’s the matter Raphael? Somebody clip your wings?”  

You hadn’t realized it before, but as Raphael begged Cas to stop this, you realized it. Your whole body was trembling. You had that feeling in the pit of your stomach that something was about to go dangerously, terribly wrong. Your heart pounded in your chest and you damn near huddled next to Dean as Castiel raised his hand, snapped his fingers, and killed Raphael. It was the same way you saw Lucifer kill Cas when the big fight with Michael was supposed to go down.

Then Cas turned to all of you next, “So, you see, I saved you.” He paced around the room, proud of his work.

“You sure did Cas, thank you.” Dean said, just as scared out of his wits as you were. This was not what was supposed to happen. Why did Cas have to be so stupid sometimes?

But you took a deep breath, and you pulled your angel blade from the inside of your jacket, and made eye contact with Dean before you stepped towards Cas.

“You doubted me,” Cas began, “you fought against me,” he turned around, “but I was right all along.”

You kept your hand in your jacket, hoping that Castiel didn’t see what you were doing, “Kay, Cas, you were. We’re sorry.” you said.

“Let’s just defuse you, okay?” Dean suggested calmly.

“What do you mean?” he asked.

“You’re full of nuke. It’s not safe.” Dean responded, “Before the eclipse ends, let’s get them souls back to where they belong.”

“Oh no, they belong with me.” Cas said.

“N-no, Cas, this isn’t you. It’s scrambling your brain.” you added.

“No I’m not finished yet.” he said, looking at you, “Raphael had many followers, and I must… punish them all severely.”

Well that didn’t sound pleasant.

“Cas,” you began, stepping forward, closer to him, “Things are fucked right now. But we were family. I would’ve died for you, we all would have.” you motioned back between Bobby and Dean, both of them nodding in agreement.

“I almost did a few times.” Dean added, “So if that means anything to you… please. I’ve lost Ben, I’ve lost Lisa, and now I’ve lost Sam. Don’t make me lose you too.”

“You don’t need this power anymore, Cas!” you raised your voice slightly, “get rid of it before it kills us all!”

“You’re both just saying that because I won.” Cas said, looking down for a moment, “Because you’re afraid.”

Cas walked passed you, and up to Dean, going on about how he was no longer family. Saying he had no family. This is it.  _This is the end_ , you thought. But then you looked up in shock, as an angel blade went right through Cas’ back.

Sam finally had made it.

You all looked at Sam in shock, and then you looked back at Cas, in even more shock as nothing happened. There was no white light as Cas died, because he didn’t die. The angel blade did nothing. Castiel reached around behind him, and pulled the blade out with ease. Sam almost fell back. He looked weak. But  _god_  it was good to see him alive.

That’s when you finally pull out your blade out, and step forward. Maybe Cas needed a second hit. But before you could so much as draw the blade back to give it a shot, you felt your skin on your abdomen tear as Castiel shoved his blade into you.

It took a moment for the pain to hit you, and normally in a situation like this, the adrenaline alone would’ve kept you from feeling any pain at all. But it was as if time stopped just then, and that’s when the pain hit.

You first fell to your knees, gripping onto the angel blade that had just pierced through your stomach. Then you fell down, onto your side, before rolling onto your back. You couldn’t breathe, your vision started to become blurry, everything sounded as if it was a mile away. You coughed a couple of times when the blood started to come up your throat. Sam, Dean, and Bobby all tried to get to you, to help you. But Cas wouldn’t allow them to move.

_This_  was it.

You looked around, unable to speak, unable to scream, unable to tell Sam that you loved him one last time. Staring up at the ceiling, and watching as the room faded to black, you felt your own blood pooling around you, soaking your clothes, and your hair. You felt hot and dizzy as more blood left your body.

It felt like it was happening so fast. You knew that bleeding out took a few minutes at  _least_  in most cases. But this felt… so different. Was it Cas? Was it the size of the blade that you hadn’t managed to pull out?

Suddenly, you were unable to think.

Castiel’s face was the last thing you saw before you died. As your head fell to the side as any strength you had left faded away, you could see just how pleased with himself he was.

Your vision then faded to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Feedback is encouraged! It’s what keeps me going <3


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When’s Sam’s hallucinations land him in the hospital after getting hit by a car, Dean searches for answers. He never imagined he’d find what he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this part took so long everyone! I had taken a break for a couple of weeks to get caught up with writing, and then Christmas happened, and then after Christmas my son got sick... and then I got SUPER sick. So writing didn't happen for a really long time. But I'm getting there again! So here it is. I hope you guys don't hate me too much for making you wait this long. <3

Between the hallucinations, the insomnia, and the constant worry of knowing that you were out there somewhere,  _alive_ , and had been for months was damn near enough to kill Sam.

He hadn’t found out until just recently that you were back.

Dean didn’t tell him.

And now Sam was in a psychiatric ward. Pained with visions of Lucifer himself, and the occasional glimpse of your dead body that he let Sam see. He was ready to die, more or less. By the time he learned that you were back, he couldn’t function properly.

Castiel had told Dean, just before the leviathans took over his vessel that he’d brought you back. Unfortunately, he couldn’t hold on long enough to tell them where you were. How in the hell Dean had talked Bobby into keeping it a secret… Sam didn’t know. And he didn’t exactly give him the chance to tell him the truth, either.

Sam was beyond pissed. He was furious. He felt betrayed, and broken; his heart shattered all over again. There had been too much loss over the last year. First you, then Cas, then Bobby… it was a miracle the boys were even still functioning.

Well, Sam wasn’t really functioning. Though that wasn’t really his fault.

But Dean set off on a mission to get Sam the help that he needed. To get that damned wall in his head put back up… or something. Anything, at this point. Which was why he’d driven all the way to Colorado, to look for a man named Emmanuel, and his wife… Y/N

It crossed his mind. More than once. More than twice. Could it have been you? Though a first name wasn’t much to hold on to… it was more than Dean had in months.

And his heart was pounding as he walked up the steps of this Emmanuel’s house. This had to work. Sam needed to be fixed. This guy  _had_  to be the real deal.

-

You struggled about as the man who had you tied to the chair left the room, wishing that your shouts could be heard. But the cloth that was tied over your mouth didn’t let much of anything escape.

When you looked up and to the side, you made brief eye contact with a man who appeared to be just as alarmed as you were. You wanted to scream at him to help, to shout at him and tell him that the man who’d answered the door  _wasn’t_  Emmanuel.

The fight didn’t last long from what you could tell. You heard the glass of your front door shatter as things turned, and you could swear that the man who was holding you captive had… black eyes?

No. This wasn’t… this wasn’t normal. Just then, you closed your eyes, hoping it would all stop. That Emmanuel would walk through that door any second.

When things went silent for a moment, you glanced out of your window again to see the man who had knocked on your door only moments ago, and Emmanuel walking towards the door. The feeling of safety washed over you as Emmanuel rushed inside, upon seeing you through the window.

He walked straight to you, until he was behind the chair, the first thing he did was until the cloth that covered your mouth.

“Did that creature hurt you?” he asked, looking down at you as you attempted to calm down, you were shaking, and your heart was pounding.

“I’m okay.” you answered as he untied the rope that bound you to the chair.

As soon as you could move your arms, you grabbed the rope and threw it down so that you could stand. Emmanuel had his arms wrapped around you quicker than you could imagine and once again, you felt safe.

“Emmanuel,” you said as he kissed the top of your head, “they were looking for you.”

Though safe, as you knew you would be in your loving husband’s arms, you were still scared that someone might be after him.

“It’s okay.” he assured you as he pulled away and took your hand in his.

The man that saved you stood in the doorway, looking at both you and your husband with pure shock. Ironically, as if he’d just seen a ghost. You and Emmanuel both stepped towards him to talk, and to thank him.

“I’m Emmanuel.” He said as he held his hand out.

“Dean… I’m Dean.” he said as he held his hand out as well to shake your husband’s hand.

Dean. The name sounded so familiar. You of course shook that thought off, Dean was a pretty common name. There was no way you knew him.

“Thank you for protecting my wife.” Emmanuel said. There was such sincerity in his eyes… it was one of the many things you loved about him.

This Dean… he was broken. You weren’t sure about what. But there was pain written all over his face and you only hoped that your husband could help.

“You’re wife. Right.” Dean said as he looked between you and Emmanuel.

Emmanuel turned to you just then, as you were looking up at him, “I saw his face. His real face.”

“He was a demon.” Dean said, pulling your attention directly to him. You could swear he flinched each time you looked at him.

“A demon walked the Earth…” Emmanuel said, before looking down at you again. You had one hand on his chest and the other on his arm, scared to even think about letting him go.

And… demons? Demons could not take your husband.

“ _Demons_.” Dean emphasized, “Whackloads of them. You don’t know about…”

Emmanuel looked back up at Dean just then as his free hand moved over to your lower abdomen. He’d been so protective of you, most of the time without fear, but now… you were seeing just the smallest hint of fear in his eyes.

“You saw the demon’s true face.” you added. Your hand still on his chest as he exchanged a confused look with Dean. When Dean looked at you, you said, “Emmanuel has very special gifts.”

“Yeah,” Dean answered, “I-I’ve heard that about uh… Emmanuel. That you can heal people up.”

“I seem to be able to help to a certain to degree.” Emmanuel said, “What’s your issue?”

Dean went on to tell you and Emmanuel about his brother, Sam. About how he saw these hallucinations and couldn’t sleep. It sounded just awful. Unlike anything you’d ever heard. You hoped with all of your heart that your husband could help. You had faith in him. You believed in him. He could do amazing things.

-

By the time nighttime rolled around, you and Emmanuel found yourselves in Dean’s car, driving to the hospital in which his brother resided. At first, he seemed reluctant to let you come along. But there was just something… and you weren’t sure what, but there was something that told you to tag along.

You sat in the back seat of the car, Emmanuel sat up front with Dean. Dean was a nice man it seemed. Though you couldn’t shake this strange feeling you had about him. It wasn’t a bad feeling by any means. But it was… something.

“So, Y/N,” Dean began, “well, and Emmanuel… how’d you two meet?”

“Well, I found him.” you said.

“Meaning?” Dean asked.

“It’s a… strange story,” Emmanuel said, “you may not like it.”

Dean nodded, and offered a small smile,  “Believe me, I will.”

You grinned then, and Emmanuel turned back to look at you as you both agreed to tell the bizarre little story.

“A few months ago… I was hiking by the river,” you began, “and I didn’t- I didn’t have any memories prior to this hike. Like I know where I came from… who my parents are and who I am… but this hike was… it.”

“And then I wandered into her path,” Emmanuel added, “drenched and confused and…”

“Naked.” you said, now almost laughing, “He was totally naked.”

“I had no memory, either.” he said.

“And then I realized,” you began, “why I must’ve been out by the river. Why I must’ve had no prior memories.”

Emmanuel looked back at you then, smiling as he listened to you tell the rest of the story, “God wanted me to find him.”

Dean smiled a little bit at the strange and heartwarming story as he asked, “So who named you Emmanuel?” 

“Bouncybabynames.com.” you and Emmanuel said in unison.

“Well it’s workin’ for ya.” Dean said, “Must be weird not knowing who you are.”

“Well, it’s my life. And it’s a good life.” Emmanuel said.

“Yeah, well what if you were some kind of… I don’t know, bad guy?” Dean asked. Earning a strange look from you.

“Oh I… I don’t feel like a bad person.” Emmanuel said.

That was it for the conversation, for a while at least… and with as tired as you had been lately, you’d fallen asleep.

-

You didn’t wake until morning, and when you did, the car was stopped. Dean was gone and it was just you and your husband.

“Hey there.” Emmanuel said, turning around to look at you, “how’re you feeling?”

“Um.” you said, “Move.”

He quickly got out of the car and pulled the seat forward so that you could get out. Though he didn’t seem to be moving quickly enough. He grabbed your arm to help you out of the small car and before you could say anything you were on the ground, on your hands and knees, emptying the contents of your stomach onto a small patch of grass.

“Is the morning sickness still as bad as before?” he asked as he kneeled down next to you to gather your hair into his hand and rub your back.

You nodded, still getting sick and showing no signs of stopping. When this happened, you got angry and you wanted to scream at your husband for doing this to you. But you knew it was just your hormones.

You couldn’t be anymore grateful to be carrying his child.

“Dean’s inside the convenience store getting food and drinks.” he added.

Nodding again, and finally feeling like you were done puking for a moment, you scooted back and sat down on the ground out of the way of where you’d just vomited and leaned against the car.

“I hope this ends soon.” you said.

“So do I.” Emmanuel said as he leaned down to kiss your forehead.

A few minutes later, you were able to stand up with the help of your husband. You leaned on him as you both waited for Dean to get done.

This time, he was walking back out with a girl… a brunette that appeared to have a little bit of attitude to her. Well, she didn’t just appear to have a bit of attitude to her. It was written all over her. In the way she walked, in the look she had on her face… everything.

When Emmanuel saw her, he began to panic and pull you in closer, “Her face! She’s one of…”

“It’s okay,” the girl said, “we come in different flavors.”

A demon. Okay, this girl was a demon.

“She’s uh… a friend.” Dean added.

“Meg.” She said, “Just here for moral support. I mean after all we go way back.”

Meg looked between the two of you, she was talking to both of you. Weird.

“Dean and me.” she corrected herself, though she wasn’t really fooling anyone. “Just met you two of course.”

Meg stepped forward, looking both you and Emmanuel up and down. Knowing she was a demon sort of made you a little queasy, like you might get sick again. “I think we’re all gonna be great friends, too.” she said.

“Alright, can we go?” Dean asked as he motioned for Meg to move. It was obvious he wasn’t crazy about working with a demon.

When Meg moved over to get into the car, Dean looked at you, “You alright?”

“She’s just… morning sickness.” Emmanuel answered for you.

Dean practically choked on his spit, “M-morning sickness?” he repeated.

“Yeah.” you said, “we just found out about a week ago.” you placed your hand over your lower abdomen and smiled, though you couldn’t ignore the look of disbelief on Dean’s face. He wanted to say something. You could feel it. But you also couldn’t really do anything about it right now… so you just moved to get into the car.

-

It was nighttime again before you all arrived at the hospital where Dean’s brother, Sam was. And the bad news was that there was demons everywhere.

Emmanuel held you close while Meg and Dean looked down on all of them, trying to figure out what to do.

But it was when you and Emmanuel overheard Dean and Meg having a word that it clicked for both of you.

“I take it we know each other.” Emmanuel said to Dean.

“Just a dollop.” Meg said.

“You can tell me– us. We can handle it.” he answered.

“How do you know?” Dean asked, “You both just met yourselves… and each other. I’ve known you for years.”

“You’re an angel.” Meg blurted out at Emmanuel before looking at you, “And you’re Sammy’s little girlfriend.”

“I’m sorry,” Emmanuel said, “Is that a flirtation?”

“Sam…” you said, disregarding what Meg had just said to your husband. You searched your mind for any memories at all… but you didn’t remember Sam. Not one bit.

“No, it’s a species.” Meg said, “A very powerful one.”

“She’s not lying.” Dean added, “Okay? That’s why you heal people… you don’t eat. I’m sure there’s more.”

This was all… so much to take in.

“And Y/N…” Dean said, “sweetheart…” he trailed off again, shaking his head like he didn’t know what to say, “you’ve been with us for years. You’re our family. Both of you are.”

You took a deep shaky breath, not sure how any of this was possible. Was it possible? Did you really know Dean and Sam for all this time? And Emmanuel?

“Why wouldn’t you tell us this?” your husband questioned, “Being an angel… it sounds pleasant.”

“It’s not, trust me.” Dean said, “It’s bloody, it’s corrupt. It’s not pleasant.”

“He would know,” Meg added, “you used to fight together. Bestest friends actually.”

“We’re friends?” Emmanuel asked before pausing for a moment, “Am I Cas?”

The look on Dean and Meg’s faces said it all. Your husband was in fact Castiel. There were tears in your eyes as Castiel then went on, “I-I had no idea. And I’m sorry, I-I don’t remember you.”

“Look,” Meg said, “You got the juice. You can smite every demon in that lot.”

Cas turned then, away from you. It was the first time since you’d met him that he’d pulled away and felt so… so cold, “But I don’t remember how.” he said.

“It’s in there,” Dean said, “I’m sure it’s just like riding a bike.”

“I don’t know how to do that either.” Cas said.

That’s when you stepped forward, around to face him, “You can do it.” you said.

He saw how upset you were then, and reached out to take you into his arms. You both knew what all of this probably meant… and you weren’t ready to face it. It probably meant that the two of you couldn’t be together anymore. Which… would be complicated now knowing that you were pregnant with his child.

“I won’t stop loving you Y/N,” he said, “I won’t stop loving either of you.”

“I know.” you replied as tears fell from your eyes and began streaming down your face. But now… you just wish you could remember.

You looked up at Cas then, into his eyes that would never lose their beautiful blue sparkle. He leaned down and placed his lips against yours, both of you fearful that it could be your last kiss. Could he really kill all of those demons?

He pulled away quickly, not wanting to make the situation anymore painful than it already was. Castiel left then, to go down and try to do this. To try and save Sam.

Dean put his hand on your shoulder, he felt familiar. You truly believed now that you knew him.

“This isn’t gonna go well.” he said, just as worried as you were.

“I don’t know.” Meh shrugged, “I believe in the little tree topper.”

After that, the three of you just watched.

It wasn’t really a surprise, because you believed in him… he was your husband after all. But Cas had pretty quickly started taking out demon after demon. He did it like it was nothing.

When he was done, the three of you made your way down to him. You were scared and excited all at once.

“I remember you.” Cas said, turning around to look at the three of you, “I remember everything.”

That’s when he turned to you, and brought two fingers to your forehead. You felt his power move through you just then. It was warm and light and sort of tingly. And then you saw… you saw everything.   
  
You saw Sam, years ago in a Biggerson’s diner after having won some big award for being the millionth customer or something like that. It was the first time you saw him, and you immediately knew there was something special about him. From that day on you were with the Winchesters indefinitely.  

Other memories flashed before you. You saw Lucifer, using Sam as his vessel. There were many flashes of Cas, Dean, and Bobby, and then suddenly, you saw the moment in which Castiel had shoved an angel blade right through you and ended your life.

And that’s all you knew now. Any recollection of the last few months was gone. When you opened your eyes, you were more than confused to be standing in this parking lot with Dean, Meg, and Cas.

“W-what, how?” you asked, looking between the three of them.

“Welcome back.” Dean said, and before anyone could say anything else, you were rushing ahead and wrapping your arms around him.  

“What’s going on?” you asked.

“A lot.” he answered, “but right now we gotta go save Sam.”

-

Sam was a total mess. You’d never seen him look so tired, so broken down, or so… defeated. You were in tears instantly upon seeing him. Upon him thinking that you were Lucifer. And the worst part was… Cas didn’t know if he could fix him.

Castiel felt horrible as well. He never imagined that it would be this bad for Sam. And though you wanted to be mad at him for being the one to do this… you couldn’t be.

Besides… Cas was going to be the father of your child… apparently.

Yeah, you didn’t remember that either.

You had no memory of anything that had happened over the last few months. That included the time you spent living as Castiel’s wife. You thought that maybe one day, if the time was right you and Sam would have a baby together… you never imagined this.

But Cas explained to you as you were heading up to get Sam… the last few months would have drastically complicated anything that you and Sam still had. There was however nothing he could really do about the baby. All of you were aware that because you were pregnant by Cas… it was a nephilim that you were carrying. But that was an issue for another day. Right now, Sam was your main concern.

Only Cas couldn’t fix Sam. He was only able to as he put it… shift his hallucinations. Which left Cas with the visions of Lucifer. And that was equally as hard to watch.

You might not have been in love with Cas anymore, but you did still have some feelings for him. Feelings that were undeniable. They were the reason Sam broke things off with you in the first place.

Which was why when it was time to leave Cas in the hospital, Sam and Dean practically had to drag you out. You didn’t want to leave him there. Sam held you in his arms in the back seat of the car as Dean assured you that this was safer. The three of you couldn’t protect Cas right now. This was the best option.

As for you and Sam… well, that was all you had to worry about for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Feedback is encouraged! It's what keeps me going <3


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In one of the few moments of down time there seems to be these days, you and Sam rekindle.

So, you’d missed a lot.

For starters, leviathans sounded awful. And you felt terrible that Sam and Dean had to deal with them for all of these months on their own - especially without Bobby, which was a whole other issue.

On top of being pregnant, you were taking in all of this new information about this crazy, human-hungry species. You were grieving the death of the man you thought of as your father, and you were overwhelmed.

Bobby had recently made you all aware that he was still hanging around. You wished of course that you could’ve said goodbye to him when he was still alive… but his ghost was apparently the best you were going to get. Even still, it was all incredibly hard to deal with.

So Sam and Dean had been taking it as slow as they possibly could for you.

Unfortunately, your pregnancy made the smell of the old cabin you’d all been staying in intolerable. So every few nights, the boys would take you to a nearby motel. The smell in the motel wasn’t  _much_  better, but it didn’t make you want to throw up upon entering the room.

That’s where Sam had insisted on taking you tonight. You had been trying to tough it out for as long as you could at the cabin, but the look on your face must’ve said that you needed to get out of there.

The motel room was small. There was single bed. Typically, Sam and Dean would rent two rooms to give you your own space. That’s what Sam had planned on doing when he took you this time, but you insisted he stay in the room with you.

You were just tired of being alone. And besides, you and Sam had some things to talk about. You’d both been close since you were back. There was no way around being close to him. You would talk and talk for hours. Sam would tell you about what’d been happening over the last several months, you’d tell him how the pregnancy was making you feel. The two of you would try and research nephilims, though you kept coming up short.

But neither of you had talked about your feelings for each other, or getting back together. And you wanted to… you wanted to talk about it and possibly… get back together.

You still loved Sam. More than anything.

There were some feelings there for Castiel. You couldn’t deny that. But you didn’t love him. You weren’t in love with him. Maybe you would’ve been if he’d left your memories from the last several months… but he insisted on not doing that. Cas wanted to make things right.

The door of the motel room closet was a full length mirror. After you showered in the motel, you would look at yourself. You would look at how quickly your body was changing. The baby was growing fast, so you already had a small bump. You noticed your breasts increasing in size, your face looked a little fuller, and your skin had a glow to it that wasn’t there before. Your hips were wider, and in some strange way you felt a little taller.

One of the unfortunate things about being pregnant (especially without even knowing how far along you were) was being hot and uncomfortable. None of your old clothes fit, you couldn’t button your jeans. Most of your shirts were starting to become more short.

The most comfortable thing you owned to wear was… well, nothing. You had an oversized tshirt that you’d cut into a crop top, and when you were sleeping you couldn’t bring yourself to wear more besides that and a pair of panties.

You stood in the mirror, admiring your growing tummy as Sam sat at the small table in the room, doing research on his computer. Him and Dean were still trying figure out a lot about what this Dick Roman was up to, and it took up a lot of time. You did what you could, but there honestly wasn’t much more that could be done.

There were small stretch marks beginning to form on the sides of your stomach which you traced with the tips of your fingers. You kind of liked them. They made you feel more… you.

“I felt the baby move today,” you said, trying to start a light conversation with Sam.

He looked up at you, a glimmer of sadness in his eyes, yet he smiled as he said, “Yeah?”

“Well, I think I did,” you said, “it almost felt like he made a little flip.”

You could tell that seeing you pregnant hurt Sam. After the tiny bit of time you were pregnant with his child last year, you both felt that seeing you pregnant again this soon didn’t seem possible.

Sam just looked at your small bump as you rubbed your belly while looking in the mirror. “You look good,” he said.

Looking over, you smiled at him.

“Beautiful, actually,” Sam corrected himself.

Your head tilted to the side slightly as your heart skipped a beat. You missed Sam saying things like that. And though being pregnant didn’t make you feel bad about yourself, you did feel different, and it was nice to hear that he thought you were beautiful.

“Thank you,” you said. You wiped a tear from the corner of your eye that you hadn’t realized was there. Hormones.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“Yeah,” you said, now walking to sit down at the foot of the bed. “Everything makes me cry now.”

Sam only glanced between you and his laptop, not really sure what to say or do. He was aware that you were extra emotional right now, but he wasn’t too sure of how to handle it.

“You wanna do anything?” he asked, “We can get food or rent a movie or something.”

You shook your head as you wiped a few more tears, just before you looked up at him. You realized that this was probably the best opportunity you would have to say how you felt. 

“Can I have you?” you asked with a cracked voice.

Sam tried to speak, and for a moment nothing came out. You were almost certain that he was getting ready to cry as well. It was obvious that he wanted you too. He decided to close his laptop then, and instead of saying anything, he just stood, and walked over to where you sat on the bed.

Without waiting for him to say anything, you scooted up on the bed, and as you did so, Sam came down on top of you and rested between your legs as you laid back.

He was eye level with you now, his face closer to yours than it’d been in so long. Sam angled himself so as to not rest on your bump, but to still be close to you. Your eyes flitted between his striking hazel eyes and his lips, and he took the hint and kissed you.

Sam still felt like home. After all this time, he still tasted like home. His kiss was still invigorating and his tongue still made you feel things that could only be described as sinful. You melted into him as his hand rested on your cheek while his thumb caressed you softly.

His other hand found your waist, and as your tongues rolled together, his delicate touch encouraged you to roll your hips up, against him. He was hard… really hard. Sam needed you as badly as you needed him.

You whimpered quietly as he rolled his hips into you, only the thin material of your panties and his pyjama pants seperating you. Sam broke away from you briefly to remove his t-shirt, and you watched him in the low lit room as you got to see his beautiful smooth skin again for the first time since you could remember.

When he came back down, he lifted your shirt up over your breasts before he started kissing your neck. Sam bit down lightly on the sensitive spot on the side of your neck where he knew you loved to feel his teeth, and your back arched when he sucked gently.

His large hands roamed your body, leaving a trail of goosebumps behind wherever he touched you. He cupped your breasts and squeezed, your eyes closing as Sam’s lips travelled down on you. He didn’t shy away from kissing, licking, and nibbling at your breasts and he definitely didn’t shy away from kissing his way down your stomach, just like he used to.

When he got to your panties, he placed his lips on the lacy material, kissing you right over your pulsing sex. The heat of his breath and the small distance between him and where you needed him the most right now made you feel dizzy.

Sam hooked his fingers into the waistline of your panties and pulled them down your thighs, exposing you to him. You opened your eyes and looked down at him as he discarded your panties on the floor, and you gasped as his lips connected with your soaking, throbbing pussy.

Your back arched just before you relaxed for him, and you relaxed while his tongue worked you over. He flicked at your sensitive bud and used his fingers to tease at your entrance, drawing every moan and whimper from you that he could.

Closing your eyes again, you let the pleasure take over and just as Sam’s tongue began circling your clit, your orgasm took over you. He didn’t stop, but it’d been so long since you’d felt like this. And both of you needed it.

As your release peaked, Sam sucked your clit into his mouth and pushed two of his fingers into you slowly, reigniting the electrifying feeling as his fingers curled up to massage your gspot.

You were a lot louder than you probably should’ve been, but it wasn’t as if you could control it at the moment. Sam continued to flatten his tongue against you as he tasted you and ravished you. He worked to bring you to another orgasm as if his life depended on it.

Knowing how to do just that, he began to scissor his fingers inside you as he once again flicked his tongue against your throbbing clit.

Before his name could even fall from your lips, you were coming again. This orgasm was much stronger than the last. You could feel it pulsing through you to the rhythm at which Sam’s tongue moved, your body jerking and writhing as you tumbled over the edge.

Before he could go on, you reached for him and all but forced him to come back up and crash his lips into yours.

“Need you,” you breathed against him as you tasted your sweet juices on his tongue.

Sam pulled away to get rid of his pants and his boxers before he was back on you, the tip of his cock now poking at your entrance in a way that was too teasing for you to handle.

You wrapped your arms around him and encouraged him to roll over onto his back, bringing you on top of him. Your lips never once left his as your free hand maneuvered around your bump and in between your legs to grip onto his cock, which was just as hard as you’d ever felt it.

The bead of precum that had formed at the tip smeared on your hand as you aligned him with your entrance. You were aching for him, and judging by the quiet moan that Sam let out as the head of his cock entered you, he was aching for you as well.

You and Sam were breathing each other’s air in as you sank down onto his cock. A cry of pleasure fell from your mouth as he filled and stretched you for the first time in what was too long.

As you sat up, you pulled your shirt off before slowly beginning to bounce up and down as you adjusted to his size. The slow dag of his cock against your walls was intoxicating, and your hands then landed on his chest so that you could hold yourself up.

Sam’s head flew back against the pillow, his hands reaching to grip onto your hips, helping you to swivel them as you rode his cock. Sam took the liberty of gripping onto you tightly enough and pushing you to roll you back over onto your back. He needed more.

When he began fucking into you as hard as he could, you were nearly screaming. The pleasure was so intense and he filled you to the brim with each thrust.

“Can’t l-last,” Sam groaned as you grabbed a hold of the blanket on the bed and dug your nails in.

“Let go baby,” you moaned, and that’s all it took.

Sam let go for you alright, and after only a few thrusts, he stilled inside you completely as his hot cum spilled out into you, coating your walls as his cock pulsed. The way he groaned was damn near enough to send you over the edge again, but you were getting enough pleasure by just watching Sam get his much needed release.

When he was finished, he looked down at you as he was still inside you and said, “I love you.”

There were tears in your eyes again, getting ready to spill over, “I love you too, Sam,” you responded.

Before pulling out of you, he touched the side of your face, using his thumb to wipe the single tear that had escaped.

“Do you want a washcloth?” he asked, remembering that you liked to clean up after you’d had sex.

You nodded and shrugged. “Already pregnant, I’ll just shower in the morning.”

Both of you let out a small laugh as Sam rolled off of you, and helped you shift around on the bed so that he could pull the blanket out from under you while you reached to turn the bedside lamp off.

Once it was dark, it was silent. There was still so much that had been left unsaid.

In that dark, you searched for Sam’s hand and rolled away from him so that you could pull him close to you, bringing his chest against your back. You hoped in some way, he could hear those unsaid things.

He was hesitant, but finally, his hand rested on your lower stomach, directly on your bump. You could hear his breath hitch as he felt the area that was once much less firm. After a few moments, he caressed your stomach, sending a feeling of warmth and safety through you.

“Sam, this baby doesn’t change anything between us,” you finally said.

“I, uh,” his voice was cracked, you could tell he had questions.

“What is it?” you said with a quiet voice.

“Do you love him?” he asked.

“The baby?”

“Cas,” Sam corrected.

“Oh,” was all you let out before you opened your mouth again to speak again, “Yes and no.”

“Do you wanna be with him?” he asked.

“Not as much as I wanna be with you,” you said. And that was true. There was still a small part of you that wanted to be with Cas. You had feelings for him and he was the father of your child.

But you wanted to be with Sam. That’s what felt right.

You took it upon yourself then to roll around in Sam’s arms so that he could roll onto his back and so that your head could rest against his chest.

“Nothing will ever make me want to leave you,” you said in a promising tone.

Sam kissed the top of your forehead in before pulling you in close. While you were telling the truth, you thought back to that time when Cas broke down the wall the kept the hell out of his mind.

When you kissed Dean. Your stomach turned from the memory. It was a stressful time. Sam was unconscious and you were fed up, he’d just left you for the first time since getting his soul back… Maybe that was something you should save for another conversation.

“I’m just worried about losing you again, Y/N… I don’t… I don’t think I can do it,” Sam admitted.

You kissed his chest where your head rested as you snuggled into him closer. “I don’t plan on going anywhere.”

“You don’t know how scary these leviathans are,” he said, “and a nephilim? We don’t know what that’ll do to your body… just look at how far along you are already.”

You scoffed slightly, “And just how far along am I Sam?”

“T-that’s not the point,” he said with an apologetic tone, “I mean… we don’t know how a pregnancy like this could affect you.”

He wasn’t wrong. You knew as well as he did that there was a chance you wouldn’t make it out of this pregnancy alive.

“We’ll always find our way back to each other,” you said.

And you left the conversation at that before allowing yourself to fall asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -Feedback is encouraged! It’s what keeps me going <3


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